10k plan

My legs and lower back are still stiff from mondays run and today is wednesday!! I know i didnt run for 2 months but still i thought i would be in better shape than this! But i guess its my own fault as i didnt warm up properly….

So today im going to clean the house, do some yoga and weights and maybe just maybe have a short walk…we will see.

I have decided to follow a running plan as i enjoy following them and i need something to help me get back to where i was! So after trolling through some websites i finally settled on Hal Higdon’s basic 10k plan.

Its 3 days a week of running building up the miles from 2 to 6 over 8 weeks which should give my body time to remember where the heck it was before! Plus its starting to get hot here so 3 days should be ok to beat the heat hopefully! So that i will be starting on monday.

Im going to do yoga 2 times a week as well in my workout scheduale as its good for stretching and im very lazy about stretching at the moment!

All that combinded with the calorie counting on myfitnesspal and i should lose this 3kgs in no time! fingerscrossed!

Some days im good and stick to my calories other days i have bad days as i catch myself still comfort eating….i wish i could go back to how i was before the wedding, keeping im my calories was so simple then!

Emotionally im feeling much better after what happened, i still have down moments and i dont like being round pregnant women or newborn babies at the moment. As i feel a bit emotional when i do see them and still feel pain of my loss….its getting better slowly and focusing on my exercises/training is really helping alot.

Back to my running :)

So last week i started weights again and planks as i felt stronger and wanted to do some working out.

Today i wanted to start running again! Alex wasnt confident about me running he said i should take it easy and just power walk.

But last night i had a dream about running again and i felt so strong and happy and i wanted that feeling back!

So i changed into my running stuff to discover my running trousers and top were slightly tight….grrrrr that damn 3kgs i gained over the wedding and honeymoon! Im still 59kgs and before i was my perfect weight of 56kgs!!! i want it back!!

I went out into the little park just wanting to try my best, i wanted to at least try 1 mile of running to show to myself i can still do it! So off i set running! I got stitch as i hadnt drunk enough water the night before or this morning but i carried on. I started to wheeze alot and feel slightly sick but i carried on! And did the whole mile running without stopping!!

So proud of myself!! 😀 I was so determined to get a mile done running i pushed through everything to achieve it!

After that i walked for a mile then felt confident to run half a mile so i carried on like that until i had finished 4 miles in total! 2 miles running & 2 miles walking. Hopefully i can ease back into running 5k’s and eventually 10k’s again as i have lost some stamina. But it actually went much better than i thought it would YAY!

Afterwards my thighs ached alot, my feet are tired, and my bottom ache’s to lol you easily forget how many body parts you tone and work when running!

So the rest of the day i need to clean the house and do some weights 🙂 falling back into my routine seems easy enough which im happy about i really need it to focus on.

jumping back into fitness!

I started doing 2 planks a day again on wednesday and felt really good after doing them although i was a bit shaky 🙂 and thursday i also did some weights after them! I can’t tell you how good it was to work out again!! My arms were shaking so much after the weights work! 

So im going to throw myself back into working out! Walking, weights, planks…..everything i was doing before everything happened! Im hoping to go for a short run on monday and see how badly my stamina has gone down…hopefully it wont be to bad!

I badly want to lose this 3kgs i have gained since the wedding and honeymoon! i dont feel summer ready with it! So i want to burn it off asap!

My biggest problem though at the moment is i cant seem to stay within my calories :/ im using myfitnesspal again but i seem to keep going over my target calories each day. And i have caught myself eating stuff when i wasn’t hungry! I have started to comfort eat like old times…which im going to allow this week but next week im going to give myself a kick up the back side.

The comfort eating must stop! its just a quick fix and wont help me lose the 3kgs!! grrrr

Unfortunately there are no races now i can sign up for 😦 as the hot weather starts here in italy in june, july, August and they dont seem to like holding races in these months so i have to wait til september!

Maybe i can still run Absorber shock race in October in London and also the Nike We Run Rome race on newyears eve 🙂

I have started making a huge frame with all my race bib’s in, my race photo’s and some motivational quotes to put on my wall and i think its starting to look really nice! 🙂 Just need a few more races pics printed out and i can put it up.

So i have started to plan out in my diary what exercises i should do when in the week, so weights 3 times a week and planks everyday, running will be 3 times a week again and maybe an exercise video twice a week as well.

The main pc died thursday (arent we just so bloodly lucky at the moment:( ) which had alot of my workouts saved on it….so i might have lost them if the hardrive is screwed…..sigh….but i guess i can find some new ones when we buy a new pc this weekend or next week.

Driving me crazy…

Sorry this is a rant post.

Alex is driving me crazy today..he keeps telling me to react to stuff and i feel like slapping him. He wont let me get over this in my own time/pace and its making me very unhappy.

I know hes grieved and mourned to…i know he still is in his way but he cant imagine now i feel about all this what i went through.

Im not laying in bed anymore and i wanted to go to the shopping Mall today but its raining heavily and he freaked out about me going there alone so soon after the D&C. My friend couldnt come visit me today so he told me not to go…..I just wanted to do something normal and do some shopping but i dont even get that!

So i have cried about 4 times already because im stuck in the house, feeling mental pain from the loss, crying because i want my baby which i will never hold.

And now hes got a female friend of ours to talk to me over MSN!!! I was starting to feel ok watching tv trying to motivate myself to eat something even though i have no apetite most of the time and can only manage some biscuits.

Then the friend starts messaging me and brings out all the pain and torment and i end up balling my eyes out yet again! Why cant he/they leave me alone? i dont want to talk about it anymore i will talk about it when im ready. Why do i feel like there trying to force all the sadness out of me right now so i will be normal again?

Im never going to be normal again! things might start to become normal but my heart will always he heavy from this loss always.

And talking about this over and over again just makes it all raw again and then he wonders why i have no apetite!

I know he loves me and wants me to be well and feel better but he has to learn patience…its going to take a long time for me to mentally/emotionally recover from this.

So now i have turned off MSN, sitting here trying to get myself togeather, any idea of eating lunch completely blown out of the water….

Going to find a movie or something as a distraction before i have a nervous break down 😦

Moving on…

wednesday: I have the D&C on friday i have to go to the hospital at 7am and they are going to do it after lunchtime then i should be hopefully going home in the evening. There knocking me out with gas so they need to make sure im ok afterwards apparently. Im really scared and nervous about it had some nightmares about it as well as dreams out babies 😦 & kittens.

Im staying positive after talking to alot of people who went through the same thing and then who went on to concieve again some months afterwards and have healthy pregnacies and have kids now. So that has given me and Alex hope.

I have moments of being really sad and weepy then other moment of feeling positive and normal…i know its going to take a while to mentally come to terms fully with whats happened and i think after friday that will happen.

I was on a forum for loss and alot of women were doing something in memory of there lost baby like getting a rose bush or a ring with the gems of when it would have been born. So i have decided to get a small tattoo in memory of spot….i found a cherub tattoo and Alex has agreed with me about it. Im going to have it put on the top of my arm so hes always with us.

 

 

 

Its sunday today…i couldnt and didnt feel like writing about whats happened on saturday my emotions were very raw and up and down and are still like that slightly. Friday our friend Max took us to get to the hospital at 7am and we had to wait around while they did a blood test then took a reading of my heartbeat. Max was so nice he told us he would pick us up to any time we needed he even took the day off work so he could be available when needed. So Max went home to do some stuff and me and Alex waited around.

We had to wait 3 and half hours til 12.30pm to see the anesthetist, so we walked around the outside of the hospital a few times then sat on a bench in the sunshine. I had only slept 2 hours the night before as i was scared and nervous so i fell asleep with my head on alex’s should for half an hour. I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything but i told Alex to go have some food and he did.

I was a bit sad as we kept seeing babies and fully pregnant women everywhere which made me hurt but eventually i kind of went mentally numb as i was so tired from lack of sleep. At 1pm we were waiting for a bed to be available and Marina and her husband turned up to see us! I couldnt believe it, it was so nice of them! and good to see a friendly face 🙂

They stayed with us for a few hours me and Marina talked for a while but eventually i went quiet as i was very tired and getting very nervous and scared again.

They gave me a bed and i got changed into the white backless gown Alex sat with me for a while with Marina and our friend Betta who works in the hospital came to see us. Then Marina and her husband had to leave so i talked with Alex for a while.

It was a long long day and they didnt take me up until 5pm, Alex looked so worried and i was almost in tears as i didnt want to go up without him. I had to wait in the anti-chamber where they gave me an IV which i hated…it hurt and im scared of needles…

at 5.30pm they rolled me in everything started to spin the nurse told me to go to sleep and then i must have passed out because the next thing i remember is the nurse telling me to wake up. She told me 3 times because apparently i kept falling asleep again.

I was very groggy i remember seeing Alex’s worried face when they took me back down and he sat beside me and told me to go to sleep but apparently i kept saying no i dont want to i want to go home. I remember my tummy really hurting alot and then i did fall asleep for an hour and when i woke up the pain was gone and i felt much better.

Alex had been worried as i had been up there for 2 hours in the operating room but Betta had checked on me and everything had been ok.

There was a tray of cold food for me and i was allowed water and food after two hours after coming out, so by then it was 10pm and i hadnt eaten or drunk anything all day! I had some sips of water and some mouthfuls of veggie rice, veggies and a bread roll.

We had to wait around til 10.40pm before we could go home as they wanted to keep an eye on me and i felt very faint after they removed the IV and by blood pressure was low. Alex solved that by giving me ringo biscuits! which were so good!!

Max came to see us and pick us up he was so nice and did alot for us friday even if he felt he did something small it ment alot to us to have some one do all the driving so we didnt have to worry about it!

So in the car Max announced he hadnt eaten dinner and wanted to grab some food at a burger king drive through if that was ok! Alex hadnt eaten since lunchtime so we agreed. I ended up having a Big king burger and it tasted soooo good i was so hungry. We think Max might have done that for us to waiting to eat so he would make sure we ate food to bless his heart!

By the time we got home i just fell into bed and slept alot exhausted.

Saturday i cried alot we had a friend come round and she made us lunch which was lovely, i slept alot and took the antibiotics and pills i have been given for the next 7 days. Alex and me both began to grieve the loss of spot but we have talked and we arent going to give up we are going to try again. I got to cry and say goodbye to spot in my heart and i know eventually the pain will fade a bit.

Its made me nervous about trying again, scared this will happen again although the gynocologist has said we have a better chance now off concieveing and having a normal healthy pregnacy but i do want to try again.

Max suggested a nice place to get the tattoo in memory done that he knows of that looks nice and we might go check it out next weekend.

I guess now life just has to slowly get back to normal now….i have a weeks rest then i will try to start running again, not sure how my stamina is after not running for 2 and half months…

Loss… :(

We went for our first scan yesterday to see and hear the baby and our worst fear came true……….there was no heartbeat….apparently the fetus had stopped growing and died at 7 weeks….

We both cried alot in the examine room and the doctor tried to comfort us and told us that it was normal to lose the first pregnacy it was a 1 out of 3 change it wouldnt survive.

I cant express the pain i felt then and even now after we have been trying for 2 years for a baby and now to lose it when we had achieved getting pregnant. When we got home Alex was a mess he couldnt stop crying and i ended up comforting him. He said that he shouldnt cry and that it was his job to comfort me i told him not to be silly and we both should mourn the loss.

Then came the task of telling the relatives and close friends who we had told that we were expecting….all were very sad at the news.

We phoned a friend who worked at a hospital to tell her and that i have to have the fetus removed and she told us to come to the hospital and get rechecked so we went there and waited for over an hour to see the gyno there who did another test and confirmed its death. It was a heartbreaking evening as right in the next room to me was a 9month pregnant woman who was moaning and the monitor was on and i could hear her babys heartbeat. And i kept thinking why cant i hear my baby’s heartbeat?

Then she told us to come again tomorrow and go and see a doctor who would arrange the removal, so friday (today) we went back to the hospital and they have given us an appointment for friday. I go in friday morning have it done after lunch then can hopefully go home in the evening.

When we left there office i kept crying again and thinking how they were going to take my baby away but then i realised he’s not really there anymore its just a little shell.

Both of us are devastated but its making us stronger because we will try again and we are coping with this out come as a couple with support and love for eachother and we wont give up.

Next time im not telling anyone im pregnant until im almost 9 months in! 😦

Hormonal

I have been very hormonal the last few days….and it seems to be getting worse…..

I dont want to complain about the things im going through being pregnant because im happy and lucky to be pregnant as we had been trying for 2 years to get to this place!

The only thing that is upsetting me is the food choices here in Roma…all i seem to be eating is boiled veggies, fishfingers, hard boiled eggs and the occasional pork chop! As its very confusing what i can and cant eat!! and its driving me crazy!

Im not allowed raw veggies so no salads, no raw fruit that cant be peeled, no raw meat so no salame or proscuitto, no raw fish so no sushi, im only allowed tuna occasionally, im not allowed certain cheeses, soft or mould cheeses, i can’t have alot of bread or pasta incase of getting diabetis while pregnant.

When i was in the UK on my honeymoon i had a choice of so much stuff!! ready meals, every different thing you could think of to whack in the oven or microwave and eat.

Now im back in Roma i dont have alot of choice… as i said boiled veggies, fishfingers, hard boiled eggs and the occasional pork chop and maybe the odd pizza and its depressing!

We went to a BBQ today for an italian friends birthday and suprise surpise the starters where salame, proscuitto, several soft cheeses i cant eat, raw tomatoes……i did manage to get to eat a hard cheese so ended up having 4 small pieces of bread with cheese and a very over cooked piece of pancetta.

I couldnt eat any of the other BBQ meat as it was all under cooked and slightly pink in the middle! So by the time the dessert came i was really looking forwards to it but to my shock it was tirimasu my favorite which i cant eat anymore as it has raw eggs inside it……..i was gutted.

Alex enjoyed all the food as he could eat it all and shortly after the dessert we went home. He could tell i was pissed off in the car as i didnt talk to him for almost an hour and when he did finally get me to talk i bursted into tears and balled my eyes out. Then i was hormonally babbling about how i cant eat anything now in this country and i was depressed and i hated it. And that i felt like i couldnt eat anything and that i was scared to eat stuff incase im not supposed to eat it….

He was very patient with me and understand as my Dad had warned him what was to come in the next long long months with mood swings and crazyness and so he took it all in his stride bless him.

He hugged me told me it would be ok and said we could have a chinese for dinner tonight which did cheer me up 🙂 ALOT.

Im hoping that when i start doing some exercise from tomorrow it will help with my mood swings…lots of walking, weights and prenatal yoga! 😀

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The Scribbler

The life and times of a writer, runner and triathlete