Regrets

Im blogging about this now as i need to write down how im feeling because writing helps me feel better and i like to reflect on past events eventually in the future when im ready.

I blogged back in May that i had lost my baby at 2 & half months and had to go into Hospital to have him removed. I was a complete mess around that time and afterwards emotionally…and it took alot for me to pick myself up again after that.

Slowly i got better and got focused on my running again and slowly became more myself. The pain of my loss dulled but never left me.

As December approached i started to get agitated because thats the month my baby would have been born. But my friend Jess persuded me to sign up for the HM in Feb next year and gave me a training plan and got my mind right off it. And she did an awesome job at distracting me. I have been totally focused on getting my runs done and signing up for the HM and a 10km race on 31st December.

Then today around lunchtime a friend of my sisters who i also know posted a pic of her newborn daughter….she had gotten pregnant round the same time as me and everything had gone fine for her.

I was immediately hit by a wall of pain both mental and physical looking at that happy pic. And all i could think of was that should be me right now.

Then of course the scolding hot tears began and i couldnt stop crying 😦 infact im crying slightly writing this. It was a huge shock to see the pic and have everything come crashing back and it hit me hard.

I started thinking very negatively about me and Alex trying again as we have been trying now since june with no luck and that hes not taking it 100% seriously and i feel like im doing all the work. With charting my ovulation time etc etc each month. And if Alex isnt 100% into trying then why should i be?

And frankly im tired of it all……..tired of feeling stessed each month waiting to see if we were successful and i have started to wonder if the baby i lost was just a fluke and maybe its just not ment to be.

We are seeing the Gyno next tuesday and we will see what she says but i dont think its going to change my mind. I know im completely over emotional right now and the pain im feeling is raw and exposed.

But i dont want to make myself sick over this if its not going to happen…….Maybe its better to forget about it and focus on my running completely and doing races. I can buy a puppy as a baby substitute and get on with my life without this stress.

I dont want to spend 2013 stressing over it like i have for the past 6 months….i want to start a fresh year with no worries.

Maybe im over reacting and i know alot of people would stay i am. Maybe next year things will happen and fall into place but im not going to spend this new year month by month waiting to see what happens. I want to have some fun and get on with things and forget this pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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