365 Days of Fitness – Week one

I am not going to cheat.

Whatever I write on here is what I have done and how I felt.

The only person I would be cheating and lying to is myself. This is my journey and it only affects me.

I sat for a while on the first day figuring out what to do. I tend to work better if I have a written plan, so that’s what I decided to do. It really does help seeing it scribbled in my diary, especially on bad days.

Remembering all the 30 days challenges I did quite a while ago, I went back to them. I have picked planking, chair dips and press-ups for my first 30 days.

These I decided would get me started. They start off easy then build up. I have also restarted the 5km training plan which is three days of running. If I want to run more than I will but I am not putting pressure on it. I think that is the key.

So these sound good. I might mix them up with a workout, if the kid lets me have time. But that depends on her mood and if she decides if Mummy can have time during the day without interruption.

I am posting cheesy photos once a day for Instagram and will use them on here. Hopefully I might actually start smiling in some of them.

Day 1 Sun Feb 14th – My birthday and the day this journey begins.

I am excited and wanted to do everything. Just go out and run as long as I can, then do a million workouts. I know this is because I am excited and determined right now. But I know doing too much at once will just be silly. I don’t want to injure myself.

So I complete the first day of my 30 day challenges. Planking for 20 seconds, 15 press ups and 30 chair dips.

That might not sound like much but I felt them afterwards. Alex surprises me by planking with me. This Italian does not like exercise. So for him to do this is a small miracle. It was his choice and I am happy he is willing to do it.

He is also going to try and keep to this one. It’s good because he tells me to keep my butt down which helps.

I put a photo on Instagram. It’s another way to mark my progress and I think it will help.

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Day 2 Mon 15th Feb – We decided to do the planking in the morning before Alex goes to work. We both are excited to do it even though he complained of aches and pains this morning.

20 secs of planking and even he is feeling it to.

During the day I completed 35 chair dips and 16 push ups. Everything clicks when I do them. I mean physically clicks, it’s a little annoying but I guess it’s a sign I’m getting older.

After eleven hours of playing with Miss Peanut and also watching cartoons on and off, I am mentally drained. Facing going out and running makes me want to cry. I would rather go crawl into the bathroom and hide when the time comes. But I can’t do that.

My three day running plan starts today. The vultures of self-doubt are already circling. I have been thinking too much during the day letting the darkness drag me down.

I can’t help it. I am alone apart from the kid so the depression makes itself at home in my head. It’s been comfortable there for so long now.

The hardest part is getting my ass out the door. On auto pilot I get dressed in my running clothes. I still don’t want to go and putting them on doesn’t make me feel better. I want to wallow in self-pity. Instead when Alex gets home I go straight out to the park.

I don’t think. I just go with my music already on. It’s the only way to make myself go.

I ran a mile without stopping. It was slow and a 13 minute mile but I don’t care. The main thing was after a month and half of not running I did not stop. I had really expected to stop and start, walk, even wheeze a bit. I didn’t though. I felt fine. This did surprise me.

I only stopped after a mile to do up my shoelace then I completed another half a mile. I was buzzing with a flood of endorphins enjoying that tiny spark of positivity which I know won’t last long.

Its motivation I need.

I know this is because it’s the start and I know that might eventually fade. But when it does I will re-read all of this and see how well I have done up to that point.

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Day 3 Tue 16th Feb – A twitter friend has recommended a book for me to read. So I went ahead and downloaded it.

Reasons to Stay Alive’ by Matt Haig. I read the first two pages and I cannot put it down. This guy is describing pretty much exactly how I feel and what is going on in my head. I know I won’t get to read it all in one go. It will have to be in dribs and drabs, but I think it might help.

30 seconds of planking this morning. I am feeling quite strong. Alex huffed and puffed but got it done.

It’s raining today so we are staying inside. Alone with the kid again and I am over thinking stuff and not in a good way.

We had a rough night, she woke up from a nightmare and I spent 30 mins comforting her. After that I lay awake for 2 hours unable to sleep. My brain just would not shut off again.

I feel so tired today. I keep wondering if I am ever going to lose the black bags under my eyes or are they now a permanent fixture.

My arms are aching from the exercises so far. I don’t want to do the ones today. I can’t wimp out now. In the end I force myself. Its only 17 push ups and 40 chair dips.

I feel crappy that a big part of me already wants to give up. That so much of me would let the depression win. I end up having a long cry about it.

Two expat friends John and Alison surprise me with a visit in the afternoon. I have to make the effort to get dressed and tidy up. It makes me have a 1 mile walk with Miss Peanut to the metro to meet them. Luckily it’s stopped raining and it’s time to clear my head in the fresh air.

I love their visit. They live four or five hours from Rome so I don’t see them often. Ali tells me she knows I have been depressed for the last two years. I wish they lived closer. As she points out I am lonely to.

We chat about everything and nothing. They know about my blog post and we talk about that. I look at the floor when I talk. I feel ashamed and can’t look them in the eye.

It helps. They are both understanding and know I have been going through stuff for quite a few years now. When they leave I am mentally drained. You don’t realise the effects of just talking until you haven’t done it for a long time. I feel exhausted but in a good day.

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Day 4 Wed 17th Feb – We went to get the application form for Miss Peanut to start Materna (school) for September when she turns three.

I am almost giddy with a little sense of excitement over this. It means half a day of freedom to breathe and be me.

The only problem is they have limited space and she might not get in.

Alex has suggested we go private if she doesn’t, which means we pay. At this point he knows we have to do it to save my sanity. The excitement soon wears off. At the end of the day nothing is certain and I don’t want to get my hopes up over something that might not happen.

I am still tired even more so. The kind, that can leave you muddle and lets the wrong confused words spill out of your mouth.

She woke up at 5am this morning. It took me an hour to get her to sleep again. Then we were up at 7am. She always wakes once or twice a night for milk still. I seem to have lived on 5 or 6 hours, even less sometimes for almost 2 and half years. It makes me wonder what sleeping the night through would be like again.

I did walk 1 mile and half and that counts as exercise.

Alex is skipping the plank today. His back is hurt and he doesn’t feel up to it. I don’t mind but I still get my 30 sec plank done.

There’s no chair dips today as it’s a rest day on the workout. I still manage 18 push ups.

Today has been a good day. There’s not been much time for me to over think thing and sink into the dark fog hanging over me. Not thinking helps. I am so tired by 7pm, but I still go out for my run.

It’s a mile and half again. Tonight I just want to get it done. Then get back to cook dinner. I hope Miss Peanut will just sleep more tonight.

I am so tired that I end up walk running. Even like this I still get it done.

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Day 5 Thur 18th Feb – Alex doesn’t plank today. I am procrastinating about doing it. I still haven’t done any of the exercises by 3pm. I know I am going to have to at some point.

I am trying to be good food wise. Recently I have been eating crap. Eating myself into sweet oblivion might have looked good at the time, but ultimately it’s not.

So I am going to be as healthy as I can when eating. Treats occasionally are fine. I am not a saint when it comes to food though. It’s been my comfort blanket for so long now.

So far it is going well. I am not sure how long eating salads though for lunch will last.

It’s been a good day so far. I am in a good mood. I have chatted with a few people on Facebook and played a lot with Miss Peanut.

People I know in the UK are all excited about going to see a movie. Deadpool. I really want to see this one to. Having a google to my local cinema which plays a few movies in original language I discover it’s on. The version in Italian is played all day for a week. The English version is only played today and tomorrow once at 10.22pm.

The bottom of my good mood falls out right there. I can’t even go and see a film I want to see anymore. That’s way too late for me, it won’t be finished til midnight. I have a child to put to bed and give milk to in the night, how can I go that late?

I can’t even use it as an escape. Maybe this is a silly thing, but when you can’t do normal things it becomes big to you.

I just want to go lay on the sofa now and cry. Pathetic I guess, but I feel trapped again. Stuck somewhere I can’t be me and be normal.

Eventually I make myself do a 40 second plank. Then 19 push ups and 45 chair dips.

After that I discover the film is also being shown on the weekend at 1pm both days. That’s it though for day showings. It still sucks, but it’s better than nothing and I can hopefully get to see it.

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Day 6 Fri 19th Feb – There’s only a run marked on my diary today. Everything else is marked as a rest day. I am both relieved and disappointed. A strange combination I know. I bounce between them all morning.

The running is tonight but Alex is working late. In the end I swap the workout for today and tomorrow. This mean the run gets moved. I don’t mind.

I do the 45 second plank while Miss Peanut is napping. I did 20 push up when she was awake. My mistake. She decided it was fun to sit on Mummy’s back while I did them.

The child is 13 kgs. I made it to two before I couldn’t move. In the end I had to keep telling her to bring me different toys, just so she would leave me alone to get it done. I survived.

I procrastinate with the chair dips, but eventually get 50 done.

Today I throw myself into my writing. It helps as I lose myself in my characters and storylines. It’s not always easy to do, especially with a toddler on the loose.

Normally I just write during Miss Peanut’s nap times and when she’s gone to bed. It’s my therapy through words. My little bit of freedom to express myself. I stick on her favourite cartoons and manage to get 20 mins to myself. These moments are precious to me. I love her to bits, but need my space to.

My stories are flowing. I’m falling in love with my characters a little more each time. One day hopefully I might share them with the world.

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Day 7 Sat 20th Feb – Weekends are the worst for me to exercise. Alex is home and I tend to get extremely lazy. We end up going to the little mall we like. I eat to much as I always do on weekend. I planned to have no dinner, but Alex announces we are having pizza tonight. He doesn’t seem to understand when I say I don’t want dinner I’m fine. I guess that comes from living with an Italian.

I sneak into the bedroom in the afternoon to get my 45 sec plank done.

Then I do 21 push ups to. Miss Peanut is at the door. Her little face pressed up against the frosted glass. I do these quickly. You can’t really take it slow with a toddler stalking you. She knows I’m in her. There is no escape.

The 50 chair dips I get grudgingly done. They are done in the bathroom, while Peanut is distracted with cartoons. I hate these, but I know their good for me.

I have to invent new ways to keep the kid distracted. It’s not always easy.

My kindle then decides to inexplicably die. Dead as a door nail. It’s been my faithful companion for over a year and half. I google on it, read books, use face book, twitter. It feels like I have lost an extension of myself. It’s abandoned me.

Why me? That’s what I ask myself. Why do these things happen to me when things start going right?

Yes I get a little depressed. Alex is on hand though to have a look at it. He does some googling and then arranges for me to have another one. Somehow he wrangles me a free one. Don’t ask me how. But my deceased kindle is to be replaced on Thursday. I am happy again. He is a miracle worker.

I have a mile and half run to do that I couldn’t do yesterday. I keep procrastinating. It gets to 6.40pm. I prefer to run in the dark at this stage. Less people can see me.

In the end I go out and run it. It’s a good run I don’t stop running until it’s done. My head fills with story ideas as I run. I wonder why I stopped running for so long when it feels this good.

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Reading back through my daily posts this is starting to sound like a diary. That’s ok if this is how it’s going to go. I am being honest and open. It’s something I feel I need to do. I have hidden behind a sad smile long enough. Writing is therapeutic or so they say.

I don’t know if it will be like this every week. I guess I will have to wait and see.

So week one accomplished with its ups and downs.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Alie C
    Feb 22, 2016 @ 20:13:06

    Thank you for being so honest, and well done for hanging in there, you have definitely inspired me to get my bum moving!

    Reply

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