365 Days of Fitness – Week Four

Day 22 Sun 6th Mar – Tired this morning. I did a lot yesterday and am still recovering. We have a quiet morning. Lunch time we go for a walk and out to eat.

I am tired and strangely feeling down. I don’t know why. It’s just there hovering over me like a dark cloud. I have noticed that if I have a fantastic high day it always seems followed by a low the next day.

While we are out having lunch at a place we eat, I get lost in thought. I get sucked in to thinking about my writing.

I have two friends reading my first finished one. I want to know what they think. I have self-doubt. What if they think they are crap? What if they say I write badly? I have already warned them about my commas or lack of knowing where they go. I was dyslexic at school.

I struggled with spelling words for a long time. Through reading I managed to memorize what the words look like and how to spell them. I still have trouble sometimes when words don’t write how they sound. ‘Suggest’ was always a word I struggled with because it always sounded like it should have an ‘r’ in it somewhere.

Through my love of books and reading I managed to learn the correct way to spell it. I think this is why I struggle with learning to read Italian. I can’t sound the words.

I know my stories might not be for everyone. People like different type of books that’s natural. I know I will have to take criticism and I can and I will.

My fear is they won’t like my storyline.

I can feel my thoughts spiralling down. Alex notices and starts talking to me about my stories.

He knows all about them. He uses them as a way to get my talking and happy. I have talked to him about them none stop. He likes the ideas behind them.

Alex is the kind of man who tells you how it is. I know if they were crap he would tell me. He is insistent they are good.

We talk about publishing one. I want to. I really do, it’s a dream. The more I write about these characters the more they grow in substance. They are living and breathing in my imagination. They in a way are different aspects of me, I guess.

I want to bring their stories to others. I want to set them free in the world, into other people’s imaginations.

My emotions are up again. The rest of the day passes with me food shopping and unpacking and doing all the other Sunday’s bits and pieces.

At 6pm I go out and run 2.25 miles. It’s very slow. My legs still ache from the walking yesterday. I also still have back aching from doing the planks. It’s still a good run though.

12814256_10154021450093594_1395756071163545639_n

Day 23 Mon 7th Mar – It’s Monday. The beginning of the week always feels like its stretching out in front of me. It seems long and never ending.

Today Miss Peanut decides to be a model. She wants to put on different clothes every five minutes. It’s cute. She growing and I have been encouraging her to choose her own clothes and toys since she was born.

I am feeling positive again. I have been thinking a lot and writing down story ideas. It’s all good. The genre I am writing in is a popular one. There will be someone out there who likes my stories. If not then that’s fine. I am writing because I love to and that’s all that really matters in the end. My happiness to do so.

A friend online suggests a different type of plank that won’t hurt my back. I will give it ago when it finally stops hurting. At the moment I seem happy just to run.

The day seems to go quickly which is nice for once, usually they drag.

In the evening I go run 1.15 miles. It’s a good run I feel strong and I am happy. I even smile for my photo this time. I wish i didn’t have manic eyes in the photo lol

10453353_10154021449653594_1610991554195909944_n

Day 24 Tue 8th Mar – Alex’s friend who does my back comes over. He’s here to crack me into place and help my ache. He is a nice guy but seems shy.

I tend to have a habit of looking people exactly in the eyes when I talk to them. This seems to make some people shy. He is one of these people.

He cracks and twists me a few times. It strange both exhilarating and frightening. Feeling and hearing the cracking is strangely nice. It never hurts just sounds scary. I can feel the strength in his body. He’s a big guy.

I don’t mean fat, but muscular. It wouldn’t take much for him to snap me in half. It’s a funny little thrill for me placing myself in the hands of someone else with trust.

He’s always gentle with me even when the positions become a little uncomfortable.

He says he can feel I am running again. My muscles feel more fluid. This makes me happy. He says the running is the best thing for me.

I know this already. I am not going to stop. I enjoy it too much now.

Everyone leaves and it’s me and Peanut alone again. She’s obsessed with putting different Peppa pig dvd’s on every five minutes. It’s raining we aren’t going out.

Another face book friend messages me. She follows my blog and has been catching up. She says I was describing her feelings over a year ago. Like me she has suffered from depression since becoming a Mum.

She tells me she had read a lot of surveys and apparently peoples happiness decrease when they become parents. I can believe this is true.

Suddenly you aren’t free anymore. You’re responsible for a small person who can’t take care of themselves. It fills every waking hour and even when you sleep. You eat, breathe and sleep it.

It’s easy to lose your identity in being MUM.

Like me she doesn’t have family close. You feel trapped and without any help. It can be a struggle.

She tells me she made a list of how she was and how she wanted to be. It’s sent to me. I am curious and read it through.

A few points jarringly stick out. She mentions how depression affects those around us to.

It hits me then like a fucking lightning bolt to the head. My darkness, my depression is affecting Miss Peanut to.

It gets the cogs turning. Am I being a bad mother? Maybe I am. God knows I try to do stuff with her and sometimes it’s a struggle to get myself motivated.

This little person, my daughter is looking up at me as a role model. Am I failing her? I don’t know what to think. I know I do tend to over think things, more than ever now when being depressed.

I want to be happy and healthy for her. I want to be a fun Mum. Someone the kid wants to spend time with.

I run two miles. It’s a good run. I am getting faster slowly and feeling stronger.

The whole time I am thinking everything I have learned through. I need to do better. The kid needs me. I have to try harder to be what she needs.

No more wallowing in depression. I have to get over this pity party.

1532129_10154021448213594_6591850157174686981_n

Day 25 Wed 9th Mar – I endeavour to spend more time amusing Miss Peanut today. We break out the paints and paper. She hasn’t played with paint before. I have always stuck with crayons.

Yes I know it’s lazy. It’s just easier and I don’t have Alex freaking out that there’s paint everywhere. Even after 2 and half years he still struggles with the mess a child makes.

I am not sure he will ever be comfortable with it.

Miss Peanut loves it. I teach her how to wet the brush, put it in the colours then paint. She’s a fast learner. Soon she’s painting away like a pro.

It’s fun. We both enjoy it.

I am more attentive to her than usual. We play and sing songs. It leaves me feeling very positive. Maybe I don’t suck at being a mother after all.

By 3pm the day is dragging for both of us. It’s raining so we don’t go out. She brings me the phone and wants to phone Grandma.

We can’t get through because there something wrong with the line. She runs to the computer and gestures to skype. We can’t do that either. Grandma doesn’t know how to do it alone and Aunty Rachel is out.

Peanut cries. She sobs her little heart out. I feel awful. She is desperate for contact with others. I am obviously not enough. I can understand that to.

After some messaging, Aunty Rachel skypes us. She’s at her boyfriends. I haven’t met him but he seems like a lovely guy.

The kid is so happy and over excited! It makes her afternoon.

By the time Alex gets home at 7pm I just want to go run. It’s my time to breathe. Just me and outside with my music playing. I am really enjoying it and don’t want to stop.

By 7.28pm I finally get outside. I hate waiting for Alex to be ready to let me get out.

I have a lovely 1.50 mile run. I enjoy it so much.

I wanted to do more but Alex is going out to see friends tonight. I don’t have time. It’s already late and I have to cook dinner before he goes. I content myself with the short run. People in my building think i am a little crazy. Guess there not far out on that. I end up smirking as i take my photo as the woman who lives next door to us is talking to me.

983631_10154021447683594_8232096570148452626_n

Day 26 Thur 10th Mar – Tired this morning. Peanut woke me up about a million times last night. I am quiet and subdued. Alex doesn’t seem to grasp this.

He is annoying. I don’t feel like doing much today. All I want to do is go back to bed or curl up and read quietly. Neither happens.

I play with Peanut. Eventually she leaves me to play alone. She tugs out all her toys. There strewn across the sitting room floor. I can barely see the ground beneath. I am too tired to put them away. She will just pull them back out again anyway. So it will be done just before Alex gets home.

I have writers block in the morning. By her nap time I have some ideas to write down.

Afternoon and I am feeling happier. I am designing a Steampunk costume. I want to wear it at the next festival here in Rome in sept. I have the dress, goggles, gloves and hat.

The other bits I need I will search for in the UK. Just 9 days now until our trip and I can’t wait. I am going home. This knowledge makes me happy.

We talk to Grandma and Aunty Rachel for a while on skype. This makes the kid happy. I can’t wait for her to see them. She gets sad every time we end the skype conversations.

I have decided to do more things to make myself happy and please myself. I don’t think this is being selfish. I am just meeting needs and wants I have.

Things like my exercises. I also want to get a new tattoo at some point. Do things that are important to me whenever I have spare time. If I find spare time.

My run tonight is 2.25 miles. It’s raining a little and there’s a biting cold. Not many people have ventured out. I am only one of four runners to brave the weather.

I have to go slow because the ground is slippery. Never the less I get my run done. I am happy with the results. My running is giving me an inner peace. I need the calm it brings now, the time to think.

I chat on Facebook to a mum expat friend. It makes me smile and I go to bed happy.

12814163_10154021447473594_2107378688901249044_n

Day 27 Fri 11th Mar – Today i spend more time playing with Peanut. More painting. She loves it a lot. We sing to her favorite sings. I talk to her as i always do chatting away. She talks back in baby chat. Somethings sound like words but there not clear. She watches me as i say the correct name to things but she likes to call everything ‘apple’ or ‘ Peppa’ her to favorite words.

1 mile and half tonight.

There are too many dog walkers. Don’t get me wrong I love dogs. It’s there owners I hate here.

They stand all spread out on the path chatting in a group. There dogs are either free to roam or on the leads as far as they can go. You can’t get past. They are everywhere and in the way.

It’s so rude and they don’t seem to care. I end up growling under my breath a million times at them. I hate their rudeness.

The run goes well and I am happy with it.

580785_10154021447168594_7061081493756493591_n

Day 28 Sat 12th Mar – We are going to Miss Peanut’s favourite place today. The little Mall. It’s the last weekend before me and the Kid go to the UK for 3 weeks. I can’t wait! It’s my high point that’s keeping me focused at the moment.

Today I notice changes in my body. I have lost weight on my hips and tummy. My face looks a little thinner to. They aren’t chances other people would really see I don’t think. Not unless I was naked.

As I live in this body, under this skin, it’s easier for me to see them. I am happy my getting fit and stronger is working. I like the changes in my body. I want to get back down to a size 10.

I have only been that size once. It was when I got married and before Peanut was born. I felt comfortable that size and happy in myself. I want that again.

I am toying with 30 day progress pics, but we will see. I think seeing the difference and having them as a reminder will help if my motivation lags at any time.

We all have fun at the Mall. Peanut plays with other kids and runs around with the biggest smile on her face. I am glad it’s made her happy.

I’m getting more excited about our trip and can’t wait to start packing even though it’s still a week away.

My run today is just 1 mile. It’s a good run I do it fast and feel happy after.

936567_10154021443458594_6430064755824103158_n

 

Advertisements

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. raccontando
    Mar 14, 2016 @ 14:55:59

    You are doing so well! I wish I could get the running bug. At the moment I hate it. Every. Single. Time. I can’t imagine wanting to go for a run.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Hunter Chronicles

Frostbite - A Novel by Claire Marta

Be Like Water

Music, Film and Life

21097m

Training for my first half marathon

Jessica on the Run

The tail of an American gal with two crazy dalmatians in Northern France

%d bloggers like this: