Day 70 Sun 24th Apri – It’s raining. I go do all the food shopping and bring it home to unpack. My bad mood is still lingering from yesterday. I am trying to hold onto the positive-ness but it’s hard.
Alex suggests we watch that movie I wanted to watch the other day. Ground Hog Day. It’s one of my favourites. I curl up on the sofa. Miss Peanut sits playing with her toys. She doesn’t seem to mind.
The film is funny. It makes us laugh and smile. It’s just what was needed to loosen us all up. We need moments like these. When you can just sit and watching something heart-warming.
We chat with Grandparents on skype. Peanut is going nuts. She misses them. I can’t wait to get back there in June for the summer. Alex will be in tow. It will be a proper family holiday this time.
Day 71 Mon 25th Apr – I feel so tired. Ancient even. My face feels like it won’t be cracking a smile anytime soon. I feel like maybe I have resting bitch face. A constant look of cold reserve.
Miss Peanut isn’t sleep so well. Sometimes she makes little whimpers or upset noises. Bad dreams. They keep me awake. I worry about her. Or then my brain kicks in and I can’t drift off again.
Alex books the tickets for our holiday in June. It is always a chore. It can never be calmly done. Things have to be picked at then looked at over and over and over. I start to lose my patience again.
Why can’t things just be done simply? Breathing deeply and counting to ten helps.
We take her to the supermarket. It’s nice a family little walk just to grab some bits and pieces.
I need to go run today. The walking has been good as exercise but I promised myself I would run again.
Alex asks me when I will be done writing. This annoys me. He’s playing Facebook and the kid is playing quietly. Why do I have to stop?
I get snappy. I feel depressed but anger burns straight through it.
He tells me he doesn’t want me not to write. He’s happy I am. He just wants some family and us time. I say ok.
I know sometimes I am too focused, but it happens when I am in the zone, especially through critical scenes. When my imagination is flowing I can’t turn it off and on like a tap. I need to get it all down.
I tell him part of me is frightened he’s going to rip my writing from me. Crush it. That I am holding onto it so tight I won’t let it go.
He says he won’t. But I need to find balance. Ok. So he is right. I get that.
The rest of the day is calmer. We both spend time together. We spend time with the kid to.
I go out and run. It’s only a mile and half as the trees are shedding white pollen everywhere. It isn’t pleasant. I end up with it in my eyes, mouth and up my nose. Urgh.
At least though I ran. I am happy with that. I can see I have lost more weight. My running trousers are loser. I have to tie them up tighter.
Day 72 Tue 26th Apri – Just a 3 mile walk today and yes I ate to much chocolate….
Day 73 Wed 27th Apri – Where did all the warm weather go? I hate this chillness, the rain. I want to feel the sun warm on my skin again. It relaxes me and makes me feel happy.
The kid is dropped off at school quite happily. I have two hours until I pick her up.
I hurry home. I have a ton of ideas I need to type down. Conversations and situations the walk had made me think of.
When I collect Miss Peanut she wants an early lunch. We spend the rest of the day dancing. She’s obsessed with music at the moment. We dance and wiggle. It’s fun and has me smiling.
When bedtime comes around she doesn’t want to go. We have had this for a few days now. She cries and screams. Why she doesn’t want to go to bed we have no idea. It’s Alex’s night but he can’t get her to settle. In the end for the second one of his nights, I end up going to bed with her.
It makes me angry. I don’t see why he can’t handle her. It’s not difficult. But nope he can’t do it. I end up laying there glaring at him angrily. Why am I the only one who can do this stuff?
Day 74 Thur 28th Apri – I ache. I think I am coming down with something. Either that or its all the morning exercise taking the kid to school. I power walk with the pushchair and sometimes it’s tough going.
I am still annoyed over last night. It’s also our 4 year wedding anniversary today. Alex doesn’t remember. I knew it was this week and only know it’s today because face book reminds me. I tend to just know what day it is, not the date we are on. It’s usually hmm ok its April the end of I think.
I mention it to Alex. He smiles and says happy anniversary. I know we won’t be doing anything special today. Usually I make the effort and set something up. I am tired of being the only one who remembers. Who makes the effort. So I am not bothering.
He will be going roll playing with his friends tonight. I know he won’t change that. It’s not like he wants to do something with me to celebrate. I just want to have a hot bath tonight, write and be left alone. Maybe spend the evening watching cartoons with Miss Peanut. Have some more mother, daughter time.
I guess that’s not a good sign for a couple. But I am tired of making the effort. Let someone else do it for a change.
We meet a Nun on the way to nursery. We have seen her a few times. She had a kind smile and strokes Miss Peanut’s face. She says she can see my beautiful daughter loves school. It’s kind obvious when she’s calling the word at the top of her lungs.
The kid goes straight in. I am told to return at 11.15am. The time is growing longer soon she will be there until 12!
I powerwalk home. The silence of the house is welcome. I make a tea and sit writing a few notes I have thought of. Things to add to my third story. I am having fun with it. My characters are growing and are on a journey of self-discovery. I guess a lot like me.
Alex messages me and says he can get someone to baby sit on the weekend and we can go celebrate our anniversary then. I agree. Part of me would have liked to have done it today. I am also trying to remind myself what we are celebrating.
Before marriage, we were closer. More affectionate more bonded. It’s not like that anymore. I don’t feel connected, I just feel lost.
We do have a good evening. He sinks into his you tube video at dinner time. He brings cake home and we eat that after. We end up doing our on things.
Day 75 Fri 29th Apri – I am in a really good mood today. Nothing can dent it. I have exciting things brewing, which I can’t talk about yet as I don’t want to jinx it.
I can say my sister is doing a little project for me with her photography. Today she takes some test shots. I love them. Cannot wait to get started on the proper photos in June when we visit.
It’s warm again outside. I love love love the sunshine and the warmth. Miss Peanut is at nursery for a whole 2 and half hours.
This morning was the first time she got upset and cried about going. She has a cold. That’s the reason I know she got upset. When she comes out shes all smiles.
We spend the afternoon playing and dancing. I chat with friends on face book messenger. I am happy and relaxed. The future is looking up
It friday so our evening out. Alex makes noises about it like hes forgotten. I know he was. I remember him tell him he can still have a pizza as long as we go out as a family. We do. Everyone has fun. I intend to keep friday nights out up.
Day 76 Sat 30th Apri – Today we have a long walk out. The warm weather is back and we are all soaking up the sun. Miss Peanut walks about 2 miles and plays in another park we occasionally visit. She loves. She has so much fun.
When we get home and she naps Alex wants us time. We lie on the bed and talk. It’s like old times. He even gives me a back massage, which he hasn’t done in years. It melts my stress away. I miss moments like this. Everything seems to be one big hectic mess nowadays. It makes me feel a little closer to him again.
We say we are going to spend more moments like this together. We have said this before but maybe this time it will really happen.
I get a little time to write. I had writers block for a while but now it’s all flowing again. I seem to have eight books going on. Planned out in there outlines and waiting to be told. I am just going to keep writing because its something i love. I don’t feel so alone.