365 Days of Fitness – Week Four

Day 22 Sun 6th Mar – Tired this morning. I did a lot yesterday and am still recovering. We have a quiet morning. Lunch time we go for a walk and out to eat.

I am tired and strangely feeling down. I don’t know why. It’s just there hovering over me like a dark cloud. I have noticed that if I have a fantastic high day it always seems followed by a low the next day.

While we are out having lunch at a place we eat, I get lost in thought. I get sucked in to thinking about my writing.

I have two friends reading my first finished one. I want to know what they think. I have self-doubt. What if they think they are crap? What if they say I write badly? I have already warned them about my commas or lack of knowing where they go. I was dyslexic at school.

I struggled with spelling words for a long time. Through reading I managed to memorize what the words look like and how to spell them. I still have trouble sometimes when words don’t write how they sound. ‘Suggest’ was always a word I struggled with because it always sounded like it should have an ‘r’ in it somewhere.

Through my love of books and reading I managed to learn the correct way to spell it. I think this is why I struggle with learning to read Italian. I can’t sound the words.

I know my stories might not be for everyone. People like different type of books that’s natural. I know I will have to take criticism and I can and I will.

My fear is they won’t like my storyline.

I can feel my thoughts spiralling down. Alex notices and starts talking to me about my stories.

He knows all about them. He uses them as a way to get my talking and happy. I have talked to him about them none stop. He likes the ideas behind them.

Alex is the kind of man who tells you how it is. I know if they were crap he would tell me. He is insistent they are good.

We talk about publishing one. I want to. I really do, it’s a dream. The more I write about these characters the more they grow in substance. They are living and breathing in my imagination. They in a way are different aspects of me, I guess.

I want to bring their stories to others. I want to set them free in the world, into other people’s imaginations.

My emotions are up again. The rest of the day passes with me food shopping and unpacking and doing all the other Sunday’s bits and pieces.

At 6pm I go out and run 2.25 miles. It’s very slow. My legs still ache from the walking yesterday. I also still have back aching from doing the planks. It’s still a good run though.


Day 23 Mon 7th Mar – It’s Monday. The beginning of the week always feels like its stretching out in front of me. It seems long and never ending.

Today Miss Peanut decides to be a model. She wants to put on different clothes every five minutes. It’s cute. She growing and I have been encouraging her to choose her own clothes and toys since she was born.

I am feeling positive again. I have been thinking a lot and writing down story ideas. It’s all good. The genre I am writing in is a popular one. There will be someone out there who likes my stories. If not then that’s fine. I am writing because I love to and that’s all that really matters in the end. My happiness to do so.

A friend online suggests a different type of plank that won’t hurt my back. I will give it ago when it finally stops hurting. At the moment I seem happy just to run.

The day seems to go quickly which is nice for once, usually they drag.

In the evening I go run 1.15 miles. It’s a good run I feel strong and I am happy. I even smile for my photo this time. I wish i didn’t have manic eyes in the photo lol


Day 24 Tue 8th Mar – Alex’s friend who does my back comes over. He’s here to crack me into place and help my ache. He is a nice guy but seems shy.

I tend to have a habit of looking people exactly in the eyes when I talk to them. This seems to make some people shy. He is one of these people.

He cracks and twists me a few times. It strange both exhilarating and frightening. Feeling and hearing the cracking is strangely nice. It never hurts just sounds scary. I can feel the strength in his body. He’s a big guy.

I don’t mean fat, but muscular. It wouldn’t take much for him to snap me in half. It’s a funny little thrill for me placing myself in the hands of someone else with trust.

He’s always gentle with me even when the positions become a little uncomfortable.

He says he can feel I am running again. My muscles feel more fluid. This makes me happy. He says the running is the best thing for me.

I know this already. I am not going to stop. I enjoy it too much now.

Everyone leaves and it’s me and Peanut alone again. She’s obsessed with putting different Peppa pig dvd’s on every five minutes. It’s raining we aren’t going out.

Another face book friend messages me. She follows my blog and has been catching up. She says I was describing her feelings over a year ago. Like me she has suffered from depression since becoming a Mum.

She tells me she had read a lot of surveys and apparently peoples happiness decrease when they become parents. I can believe this is true.

Suddenly you aren’t free anymore. You’re responsible for a small person who can’t take care of themselves. It fills every waking hour and even when you sleep. You eat, breathe and sleep it.

It’s easy to lose your identity in being MUM.

Like me she doesn’t have family close. You feel trapped and without any help. It can be a struggle.

She tells me she made a list of how she was and how she wanted to be. It’s sent to me. I am curious and read it through.

A few points jarringly stick out. She mentions how depression affects those around us to.

It hits me then like a fucking lightning bolt to the head. My darkness, my depression is affecting Miss Peanut to.

It gets the cogs turning. Am I being a bad mother? Maybe I am. God knows I try to do stuff with her and sometimes it’s a struggle to get myself motivated.

This little person, my daughter is looking up at me as a role model. Am I failing her? I don’t know what to think. I know I do tend to over think things, more than ever now when being depressed.

I want to be happy and healthy for her. I want to be a fun Mum. Someone the kid wants to spend time with.

I run two miles. It’s a good run. I am getting faster slowly and feeling stronger.

The whole time I am thinking everything I have learned through. I need to do better. The kid needs me. I have to try harder to be what she needs.

No more wallowing in depression. I have to get over this pity party.


Day 25 Wed 9th Mar – I endeavour to spend more time amusing Miss Peanut today. We break out the paints and paper. She hasn’t played with paint before. I have always stuck with crayons.

Yes I know it’s lazy. It’s just easier and I don’t have Alex freaking out that there’s paint everywhere. Even after 2 and half years he still struggles with the mess a child makes.

I am not sure he will ever be comfortable with it.

Miss Peanut loves it. I teach her how to wet the brush, put it in the colours then paint. She’s a fast learner. Soon she’s painting away like a pro.

It’s fun. We both enjoy it.

I am more attentive to her than usual. We play and sing songs. It leaves me feeling very positive. Maybe I don’t suck at being a mother after all.

By 3pm the day is dragging for both of us. It’s raining so we don’t go out. She brings me the phone and wants to phone Grandma.

We can’t get through because there something wrong with the line. She runs to the computer and gestures to skype. We can’t do that either. Grandma doesn’t know how to do it alone and Aunty Rachel is out.

Peanut cries. She sobs her little heart out. I feel awful. She is desperate for contact with others. I am obviously not enough. I can understand that to.

After some messaging, Aunty Rachel skypes us. She’s at her boyfriends. I haven’t met him but he seems like a lovely guy.

The kid is so happy and over excited! It makes her afternoon.

By the time Alex gets home at 7pm I just want to go run. It’s my time to breathe. Just me and outside with my music playing. I am really enjoying it and don’t want to stop.

By 7.28pm I finally get outside. I hate waiting for Alex to be ready to let me get out.

I have a lovely 1.50 mile run. I enjoy it so much.

I wanted to do more but Alex is going out to see friends tonight. I don’t have time. It’s already late and I have to cook dinner before he goes. I content myself with the short run. People in my building think i am a little crazy. Guess there not far out on that. I end up smirking as i take my photo as the woman who lives next door to us is talking to me.


Day 26 Thur 10th Mar – Tired this morning. Peanut woke me up about a million times last night. I am quiet and subdued. Alex doesn’t seem to grasp this.

He is annoying. I don’t feel like doing much today. All I want to do is go back to bed or curl up and read quietly. Neither happens.

I play with Peanut. Eventually she leaves me to play alone. She tugs out all her toys. There strewn across the sitting room floor. I can barely see the ground beneath. I am too tired to put them away. She will just pull them back out again anyway. So it will be done just before Alex gets home.

I have writers block in the morning. By her nap time I have some ideas to write down.

Afternoon and I am feeling happier. I am designing a Steampunk costume. I want to wear it at the next festival here in Rome in sept. I have the dress, goggles, gloves and hat.

The other bits I need I will search for in the UK. Just 9 days now until our trip and I can’t wait. I am going home. This knowledge makes me happy.

We talk to Grandma and Aunty Rachel for a while on skype. This makes the kid happy. I can’t wait for her to see them. She gets sad every time we end the skype conversations.

I have decided to do more things to make myself happy and please myself. I don’t think this is being selfish. I am just meeting needs and wants I have.

Things like my exercises. I also want to get a new tattoo at some point. Do things that are important to me whenever I have spare time. If I find spare time.

My run tonight is 2.25 miles. It’s raining a little and there’s a biting cold. Not many people have ventured out. I am only one of four runners to brave the weather.

I have to go slow because the ground is slippery. Never the less I get my run done. I am happy with the results. My running is giving me an inner peace. I need the calm it brings now, the time to think.

I chat on Facebook to a mum expat friend. It makes me smile and I go to bed happy.


Day 27 Fri 11th Mar – Today i spend more time playing with Peanut. More painting. She loves it a lot. We sing to her favorite sings. I talk to her as i always do chatting away. She talks back in baby chat. Somethings sound like words but there not clear. She watches me as i say the correct name to things but she likes to call everything ‘apple’ or ‘ Peppa’ her to favorite words.

1 mile and half tonight.

There are too many dog walkers. Don’t get me wrong I love dogs. It’s there owners I hate here.

They stand all spread out on the path chatting in a group. There dogs are either free to roam or on the leads as far as they can go. You can’t get past. They are everywhere and in the way.

It’s so rude and they don’t seem to care. I end up growling under my breath a million times at them. I hate their rudeness.

The run goes well and I am happy with it.


Day 28 Sat 12th Mar – We are going to Miss Peanut’s favourite place today. The little Mall. It’s the last weekend before me and the Kid go to the UK for 3 weeks. I can’t wait! It’s my high point that’s keeping me focused at the moment.

Today I notice changes in my body. I have lost weight on my hips and tummy. My face looks a little thinner to. They aren’t chances other people would really see I don’t think. Not unless I was naked.

As I live in this body, under this skin, it’s easier for me to see them. I am happy my getting fit and stronger is working. I like the changes in my body. I want to get back down to a size 10.

I have only been that size once. It was when I got married and before Peanut was born. I felt comfortable that size and happy in myself. I want that again.

I am toying with 30 day progress pics, but we will see. I think seeing the difference and having them as a reminder will help if my motivation lags at any time.

We all have fun at the Mall. Peanut plays with other kids and runs around with the biggest smile on her face. I am glad it’s made her happy.

I’m getting more excited about our trip and can’t wait to start packing even though it’s still a week away.

My run today is just 1 mile. It’s a good run I do it fast and feel happy after.



365 Days of Fitness – Week Three

Day 15 Sun 28th Feb – After my emotional storm yesterday I feel calmer today. It’s like the out pouring needed a release. Like drawing poison from a festering wound. I slept well. It had been both emotionally and physically draining.

Alex is being attentive. He barely touches his online game which is his usual haunt. I barely write to. We spend the day as a family, rather than individuals fight for our own space.

We do have family time normally, but today it’s much more. We talk, we listen.

We are all a little happier. Even Miss Peanut is practically bouncing of the walls. She’s talking away in toddler gibberish none stop. She even starts to say more words.

I feel a little light, like the depression had receded slightly. Maybe my melt down has done me some good.

In the afternoon, Alex googles groups and classes held in the evenings. There are quite a few to choose from yoga and other activities.

He tells me to have a look and choose one. I browse a little but decide to look more tomorrow. I am enjoying family time.

We skype the Grandparents and talk for more than an hour. Everyone is happy.

Tonight is a 2 minute plank. I hold it perfectly but feel it afterwards. It’s the only exercise marked for the day.


Day 16 Mon 29th Feb – I can’t settle today. I feel restless but I don’t know why. I keep moving around like an animal pacing its cage.

Miss Peanut and I play. She’s very into colouring and stickers. We run around like crazy things and dance.

I can’t settle into my writing. I don’t know why. The words are there to be written, my characters are waiting but I can’t sit still.

I have a spark of hope inside me. Maybe I am hoping after Saturday things are about to change. Like standing on a high precipice waiting to take that next step into the unknown.

Will I soar or am I going to plummet again? Only time will tell.

I get two messages from expat friends. They live in other parts of Italy. They have read my blog and hope I am ok.

One offers to listen if I want to rant. She says anytime just to message her and that she knows how I feel.

This makes me cry. I physically flinch at the emotional pain the words give me. It sends a jab of pain to my chest. She is being nice, but part of me wants to hide away.

I don’t know why it makes me hurt.

Maybe because I can’t imagine anyone else feeling the way I have, that they have been crippled emotionally this way to. But they have and are. I know I am just a statistic in a sea of others.

I know that’s just the broken part inside me reacting. I do need others to talk to. God knows it’s been a long time since I have had other to rant to freely. It is nice to know I am not alone and people care and worry about me even if they are not here in Rome.

As she puts it writing it all in this blog is like shouting into the wind. She’s right. I know this.

I can’t run tonight. It’s pouring down heavy sheets of rain. Thunder is booming overhead and lightening streaks across the sky.

I am a little disappointed. Instead I do a 2 minute plank and 27 push ups.

I chat with another expat Mum I know before going to bed on Facebook chat. It’s nice. I go to bed happy.


Day 17 Tue 1st Mar – Alex is off again today. I have an appointment at the Gyno. It’s just yearly check-ups I have skipped for the last two years. I know they shouldn’t be skipped but they somehow escaped through the cracks of being a busy Mum.

It all goes well. I am healthy and everything is fine. Miss Peanut has fun for the hour and half we are there.

The doctors give her pens and paper to draw on. In the end she spends time running up and down the corridors. Her squeals of delight as Alex chases her makes everyone smile.

When we get out we go for a walk.

I am still feeling positive. It’s like a switch has been flipped in my head. Maybe I did reach rock bottom and now there’s nowhere else to go?

The day is so busy I don’t have much time to think. I like days like this.

My back had been aching all day. I think I have over done it with the planking. I decide to skip the planking and push ups. Instead I go for a 2 mile run.

It’s a very good run. I enjoy it a lot.

Once the kid is asleep I spend 40 minutes writing.


Day 18 Wed 2nd Mar – I still feel quite mellow. Hopeful.

My back still aches and I have stopped planking and push ups for now. I think the extended planking is the issue. So I might go back to the 1 minute holds when my back feels better.

I really don’t want to hurt myself badly or permanently. I know to listen to my body. It doesn’t mean though I can’t do other things.

I play with Miss Peanut, she’s happy. The kid is obsessed with drawing. She tries to colour our black cat blue. When this doesn’t work she colours the floor.

With a sigh I tell her no. Her little ‘oh no’ is adorable. She spends the next 10 minutes trying to help me get the crayon off the floor.

We play music, she dances I watch.

I am still not sure what to do for exercises today. Do I start something else?

I write some more. It’s stopping and starting today as the kid wants to play all the time.

In the end I go for a two mile run in the evening. I am surprised my legs don’t feel tired. The run feels so good.

I am getting stronger I can feel it in my body and my muscles. It’s a good feeling. It’s something I need.

When I get in Alex makes dinner. It’s nice. He’s started making breakfast in the morning to. It’s some weight off my shoulders.

Then I get Peanut to sleep even though it’s his turn. I don’t mind. I and happy to do it tonight. She’s exhausted after our long day of playing and falls asleep quickly.

I sit and do some more writing. I find photos I like for ideas for characters. Pictures that give me a little inspiration and fuel creativity.

I have a bit of negative thinking the more I get tired, just that little whisper of depressing thoughts. An insidious little trickle of darkness. I decide not to listen to them. I am exhausted.

Whatever they make me feel isn’t good and I probably won’t feel the same way tomorrow. I don’t want to be negative anymore. I want to stay positive for as long as I possibly can. Maybe the little spark will eventually turn into a full blaze if I hold on tight.

I shake it off and go to bed instead.


Day 19 Thur 3rd Mar – I wake up not sure what day it is. Strangely I thought yesterday was today.

An expat Mummy friend I know on Facebook suggested Pinterest for pics I might like. I have one and forgot all about it. Now I am addicted.

It’s addicting searching through photos for ideas. There is a never ending flow. It makes me smile and my imagination is running wild. I suddenly have a million ideas I need to scribble down. They pour out of me as notes into my writing idea books.

The day is a good one. I do have some swirling thoughts downwards a few times. Somehow I manage to pull myself up again though.

Two more weeks and we will be winging our way to the UK to see family. I am clinging to that again. It’s a positive thing. I am going to look at yoga classes when I get back from there for something to do once a week.

I end up going for a 1 and half mile run. It’s good and I enjoy it. My legs feel stronger. I feel stronger in my body and hopefully it help me feel stronger in my mind to.


Day 20 Fri 4th Mar – Me and Miss Peanut go to the bookshop this morning. It’s her favourite place. Mine to.

I buy here some play dough called Dido. Another expat mum I talk to one Facebook said it was fun for her little girl so I decide to give it a try with the kid.

I buy a funny mug. It says: I don’t like morning people. Or mornings or people.

I guess it’s true in a way.

When we get back she wants to nap. That’s fine by me. I do some writing.

By the afternoon I am on a downward spiral. I am tired and can’t stop feeling negatively. I want to cry. I don’t know why I just feel down and dark.

Not even my writing can cheer me up. I keep trying to shake it off but it clings to me like an unwanted cloak.

I am starting to recognise the symptoms. I need to break free of this shit.

There’s one particular little demon of doubt, whispering to me that my writing isn’t any good. Self-doubt everyone has it. I can feel it niggling at me.

It’s down to us whether we listen to it or not. Today it’s getting to me. I hate it.

When Alex gets home I go out and run 2 miles. It helps and makes me feel happier.

I have to stop doubting myself.


Day 21 Sat 5th Mar – We have a lovely morning. There’s a second hand baby shop and we take some of Peanut’s old toys there. The woman will try to sell them for us and take half the price.

Its fair and at least they are reused. It makes me happy as a lot of it is nice stuff. We go to the park, bookshop and have a lovely walk. It’s a nice morning.

When I get home I find a message from my friend Jenny. I thought we were supposed to meet up tomorrow, but apparently it was today. Her and her son are almost at the meeting place. We don’t meet up often but its a nice break away for me.

I feel like a fool for not realising. Panicked I get ready to go. Alex is happy to stay with Peanut while I go out. Part of me would rather stay at home. But I need ME time. I need time with other adults. I need time twitched off from being Mummy 24/7. It’s already fizzling me out.

I get the bus and the metro. Luckily they are late to and don’t wait long for me. We go to MacDonald’s. We chat.

It’s good for both of us. We both have a lot to say, to moan about, to give advice.

It’s just what I need. I start to smile, really smile not the pretend smile I always wear with my sad eyes.

Afterwards we go looking in shops. The make-up shops are fun first. Then we move onto clothes shops. We get ice-cream for her son and have fun just being crazy, telling jokes and being silly.

I have missed this so much. I start to feel like the old me. She is inside me I discover. She just needs a little carefree moment to come out.

I show them the Goth shops I know. We go crazy looking at the clothes and bags and all the other cools bits. I buy the most amazing gloves.

They are black with buckles running up them. They go from my hands up to my elbows. I am instantly in love. So I go ahead and buy them. Why now? Life is too short to not wear what you want.

I also find a Steampunk bag. These shops are amazing and my smile is beaming when we leave.

By the time I get home, I am exhausted and happy. It’s mentally draining, I find that more and more lately, but it was still fun.

I walked 5 miles in total that day but only put 3 down on my Instagram photo. No running tonight as my legs are aching in a good way. I still feel happy by the time its bed time.


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