Taking a break from Blogging

I haven’t posted in a few weeks.

Truth be told i haven’t really had time. We had two weeks of sickness from Alex and Miss Peanut, so that was a handful in itself. I have kept up with my walking through and 365 days of fitness. I haven’t posted all the pics on Instagram yet, just no time but i will.

I will also try at least to keep going with that on there.

The other reason I plan to stop blogging for a while is because i am starting to make a dream come to.

My writing.

I have been doing it for months and quietly making friends online with other writers/authors and learning how to become an author myself.

I have a book hopefully being publish end of August under a pen name and i have decided to put all my energy and time into that.

I am learning so much and growing as a writer. Yes i am very excited about this and i can’t wait. Honestly i did not realize how much you need to know!

Writing, Beta readers, editing, formatting, cover art, promoting, Author page, and the list goes on! But i am very very lucky to have found some friends and people in the same boat as me and learning as we go.

I am also very lucky to have a really good friend who is an editor and who is helping me out and doing an amazing job at it!

So yes i am very busy.

But i am feeling positive about it all and i have only had small bouts of depression. I am finding being focused and being creative is helping. It makes me feel productive and happy. It’s what i needed to feel like me again. To find myself again.

This is something i really think i needed.

Having said that i have been blogging here for quite a while and will no doubt come back to post and blog. When that will be i cannot say. But i am more that sure i will.

So for now this is Run Brit Chick Run signing off….

 

 

 

365 Days of Fitness – Week 12

Day 77 Sun 1st May – I should run. I have been avoiding it. My spark of motivation is low. I am still losing weight from all the power walking. Salad every day for lunch also helps and avoiding snacking on crap snacks.

I am so tired. Lately every time I go to sleep I open my eyes again and its morning. I can’t stand it. These are the times depression sinks its claws in. I am easily swayed by it because I am so tired.

I end up snapping at Alex and crying. I want a break. We argue but then it seems to dawn on him what’s wrong. He hugs me and becomes all understanding.

He gives me the time I need to breathe. The time to re-collect myself again.

I go dye my hair red again as its been needing doing for weeks. This helps. A little care towards myself and it makes me feel better.

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Day 78 Mon 2nd May – Pouring rain so no running. Something interesting to read though.

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Day 79 Tue 3rd May -Another walk and writers block.

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Day 80 Wed 4th May – Tortellini spinach and ricotta for dinner one of my favs.

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Day 81 Thur 5th May -It’s ponies and the rave music tonight…Miss Peanut’s choice.

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Day 82 Fri 6th May – I really need to start running again with our friday evenings out.

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Day 83 Sat 7th May – My bestie Jess has got me doing the zombies run app again. Day 1 completed.

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I haven’t felt like adding stuff day by day to this. It gets a little monotonous. It a good week. I eat to much and i am neglecting my salads. Miss Peanut is still loving school and is so excited to go. She’s going for 3 hours now 5 days a week. It’s the time I need apart.

I spend the time writing or just resting. I speak to friends over facebook chat. Sometimes I go for a walk or to them market to look at the second hand clothes. Other times I will sit in silence and drink tea.

You honestly don’t realise how much you miss the quietness until you don’t have it anymore. Just time to sit without a worry or a care and reflect.

It had improved my mood. Alex has noticed a change in me this week. He can see I am happier. I think it’s been good for all of us in different ways.

I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. I can breathe easily for a few hours a day.

I can also use my imagination much more widely when I am alone. There are no interruptions every five minutes. No cartoons on or me with my ear listening for what the kids up to.

I honestly think sending her to nursery has saved my sanity.

And she’s growing and expanding at an astounding rate now from the new stimulus. So many more words she is now saying in both Italian and English. She also doing things she hasn’t done before which I suspect she’s copying from the other kids. Her smiling face when I pick her up makes it worth it.

My friend Jess has also talked me into doing the zombies run app again. I am really lacking in motivation with my running. It’s blinking on zero at the moment. At least I am keeping up with the walking.

I do the first day of zombies run. I think it will keep me motivated.

I am pushing to do my own things now to. Things that make me happy and feel rewarding. It’s what I need and so far it’s going well.

365 Days of Fitness – Week 11

Day 70 Sun 24th Apri – It’s raining. I go do all the food shopping and bring it home to unpack. My bad mood is still lingering from yesterday. I am trying to hold onto the positive-ness but it’s hard.

Alex suggests we watch that movie I wanted to watch the other day. Ground Hog Day. It’s one of my favourites. I curl up on the sofa. Miss Peanut sits playing with her toys. She doesn’t seem to mind.

The film is funny. It makes us laugh and smile. It’s just what was needed to loosen us all up. We need moments like these. When you can just sit and watching something heart-warming.

We chat with Grandparents on skype. Peanut is going nuts. She misses them. I can’t wait to get back there in June for the summer. Alex will be in tow. It will be a proper family holiday this time.

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Day 71 Mon 25th Apr – I feel so tired. Ancient even. My face feels like it won’t be cracking a smile anytime soon. I feel like maybe I have resting bitch face. A constant look of cold reserve.

Miss Peanut isn’t sleep so well. Sometimes she makes little whimpers or upset noises. Bad dreams. They keep me awake. I worry about her. Or then my brain kicks in and I can’t drift off again.

Alex books the tickets for our holiday in June. It is always a chore. It can never be calmly done. Things have to be picked at then looked at over and over and over. I start to lose my patience again.

Why can’t things just be done simply? Breathing deeply and counting to ten helps.

We take her to the supermarket. It’s nice a family little walk just to grab some bits and pieces.

I need to go run today. The walking has been good as exercise but I promised myself I would run again.

Alex asks me when I will be done writing. This annoys me. He’s playing Facebook and the kid is playing quietly. Why do I have to stop?

I get snappy. I feel depressed but anger burns straight through it.

He tells me he doesn’t want me not to write. He’s happy I am. He just wants some family and us time. I say ok.

I know sometimes I am too focused, but it happens when I am in the zone, especially through critical scenes. When my imagination is flowing I can’t turn it off and on like a tap. I need to get it all down.

I tell him part of me is frightened he’s going to rip my writing from me. Crush it. That I am holding onto it so tight I won’t let it go.

He says he won’t. But I need to find balance. Ok. So he is right. I get that.

The rest of the day is calmer. We both spend time together. We spend time with the kid to.

I go out and run. It’s only a mile and half as the trees are shedding white pollen everywhere. It isn’t pleasant. I end up with it in my eyes, mouth and up my nose. Urgh.

At least though I ran. I am happy with that. I can see I have lost more weight. My running trousers are loser. I have to tie them up tighter.

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Day 72 Tue 26th Apri  – Just a 3 mile walk today and yes I ate to much chocolate….

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Day 73 Wed 27th Apri – Where did all the warm weather go? I hate this chillness, the rain. I want to feel the sun warm on my skin again. It relaxes me and makes me feel happy.

The kid is dropped off at school quite happily. I have two hours until I pick her up.

I hurry home. I have a ton of ideas I need to type down. Conversations and situations the walk had made me think of.

When I collect Miss Peanut she wants an early lunch. We spend the rest of the day dancing. She’s obsessed with music at the moment. We dance and wiggle. It’s fun and has me smiling.

When bedtime comes around she doesn’t want to go. We have had this for a few days now. She cries and screams. Why she doesn’t want to go to bed we have no idea. It’s Alex’s night but he can’t get her to settle. In the end for the second one of his nights, I end up going to bed with her.

It makes me angry. I don’t see why he can’t handle her. It’s not difficult. But nope he can’t do it. I end up laying there glaring at him angrily. Why am I the only one who can do this stuff?

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Day 74 Thur 28th Apri – I ache. I think I am coming down with something. Either that or its all the morning exercise taking the kid to school. I power walk with the pushchair and sometimes it’s tough going.

I am still annoyed over last night. It’s also our 4 year wedding anniversary today. Alex doesn’t remember. I knew it was this week and only know it’s today because face book reminds me. I tend to just know what day it is, not the date we are on. It’s usually hmm ok its April the end of I think.

I mention it to Alex. He smiles and says happy anniversary. I know we won’t be doing anything special today. Usually I make the effort and set something up. I am tired of being the only one who remembers. Who makes the effort. So I am not bothering.

He will be going roll playing with his friends tonight. I know he won’t change that. It’s not like he wants to do something with me to celebrate. I just want to have a hot bath tonight, write and be left alone. Maybe spend the evening watching cartoons with Miss Peanut. Have some more mother, daughter time.

I guess that’s not a good sign for a couple. But I am tired of making the effort. Let someone else do it for a change.

We meet a Nun on the way to nursery. We have seen her a few times. She had a kind smile and strokes Miss Peanut’s face. She says she can see my beautiful daughter loves school. It’s kind obvious when she’s calling the word at the top of her lungs.

The kid goes straight in. I am told to return at 11.15am. The time is growing longer soon she will be there until 12!

I powerwalk home. The silence of the house is welcome. I make a tea and sit writing a few notes I have thought of. Things to add to my third story. I am having fun with it. My characters are growing and are on a journey of self-discovery. I guess a lot like me.

Alex messages me and says he can get someone to baby sit on the weekend and we can go celebrate our anniversary then. I agree. Part of me would have liked to have done it today. I am also trying to remind myself what we are celebrating.

Before marriage, we were closer. More affectionate more bonded. It’s not like that anymore. I don’t feel connected, I just feel lost.

We do have a good evening. He sinks into his you tube video at dinner time. He brings cake home and we eat that after. We end up doing our on things.

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Day 75 Fri 29th Apri – I am in a really good mood today. Nothing can dent it. I have exciting things brewing, which I can’t talk about yet as I don’t want to jinx it.

I can say my sister is doing a little project for me with her photography. Today she takes some test shots. I love them. Cannot wait to get started on the proper photos in June when we visit.

It’s warm again outside. I love love love the sunshine and the warmth. Miss Peanut is at nursery for a whole 2 and half hours.

This morning was the first time she got upset and cried about going. She has a cold. That’s the reason I know she got upset. When she comes out shes all smiles.

We spend the afternoon playing and dancing. I chat with friends on face book messenger. I am happy and relaxed. The future is looking up

It friday so our evening out. Alex makes noises about it like hes forgotten. I know he was. I remember him tell him he can still have a pizza as long as we go out as a family. We do. Everyone has fun. I intend to keep friday nights out up.

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Day 76 Sat 30th Apri – Today we have a long walk out. The warm weather is back and we are all soaking up the sun. Miss Peanut walks about 2 miles and plays in another park we occasionally visit. She loves. She has so much fun.

When we get home and she naps Alex wants us time. We lie on the bed and talk. It’s like old times. He even gives me a back massage, which he hasn’t done in years. It melts my stress away. I miss moments like this. Everything seems to be one big hectic mess nowadays. It makes me feel a little closer to him again.

We say we are going to spend more moments like this together. We have said this before but maybe this time it will really happen.

I get a little time to write. I had writers block for a while but now it’s all flowing again. I seem to have eight books going on. Planned out in there outlines and waiting to be told. I am just going to keep writing because its something i love. I don’t feel so alone.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week 10

Day 63 Sun 17th Apri – Was planning a longer run but Miss Peanut was out walking with Alex. As soon as she saw me, she didn’t want to let me go. So i couldn’t run past. So a short run today. Better than nothing.

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Day 64 Mon 18th Apri – Peanut started nursery today. I was nervous as hell. She seemed to like the first visit but would she like it once she started? Me and Alex took her there. The whole way we kept telling her how fun school was.

She seemed excited. When she saw the building she started shouting yay yay. So that was a good sign.

She didn’t even look to see we there. Then we sat for 30mins waiting for her to finish. The first week she is staying a growing degrees of time.

Apparently this will wet her appetite for nursery. She won’t we were told grow bored and will want to come back. Each day will lead to something new for her. It’s clever and crafty. And I think it will work.

30 mins later and she’s led back out to us. The kid has a huge grin on her face. She’s so happy. She doesn’t want to leave again.

I take her home. I am feeling full of hope. She needs this I can see that. Peanut is over excited and so so happy.

I have time to write when she naps. She’s exhausted. I feel lighter. I am feeling more determined to. I am going to start doing more things for me now.

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Day 65 Tue 19th Apri – 8am and the kids fully dressed at the door chomping at the bit to get to school! I have to keep repeating we don’t need to be there until 9. She makes me laugh with her enthusiasm.

I am enjoying the walk there each morning. It’s all green with lovely flowering trees. I feel like I’m out and part of the world again. I feel like I am connecting again.

Peanut stays longer this time. I have to stay the first week just in case she gets worried. It’s all part of the psychology. Hopefully by next week she will start the full 9 until 12 and I will be able to go home in-between.

She comes out with a drawing she did. The kid is all smiles again. She carries it all the way home. We get pizza slices from the shop as a snack.

It’s funny how changing something can make you feel better. Even the walk in the morning is lifting my spirits. Maybe it’s all the sunshine to.

Alex is sinking into watching his youtube videos at dinner time again. It’s annoying. He knows how I feel about it. Once in a while is fine, every night is not. I haven’t seen him all day and would like to talk.

After trying to ask him a question three times and him not realising because he’s glued to the video I give up.

I feel disappointed. It starts to get me a little down. I don’t like being ignored. It makes me feel like I am disappearing or that I am an unheard ghost.

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Day 66 Wed 20th Apri – So tired today. I think this first busy week is taking its toll. Peanut screams school school on the way there in the morning. It’s the first time she’s said it. There are other words she’s saying now to. Italian words.

The nursery is obviously doing her good and stimulating her talking. I am relieved.

She’s there for over an hour today. I sit reading a book I bought with me. Its nice to have a corner there to read in while I wait.

They take the kids out in the garden to play. Peanut doesn’t want to come home when its time. She wants to stay with her new friends. I have to bribe her with the promise of pizza.

It’s good she wants to go. I just hope it stays that way. Everyone there says she’s a lovely little girl and I have done well with her. That I should be proud.

I get more writing done today. I feel a little down. I am not sure why. Maybe it’s just the tiredness.

I am hoping it’s not the depression creeping back more. I know it’s still there. I am just choosing to ignore it and focus on the positive.

My story is going well. I have the outline and now just writing chapter by chapter. I am having fun with my characters.

I find a one day writing workshop in Rome! I sign up immediately. I have to do. I want to go. I love my writing and if ways appear to learn and improve it, I will grab it with both hands.

The workshop isn’t until May. I am smiling when I write it in my diary. It’s another thing to look forwards to. Another thing that is mine.

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Day 67 Thur 21st Apri – Even more tired today. The week seems to be going quickly but it’s leaving me so tired. Maybe it’s all the activity. My confirmation for the workshop arrives. I do a little happy dance. I can’t wait!

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Day 68 Fri  22nd Apri– I am told at the nursery to go and come back in an hour and half! I spend the time exploring the area which I don’t know completely. It’s a lovely day. The sun is warm and healing on my skin. It calms me.

Even the brightness of the sun is making me happy. I will have to dig out my sun glasses at some point.

I go look at a little market I am always fond of but never have a chance now to go and look at. I have fun rummaging through all the second hand clothes. I even find a little jacket which looks a little steampunk like and buy it.

Then I have a three mile walk. I power walk as I explore. My head is circling with ideas for my story. Every so often I stop to scribble in my note book.

The exercise is good for getting the imagination juices running. My mind flows to more descriptive words. There are also twists and turns being added to my stories plot. Things that I have not foreseen before now.

Peanut is happy when I collect her. She loves school. They have a male teacher who teaches the kids English. He comes up and translates for me. I love this. Love having someone to explain things to me properly in my own language.

It puts my mind at ease. He tells me he’s always around if I need him to translator.

He tells me their happy with Miss Peanut’s progress. They are trying to teach her the rules. She needs to learn to sit when told. Not to shove other kids or take their toys. I know this will take a while.

I go home feeling a lot happier.

I weave my new ideas into my storyline when it’s her naptime.

In the afternoon we play and watch cartoons. I feel a lot closer to her than I have been.

Alex comes home. I have assigned Fridays as our family even out time. He is a little grumpy. He just wants a pizza at home.

I am firm with the idea of our evening out. We go to a local place we know. Everyone had fun and we enjoy a meal of meat and vegetables. So much better than pizza. He admits he had fun. We are all happy even our little girl.

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Day 69 Sat 23rd Apri – Miss Peanut is at the front door once she’s dressed at 8am. She thinks she’s going to school. When she realises Alex is staying home, she’s all over him like a baby monkey.

I try and spend the morning doing some writing. You would think with another adult at home this would be easier right? It’s not. I am now looking after two human beings instead of one. Both are demanding.

Every five minutes I am being called to go look at something. Things I don’t really need to see. The kid wants Daddy. He is happy to have her but he soon gets tired.

I have two friends reading my first story. The first one had already given me feedback. The second one now messages me.

She’s the one who loves this genre. She’s hard core role player and fiction addict. I wait biting my nails to what she’s going to say. I know it doesn’t matter too much. Not everyone will like them. Yet still I find it important to have someone enjoy them.

She LOVES IT. She enjoyed the plot, my characters and ideas. And she wants to read my second book!

This brings up my confidence and my mood. Two people in the world like my novels. There will no doubt be more! It gives me a well needed smile.

We take Miss Peanut to the part and then a few shops. Home again she plays and watches cartoons.

There’s supposed to be a storm today. Its grey outside but the rain doesn’t come. I want to watch a movie together but there doesn’t seem to be time.

I can feel my mood slipping. I end up snapping at Alex. I don’t have patience anymore. I just want to go somewhere for five minutes of peace.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Nine

Day 57 Mon 11th Apr – I am trying to keep my positive vibe going. All the sunny weather is helping. It’s so much warmer and brighter here than it was in the UK.

I take Miss Peanut out in the morning. We do our usual rounds. In the corner shop she is chatting away which surprises the people we know there. Usually she’s quiet and shy. She even runs up to Mauro and smiles at him taking offered pizza. He is over the moon as he always thinks that she doesn’t like him.

I think she was just shy before and didn’t have so much interaction with other people. In the UK she was swamped with it.

By the afternoon we are both knackered. I think we are still tired from the traveling. I get a little writing done. Then I chat to a friend on facebook.

I find out we lost a facebook friend the day before. Gil. He always posted lovely comments on my blog or comments on photos of Miss Peanut.

I get teary-eyed. I am going to miss the old guy. Even though I didn’t know him physically he was always a ray of positivity and happiness.

By the time Alex gets home I am too tired to run. The kid is also a little clingy. She has been asking where Papa /Daddy is all day. It’s a long day for both of us.

So I just stick with the walk I did in the morning as exercise.

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Day 58 Tue 12th Apr – This morning is the visit to the nursery. I am anxious. We still don’t know the cost or if Miss Peanut will like it. The place isn’t far. The spring-like early morning walk fills me with hope that this is all going to go well.

The place is an old Villa with gates and buzzers to get. I like it on sight. The kid likes it to as she gets all excited.

As soon as we get in she squeals with delight seeing the other kids and toys. Then she’s off into the playroom. She only looks back a few times to check we are still there.

The owner is a Grandmother type. She is really nice and understanding. Alex and the lady chat about everything. Me I sit looking around and liking the place even more. It feels nice. Child friendly and has a good vibe.

We are shown around. Everything is child-friendly and cheerful.

Miss Peanut is having so much fun. I can hear her happy laugh from the other room. Eventually she does come looking for us. She wants me to play with her to.

The lady explains I should stand by the playroom door and not go in. This way the kid can see I am still there but will understand I won’t go in.

We agree to start Peanut at the nursery. She loves it and we are both happy. We all agree that she can start the following Monday.

It’s time to leave but the kid doesn’t want to go. She wants the toys she had found. Then realising we are leaving she cries and throws herself on the floor.

I sit and hug her fiercely, all the time whispering and promising she will start on Monday. That she will play and make friends. That I know she wants to go to this place.

Eventually she calms and says ‘bye bye’ to everyone. She is happy again. We walk back home talking about what we have learned. The place is not cheap but we want to do this for our little girl.

Even in September she doesn’t have to go the whole day apparently. She can stay until 1pm. This way it is a little cheaper than having her stay the whole day.

This makes me happy. I want time with her. I want to keep learning English with me and playing games etc and having snuggles.

I am lazy and stick to just a walk. We are also eating the stash of chocolate Grandma sent us home with. Not good for my waist line. But it tastes so good.

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Day 59 Wed 13th Apr – I know i have been lazy. Today i manage a 1 mile run. It is better than nothing. It’s still light outside when i go. It means more people in my way. It makes me wonder if winter running is better. Less people to fall over and trip over.

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Day 60 Thur 14th Apr – I keep forgetting to blog. I guess it’s not a great loss. I don’t need to write every thought in my head down here. My writing is going well. My third story is flowing from my fingertips through the keys of my little laptop. It’s just having the time to write which is the problem. Sometimes I end up just scribbling notes in my notebook when I am playing with Miss Peanut or if we are out. Sometimes stuff comes to me in the night and I have to get up and write them down quick. I am still passionate about my writing. The world in my mind and my characters are clamouring to get out.

Sometimes Alex point’s out I am mumbling to myself. This is me just reading my words out loud. I am not a crazy person. Well ok. I am a crazy to a certain level. I think everyone is one way or another. What is really normal in this day and age?

The kid is a little clingy today, so it’s just a walk.

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Day 61 Fri 15th Apr – My monthly cycle had started. It makes me more sensitive than normal. It’s the end of the first week and my anxiety is back full force. I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Alex tells me to smile when he leaves for work. I can barely turn my lips up in a semblance of one. I don’t smile here as much as I do in the UK. I don’t feel carefree.

I feel lonely again. There’s no one to talk to. Don’t get me wrong I have people to talk to on facebook messenger. There’s even Alex on skype chat.

No I mean someone physically here, someone to have a laugh with, chat with. Connect with.

I have gone from three weeks of busyness, noise, and people to me just talking to Miss Peanut.

I am so wound up I feel like I might be sick.

I take the kid to the park hoping some air and activity will help.

It does. We see some other kids. She’s happy playing with them and we enjoy the warmth on the sun. Closing my eyes i soak it up. We just need to keep busy. This will help i am sure. All i can hope it that i am right.

I feel better by the time we go home. We spend two hours in the park. We both enjoy it.

Alex takes us out to the beer garden for dinner. It’s like old times. We all have fun. It’s what we all need. I feel myself relax.

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Day 62 Sat 16th Apr – We are busy today getting things for Miss Peanut for nursery. We go shopping to get the non-slip socks she needs.

It’s a good morning. Me and Alex talk seriously about some issues. He knows I am still unhappy and on the verge of wanting to go back to the UK. Instead we talk about our fears and why things aren’t moving forward as they should.

We both thing nursery is going to help. I will have some much needed breathing space. It’s a start. We agree to take other things forwards from there. We shall see how it all goes.

The day is a good one. Alex is still more attentive than normal. He barely touches his online game. Miss Peanut adores it. She wants to play with him constantly or making him lay on the bed with her. She’s happy giggling and laughing. We feel more like a unit than individuals coping with a toddler.

just another walk today.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Eight

Day 50 Mon 4th Apr – Today Grandma and Grandad take us to the dinosaur park in Norwich.

Miss Peanut loves dinosaurs! I am so excited to see what she will do. As soon as she gets out of the car she’s running towards the entrance. The first statue she see’s and she’s running up to it shouting ‘roooarrr’.

As she’s under 3yrs old so she’s free to get in. Once inside we see an animated dino which roars and moves. It sounds quite frightening but she LOVES IT!!

The kid is practically bouncing off the walls running up to it and roaring back. The park has a huge play area and various buildings with inside play areas and cafe’s.

Peanut run’s to the play area for her age group and goes on the swing then the slide. I have a huge grin on my face. I am so happy she loves it here. So happy we have made her day. I feel care free.

We end up following the dinosaur trail. They have statues that make sounds. Peanut runs to every dinosaur she finds and hugs and kisses it. She’s screaming with happiness, smiling and laughing.

Her face when she found the biggest dino in the park was a picture. A mix of awe then excitment. She looked so tiny compared to it.

We found a petting place and farm animals. There was a car which took you out to the deer park and even a water garden. We ate cornish pasties, chips and ice cream in a little cafe.

The whole time my little girl is smiling from ear to ear. It’s days like these i love. When we go some where to have an adventure. Somewhere Peanut won’t readily forget.

Grandma and Grandad are already saying we can go again on our next visit.

Grandad buy’s her a ton of toys in the gift shop. She leaves with a huge armful of toys. Some i know i won’t have room to pack. But i know they will sit on the bed we use when we visit and wait for her return🙂

This ended up being the best day ever i think for everyone!

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Day 51 Tue 5th Apr – 2 mile run today with my Sister. Miss Peanut give me cuddles before i go. She is happy watching Peppa Pig with Grandma and doesn’t care that i am off out for a while without her.

I have started to comfort eat the last few days. I can’t seem to help it. The naughty stuff is just to tempting. It tastes to good as well.

I know subconsciously it’s probably because this is our last week until we go back. I am trying to make myself feel better by eating what i can’t have in Rome.

In the end i just go with it. A few days won’t hurt. Ok maybe it will add to my waist line but when i get back to Italy i will be very very good with my eating habits.

No more snacking. No more bad things or eating to make myself feel better.

At least all the walking and running here is kind of keeping it balanced.

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Day 52 Wed 6th Apr – Another trip to Norwich. More treasures found. We meet up with my brother and his girlfriend today. She’s the friend who was reading my first story.

She tell’s me she loves it. That she thinks the flow of the story is fantastic and she asks if i have anymore. I have the second completed so tell her I will send it to her.

She’s extatic that she can read more. This makes me happy. If one person in billions likes my writing then there will be a few more!

The day goes quickly as it always does when out shopping all day. We meet up with my other sister to. So its all of us, me my two sisters and brother. Plus Grandma, the kid, the girlfriend, her dad, mum and brother who have also come shopping in Norwich.

So many people to chat to and laugh with. Miss Peanut is in heaven. Everyone buys her chocolate. Again she is spoilt rotten and she knows it!

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Day 53 Thur 7th Apr – Thinking about going to Rome and starting to pack. I don’t want to go back. My heart is screaming no no no inside me. I feel torn.

I am trying to not let it depress me. Yet it’s really hard.

With Miss Peanut starting nursery things might be a little better. I have to try. I have to see. I am just scared it’s going to be another promise which won’t come true.

I hate getting my hopes up then things never happen. We shall see i guess. That’s all i can do for now. I think you can see the unhappiness is my eyes.

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Day 54 Fri 8th Apr – Last run with my sister today. I am going to miss her annoying crazy pain in the butt.

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Day 55 Sat 9th Apr – Traveling back to Italy today. I hate it. I want to stay with my family but i know i can’t. Alex is anxious to have us back. Miss Peanut doesn’t seem to comprehend we are going back.

When they taxi comes to get us, she runs to Grandad’s car thinking we are going in that.

Grandma is already crying as she doesn’t want us to go. It upsets me. I hate this. Hate it. I wish we lived closer or even in the same bloody country.

All the drive to the airport and when we get there, the kid keeps asking me where Grandma and Grandad are.

I keep repeating we are going to see Daddy/Pappa. We are going on the plane back to Rome.

On the plane i think it starts to dawn on her what’s going on. She gets grumpy but i cuddle her and keep her entertained. Eventually she falls asleep for an hour and half.

I try to sleep to but i can’t. I’m to keyed up. I’m trying not to think about what it will be like when we are back there.

Alex is waiting at the airport for us. Peanut is all shy when she first see’s him but soon runs over for a cuddle.

She keeps touching his face like she can’t quite believe it’s really him.

On the drive out, i feel the black cloud that had been mostly at bay for 3 weeks slowly start to settle over me again. I feel like i am going back to my cage. My solitary life. I hate it.

I go from the chatty happy person i have been for 3 weeks to a quiet subdued shadow.

Alex notices. Ask’s if i am ok. I have a little cry. I am tired and over emotional. He says things will be better. I hope he is right.

When we get home it’s skpying Grandparent’s, then pizza for dinner.

We are all exhausted and fall into bed at 9pm.

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Day 56 Sun 10th Apr – Alex takes us to the Mall today. It’s Miss Peanut’s favorite place. She adores it. They have rides and a play area and burger king. She’s so excited she’s running around like a mad thing.

She keeps saying Papa Papa and is very happy we are all together again.

I enjoy the business. That cloud of depression is still looming though. Somewhere in the back of my head i worried everything will be the way it was before. I can’t do that. I can’t go backwards. Things need to go forwards to work.

Alex seems to understand that now. He is very attentive to me and Miss Peanut. He never once goes on his video game. He spends his time us as a family.

The kid notices this and responds more to him. She even starts saying words shes not said before like ‘Georgie’ (from Peppa pig). She get’s him to play with her to which is really sweet.

Alex is also trying to feed us up! Food in never ending and to much. Hopefully the Italian will calm down with the smothering us with food for love! lol

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Seven

Day 43 Sun 27th Mar – Miss Peanut decides to try out the dog cage. Her other fun thing to do was put all her toys inside it.

She’s picking up so many more words. Yes there all in English but at this stage i am happy she’s speaking in one of the languages she hears.

She can now say “upstairs” “Bubbles” “All done.” “empty” “open” “pizza” and quite a few other things. I don’t feel like a useless mother anymore. All she seemed to need was a little more stimulation with more people around her.

She’s blooming and developing before my very eyes. The more we are here in the UK the more she is becoming a little girl rather than a baby.

The black cloud i was in Italy is right at the back of my mind. It doesn’t surface much here. I am far to busy and having fun. I am smiling a lot of the time. I am genuinely having fun here. I am the old me. Grandma loves having Miss Peanut visit. She is cramming the kid full of chocolate and ice creams and spoiling her rotten!

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Day 44 Mon 28th Mar – Miss Peanut is a little clingy today again. I manage to get 1 mile walked only. Yes i realise now i did two day 44’s! oh well never mind.

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Day 45 Tue 29th Mar – The last four days I have kinda neglected typing about my day. I have been walking more now my back is much better. I intend to run again now.

I have also been very up and down emotionally. My family argue sometimes. It’s the normal family bickering. I have found though it brings me down lately.

I don’t want to listen to people ranting or shouting at each other. Instead of trying to calm things down like I used to do, I just sit quietly and switch off.

I have my own doubts and dark thoughts. I don’t need anyone else’s. Shutting down helps, I sit there thinking about other things. A few have noticed the chance. They know I get depressed now.

I sit through the ‘don’t be silly’ talks or ‘come on cheer up’.

My steampunk clothing is growing slowly. There’s still part of me asking why I am bothering.

Miss Peanut is having so much fun. She’s saying more words and so many cuddles with everyone. We go out every day for walks or shopping.

I can’t believe it’s been just over a week. It feels like we have been here a lot longer.

Whenever I think about Rome I feel sad and don’t want to go back. I like being busy. Even though my family can sometimes be annoying I love them. I love the noise and doing stuff.

I feel more alive here.

My second story is finished. I am still re-reading it to see if I have missed anything.

My third story has begun to. I am not writing tons but enough to keep my creative side satisfied.

Me and the dog enjoy a nice run together. He’s always happy to go out with me. I also enjoy running in the day with sunlight!

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Day 46 Wed 30th Mar – A friend here in the UK asked to read my first story. I have agreed and sent it to her. It’s nice to have someone give it a quick read. I have just asked her to let me know if the flow of the story sounds good.

Miss Peanut thought this feather would be an interesting buy at a charity shop.

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Day 47 Thur 31st Mar – Long run today with my Sister. I love these runs. We talk. We laugh. These are things i miss in Rome as i have no one to do this with. I honestly think if i had someone to run and talk to there even for an hour a day i would be less depressed.

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Day 48 Fri 1st Apr – 3 mile walk today

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Day 49 Sat 2nd Apr – I ask Alex if i am going to go back to the same as it was before. I have a week left and i don’t want to go back to the way it was in Rome. I like having company. I like doing things. I like having people to talk to.

Alex tells me we will do more. He also tell me we didn’t get into the state nursery for Miss Peanut. He does leap into action though and contacts a private one near us. We have an appointment to visit them the week we are back in Rome.

The head of the place even suggests Miss Peanut could go to them from morning til lunch until June. This makes me happy. She loves other kids. I really believe she will be happier going to play with other little ones.

My only down is september she will go from 9 am til 4pm! To me thats so long! All day and she will be only 3 years old. I mention my concern but Alex says thats what is done there.

Grandma is also worried about it. But talking to my American friend Jess she tells me they do that in America. Also googling it looks like they do it now in the UK.

I just feel its so long to be parted. I feel a little down. We haven’t been apart much for almost 3 years. Suddenly this feels like a huge step, one i know i wanted.

Alex says we have to cut the strings for mother and child. To me it sounds cruel but i guess other parents do it to. God knows what i will do with all the time i will have in september.

I can’t even remember what that much free time feel likes. I can’t even remember what the heck i used to do with it!

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