Taking a break from Blogging

I haven’t posted in a few weeks.

Truth be told i haven’t really had time. We had two weeks of sickness from Alex and Miss Peanut, so that was a handful in itself. I have kept up with my walking through and 365 days of fitness. I haven’t posted all the pics on Instagram yet, just no time but i will.

I will also try at least to keep going with that on there.

The other reason I plan to stop blogging for a while is because i am starting to make a dream come to.

My writing.

I have been doing it for months and quietly making friends online with other writers/authors and learning how to become an author myself.

I have a book hopefully being publish end of August under a pen name and i have decided to put all my energy and time into that.

I am learning so much and growing as a writer. Yes i am very excited about this and i can’t wait. Honestly i did not realize how much you need to know!

Writing, Beta readers, editing, formatting, cover art, promoting, Author page, and the list goes on! But i am very very lucky to have found some friends and people in the same boat as me and learning as we go.

I am also very lucky to have a really good friend who is an editor and who is helping me out and doing an amazing job at it!

So yes i am very busy.

But i am feeling positive about it all and i have only had small bouts of depression. I am finding being focused and being creative is helping. It makes me feel productive and happy. It’s what i needed to feel like me again. To find myself again.

This is something i really think i needed.

Having said that i have been blogging here for quite a while and will no doubt come back to post and blog. When that will be i cannot say. But i am more that sure i will.

So for now this is Run Brit Chick Run signing off….

 

 

 

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365 Days of Fitness – Week 12

Day 77 Sun 1st May – I should run. I have been avoiding it. My spark of motivation is low. I am still losing weight from all the power walking. Salad every day for lunch also helps and avoiding snacking on crap snacks.

I am so tired. Lately every time I go to sleep I open my eyes again and its morning. I can’t stand it. These are the times depression sinks its claws in. I am easily swayed by it because I am so tired.

I end up snapping at Alex and crying. I want a break. We argue but then it seems to dawn on him what’s wrong. He hugs me and becomes all understanding.

He gives me the time I need to breathe. The time to re-collect myself again.

I go dye my hair red again as its been needing doing for weeks. This helps. A little care towards myself and it makes me feel better.

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Day 78 Mon 2nd May – Pouring rain so no running. Something interesting to read though.

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Day 79 Tue 3rd May -Another walk and writers block.

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Day 80 Wed 4th May – Tortellini spinach and ricotta for dinner one of my favs.

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Day 81 Thur 5th May -It’s ponies and the rave music tonight…Miss Peanut’s choice.

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Day 82 Fri 6th May – I really need to start running again with our friday evenings out.

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Day 83 Sat 7th May – My bestie Jess has got me doing the zombies run app again. Day 1 completed.

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I haven’t felt like adding stuff day by day to this. It gets a little monotonous. It a good week. I eat to much and i am neglecting my salads. Miss Peanut is still loving school and is so excited to go. She’s going for 3 hours now 5 days a week. It’s the time I need apart.

I spend the time writing or just resting. I speak to friends over facebook chat. Sometimes I go for a walk or to them market to look at the second hand clothes. Other times I will sit in silence and drink tea.

You honestly don’t realise how much you miss the quietness until you don’t have it anymore. Just time to sit without a worry or a care and reflect.

It had improved my mood. Alex has noticed a change in me this week. He can see I am happier. I think it’s been good for all of us in different ways.

I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. I can breathe easily for a few hours a day.

I can also use my imagination much more widely when I am alone. There are no interruptions every five minutes. No cartoons on or me with my ear listening for what the kids up to.

I honestly think sending her to nursery has saved my sanity.

And she’s growing and expanding at an astounding rate now from the new stimulus. So many more words she is now saying in both Italian and English. She also doing things she hasn’t done before which I suspect she’s copying from the other kids. Her smiling face when I pick her up makes it worth it.

My friend Jess has also talked me into doing the zombies run app again. I am really lacking in motivation with my running. It’s blinking on zero at the moment. At least I am keeping up with the walking.

I do the first day of zombies run. I think it will keep me motivated.

I am pushing to do my own things now to. Things that make me happy and feel rewarding. It’s what I need and so far it’s going well.

365 Days of Fitness – Week Nine

Day 57 Mon 11th Apr – I am trying to keep my positive vibe going. All the sunny weather is helping. It’s so much warmer and brighter here than it was in the UK.

I take Miss Peanut out in the morning. We do our usual rounds. In the corner shop she is chatting away which surprises the people we know there. Usually she’s quiet and shy. She even runs up to Mauro and smiles at him taking offered pizza. He is over the moon as he always thinks that she doesn’t like him.

I think she was just shy before and didn’t have so much interaction with other people. In the UK she was swamped with it.

By the afternoon we are both knackered. I think we are still tired from the traveling. I get a little writing done. Then I chat to a friend on facebook.

I find out we lost a facebook friend the day before. Gil. He always posted lovely comments on my blog or comments on photos of Miss Peanut.

I get teary-eyed. I am going to miss the old guy. Even though I didn’t know him physically he was always a ray of positivity and happiness.

By the time Alex gets home I am too tired to run. The kid is also a little clingy. She has been asking where Papa /Daddy is all day. It’s a long day for both of us.

So I just stick with the walk I did in the morning as exercise.

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Day 58 Tue 12th Apr – This morning is the visit to the nursery. I am anxious. We still don’t know the cost or if Miss Peanut will like it. The place isn’t far. The spring-like early morning walk fills me with hope that this is all going to go well.

The place is an old Villa with gates and buzzers to get. I like it on sight. The kid likes it to as she gets all excited.

As soon as we get in she squeals with delight seeing the other kids and toys. Then she’s off into the playroom. She only looks back a few times to check we are still there.

The owner is a Grandmother type. She is really nice and understanding. Alex and the lady chat about everything. Me I sit looking around and liking the place even more. It feels nice. Child friendly and has a good vibe.

We are shown around. Everything is child-friendly and cheerful.

Miss Peanut is having so much fun. I can hear her happy laugh from the other room. Eventually she does come looking for us. She wants me to play with her to.

The lady explains I should stand by the playroom door and not go in. This way the kid can see I am still there but will understand I won’t go in.

We agree to start Peanut at the nursery. She loves it and we are both happy. We all agree that she can start the following Monday.

It’s time to leave but the kid doesn’t want to go. She wants the toys she had found. Then realising we are leaving she cries and throws herself on the floor.

I sit and hug her fiercely, all the time whispering and promising she will start on Monday. That she will play and make friends. That I know she wants to go to this place.

Eventually she calms and says ‘bye bye’ to everyone. She is happy again. We walk back home talking about what we have learned. The place is not cheap but we want to do this for our little girl.

Even in September she doesn’t have to go the whole day apparently. She can stay until 1pm. This way it is a little cheaper than having her stay the whole day.

This makes me happy. I want time with her. I want to keep learning English with me and playing games etc and having snuggles.

I am lazy and stick to just a walk. We are also eating the stash of chocolate Grandma sent us home with. Not good for my waist line. But it tastes so good.

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Day 59 Wed 13th Apr – I know i have been lazy. Today i manage a 1 mile run. It is better than nothing. It’s still light outside when i go. It means more people in my way. It makes me wonder if winter running is better. Less people to fall over and trip over.

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Day 60 Thur 14th Apr – I keep forgetting to blog. I guess it’s not a great loss. I don’t need to write every thought in my head down here. My writing is going well. My third story is flowing from my fingertips through the keys of my little laptop. It’s just having the time to write which is the problem. Sometimes I end up just scribbling notes in my notebook when I am playing with Miss Peanut or if we are out. Sometimes stuff comes to me in the night and I have to get up and write them down quick. I am still passionate about my writing. The world in my mind and my characters are clamouring to get out.

Sometimes Alex point’s out I am mumbling to myself. This is me just reading my words out loud. I am not a crazy person. Well ok. I am a crazy to a certain level. I think everyone is one way or another. What is really normal in this day and age?

The kid is a little clingy today, so it’s just a walk.

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Day 61 Fri 15th Apr – My monthly cycle had started. It makes me more sensitive than normal. It’s the end of the first week and my anxiety is back full force. I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Alex tells me to smile when he leaves for work. I can barely turn my lips up in a semblance of one. I don’t smile here as much as I do in the UK. I don’t feel carefree.

I feel lonely again. There’s no one to talk to. Don’t get me wrong I have people to talk to on facebook messenger. There’s even Alex on skype chat.

No I mean someone physically here, someone to have a laugh with, chat with. Connect with.

I have gone from three weeks of busyness, noise, and people to me just talking to Miss Peanut.

I am so wound up I feel like I might be sick.

I take the kid to the park hoping some air and activity will help.

It does. We see some other kids. She’s happy playing with them and we enjoy the warmth on the sun. Closing my eyes i soak it up. We just need to keep busy. This will help i am sure. All i can hope it that i am right.

I feel better by the time we go home. We spend two hours in the park. We both enjoy it.

Alex takes us out to the beer garden for dinner. It’s like old times. We all have fun. It’s what we all need. I feel myself relax.

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Day 62 Sat 16th Apr – We are busy today getting things for Miss Peanut for nursery. We go shopping to get the non-slip socks she needs.

It’s a good morning. Me and Alex talk seriously about some issues. He knows I am still unhappy and on the verge of wanting to go back to the UK. Instead we talk about our fears and why things aren’t moving forward as they should.

We both thing nursery is going to help. I will have some much needed breathing space. It’s a start. We agree to take other things forwards from there. We shall see how it all goes.

The day is a good one. Alex is still more attentive than normal. He barely touches his online game. Miss Peanut adores it. She wants to play with him constantly or making him lay on the bed with her. She’s happy giggling and laughing. We feel more like a unit than individuals coping with a toddler.

just another walk today.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week one

I am not going to cheat.

Whatever I write on here is what I have done and how I felt.

The only person I would be cheating and lying to is myself. This is my journey and it only affects me.

I sat for a while on the first day figuring out what to do. I tend to work better if I have a written plan, so that’s what I decided to do. It really does help seeing it scribbled in my diary, especially on bad days.

Remembering all the 30 days challenges I did quite a while ago, I went back to them. I have picked planking, chair dips and press-ups for my first 30 days.

These I decided would get me started. They start off easy then build up. I have also restarted the 5km training plan which is three days of running. If I want to run more than I will but I am not putting pressure on it. I think that is the key.

So these sound good. I might mix them up with a workout, if the kid lets me have time. But that depends on her mood and if she decides if Mummy can have time during the day without interruption.

I am posting cheesy photos once a day for Instagram and will use them on here. Hopefully I might actually start smiling in some of them.

Day 1 Sun Feb 14th – My birthday and the day this journey begins.

I am excited and wanted to do everything. Just go out and run as long as I can, then do a million workouts. I know this is because I am excited and determined right now. But I know doing too much at once will just be silly. I don’t want to injure myself.

So I complete the first day of my 30 day challenges. Planking for 20 seconds, 15 press ups and 30 chair dips.

That might not sound like much but I felt them afterwards. Alex surprises me by planking with me. This Italian does not like exercise. So for him to do this is a small miracle. It was his choice and I am happy he is willing to do it.

He is also going to try and keep to this one. It’s good because he tells me to keep my butt down which helps.

I put a photo on Instagram. It’s another way to mark my progress and I think it will help.

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Day 2 Mon 15th Feb – We decided to do the planking in the morning before Alex goes to work. We both are excited to do it even though he complained of aches and pains this morning.

20 secs of planking and even he is feeling it to.

During the day I completed 35 chair dips and 16 push ups. Everything clicks when I do them. I mean physically clicks, it’s a little annoying but I guess it’s a sign I’m getting older.

After eleven hours of playing with Miss Peanut and also watching cartoons on and off, I am mentally drained. Facing going out and running makes me want to cry. I would rather go crawl into the bathroom and hide when the time comes. But I can’t do that.

My three day running plan starts today. The vultures of self-doubt are already circling. I have been thinking too much during the day letting the darkness drag me down.

I can’t help it. I am alone apart from the kid so the depression makes itself at home in my head. It’s been comfortable there for so long now.

The hardest part is getting my ass out the door. On auto pilot I get dressed in my running clothes. I still don’t want to go and putting them on doesn’t make me feel better. I want to wallow in self-pity. Instead when Alex gets home I go straight out to the park.

I don’t think. I just go with my music already on. It’s the only way to make myself go.

I ran a mile without stopping. It was slow and a 13 minute mile but I don’t care. The main thing was after a month and half of not running I did not stop. I had really expected to stop and start, walk, even wheeze a bit. I didn’t though. I felt fine. This did surprise me.

I only stopped after a mile to do up my shoelace then I completed another half a mile. I was buzzing with a flood of endorphins enjoying that tiny spark of positivity which I know won’t last long.

Its motivation I need.

I know this is because it’s the start and I know that might eventually fade. But when it does I will re-read all of this and see how well I have done up to that point.

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Day 3 Tue 16th Feb – A twitter friend has recommended a book for me to read. So I went ahead and downloaded it.

Reasons to Stay Alive’ by Matt Haig. I read the first two pages and I cannot put it down. This guy is describing pretty much exactly how I feel and what is going on in my head. I know I won’t get to read it all in one go. It will have to be in dribs and drabs, but I think it might help.

30 seconds of planking this morning. I am feeling quite strong. Alex huffed and puffed but got it done.

It’s raining today so we are staying inside. Alone with the kid again and I am over thinking stuff and not in a good way.

We had a rough night, she woke up from a nightmare and I spent 30 mins comforting her. After that I lay awake for 2 hours unable to sleep. My brain just would not shut off again.

I feel so tired today. I keep wondering if I am ever going to lose the black bags under my eyes or are they now a permanent fixture.

My arms are aching from the exercises so far. I don’t want to do the ones today. I can’t wimp out now. In the end I force myself. Its only 17 push ups and 40 chair dips.

I feel crappy that a big part of me already wants to give up. That so much of me would let the depression win. I end up having a long cry about it.

Two expat friends John and Alison surprise me with a visit in the afternoon. I have to make the effort to get dressed and tidy up. It makes me have a 1 mile walk with Miss Peanut to the metro to meet them. Luckily it’s stopped raining and it’s time to clear my head in the fresh air.

I love their visit. They live four or five hours from Rome so I don’t see them often. Ali tells me she knows I have been depressed for the last two years. I wish they lived closer. As she points out I am lonely to.

We chat about everything and nothing. They know about my blog post and we talk about that. I look at the floor when I talk. I feel ashamed and can’t look them in the eye.

It helps. They are both understanding and know I have been going through stuff for quite a few years now. When they leave I am mentally drained. You don’t realise the effects of just talking until you haven’t done it for a long time. I feel exhausted but in a good day.

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Day 4 Wed 17th Feb – We went to get the application form for Miss Peanut to start Materna (school) for September when she turns three.

I am almost giddy with a little sense of excitement over this. It means half a day of freedom to breathe and be me.

The only problem is they have limited space and she might not get in.

Alex has suggested we go private if she doesn’t, which means we pay. At this point he knows we have to do it to save my sanity. The excitement soon wears off. At the end of the day nothing is certain and I don’t want to get my hopes up over something that might not happen.

I am still tired even more so. The kind, that can leave you muddle and lets the wrong confused words spill out of your mouth.

She woke up at 5am this morning. It took me an hour to get her to sleep again. Then we were up at 7am. She always wakes once or twice a night for milk still. I seem to have lived on 5 or 6 hours, even less sometimes for almost 2 and half years. It makes me wonder what sleeping the night through would be like again.

I did walk 1 mile and half and that counts as exercise.

Alex is skipping the plank today. His back is hurt and he doesn’t feel up to it. I don’t mind but I still get my 30 sec plank done.

There’s no chair dips today as it’s a rest day on the workout. I still manage 18 push ups.

Today has been a good day. There’s not been much time for me to over think thing and sink into the dark fog hanging over me. Not thinking helps. I am so tired by 7pm, but I still go out for my run.

It’s a mile and half again. Tonight I just want to get it done. Then get back to cook dinner. I hope Miss Peanut will just sleep more tonight.

I am so tired that I end up walk running. Even like this I still get it done.

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Day 5 Thur 18th Feb – Alex doesn’t plank today. I am procrastinating about doing it. I still haven’t done any of the exercises by 3pm. I know I am going to have to at some point.

I am trying to be good food wise. Recently I have been eating crap. Eating myself into sweet oblivion might have looked good at the time, but ultimately it’s not.

So I am going to be as healthy as I can when eating. Treats occasionally are fine. I am not a saint when it comes to food though. It’s been my comfort blanket for so long now.

So far it is going well. I am not sure how long eating salads though for lunch will last.

It’s been a good day so far. I am in a good mood. I have chatted with a few people on Facebook and played a lot with Miss Peanut.

People I know in the UK are all excited about going to see a movie. Deadpool. I really want to see this one to. Having a google to my local cinema which plays a few movies in original language I discover it’s on. The version in Italian is played all day for a week. The English version is only played today and tomorrow once at 10.22pm.

The bottom of my good mood falls out right there. I can’t even go and see a film I want to see anymore. That’s way too late for me, it won’t be finished til midnight. I have a child to put to bed and give milk to in the night, how can I go that late?

I can’t even use it as an escape. Maybe this is a silly thing, but when you can’t do normal things it becomes big to you.

I just want to go lay on the sofa now and cry. Pathetic I guess, but I feel trapped again. Stuck somewhere I can’t be me and be normal.

Eventually I make myself do a 40 second plank. Then 19 push ups and 45 chair dips.

After that I discover the film is also being shown on the weekend at 1pm both days. That’s it though for day showings. It still sucks, but it’s better than nothing and I can hopefully get to see it.

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Day 6 Fri 19th Feb – There’s only a run marked on my diary today. Everything else is marked as a rest day. I am both relieved and disappointed. A strange combination I know. I bounce between them all morning.

The running is tonight but Alex is working late. In the end I swap the workout for today and tomorrow. This mean the run gets moved. I don’t mind.

I do the 45 second plank while Miss Peanut is napping. I did 20 push up when she was awake. My mistake. She decided it was fun to sit on Mummy’s back while I did them.

The child is 13 kgs. I made it to two before I couldn’t move. In the end I had to keep telling her to bring me different toys, just so she would leave me alone to get it done. I survived.

I procrastinate with the chair dips, but eventually get 50 done.

Today I throw myself into my writing. It helps as I lose myself in my characters and storylines. It’s not always easy to do, especially with a toddler on the loose.

Normally I just write during Miss Peanut’s nap times and when she’s gone to bed. It’s my therapy through words. My little bit of freedom to express myself. I stick on her favourite cartoons and manage to get 20 mins to myself. These moments are precious to me. I love her to bits, but need my space to.

My stories are flowing. I’m falling in love with my characters a little more each time. One day hopefully I might share them with the world.

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Day 7 Sat 20th Feb – Weekends are the worst for me to exercise. Alex is home and I tend to get extremely lazy. We end up going to the little mall we like. I eat to much as I always do on weekend. I planned to have no dinner, but Alex announces we are having pizza tonight. He doesn’t seem to understand when I say I don’t want dinner I’m fine. I guess that comes from living with an Italian.

I sneak into the bedroom in the afternoon to get my 45 sec plank done.

Then I do 21 push ups to. Miss Peanut is at the door. Her little face pressed up against the frosted glass. I do these quickly. You can’t really take it slow with a toddler stalking you. She knows I’m in her. There is no escape.

The 50 chair dips I get grudgingly done. They are done in the bathroom, while Peanut is distracted with cartoons. I hate these, but I know their good for me.

I have to invent new ways to keep the kid distracted. It’s not always easy.

My kindle then decides to inexplicably die. Dead as a door nail. It’s been my faithful companion for over a year and half. I google on it, read books, use face book, twitter. It feels like I have lost an extension of myself. It’s abandoned me.

Why me? That’s what I ask myself. Why do these things happen to me when things start going right?

Yes I get a little depressed. Alex is on hand though to have a look at it. He does some googling and then arranges for me to have another one. Somehow he wrangles me a free one. Don’t ask me how. But my deceased kindle is to be replaced on Thursday. I am happy again. He is a miracle worker.

I have a mile and half run to do that I couldn’t do yesterday. I keep procrastinating. It gets to 6.40pm. I prefer to run in the dark at this stage. Less people can see me.

In the end I go out and run it. It’s a good run I don’t stop running until it’s done. My head fills with story ideas as I run. I wonder why I stopped running for so long when it feels this good.

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Reading back through my daily posts this is starting to sound like a diary. That’s ok if this is how it’s going to go. I am being honest and open. It’s something I feel I need to do. I have hidden behind a sad smile long enough. Writing is therapeutic or so they say.

I don’t know if it will be like this every week. I guess I will have to wait and see.

So week one accomplished with its ups and downs.

Friends Forever 5km

National friendship day was on the 2nd August and i took part in the Friends Forever virtual 5km run that day with my friend Jess who lives in France.

She had found the run and showing me we decided to sign up online and take part as it sounded like fun.

It was being run by Virtual Run Events for charity. The race fee’s were going to I RUN 4 which is an organization which matches runners with buddies with physical or developmental reasons that keep them from running.

We had to run at roughly at the same time on that day even though we are in different countries.

We decided to run in the evening as it was cooler in both countries then for us and made running easier.

Im still getting used to running 5km again although I am building it up slowly and have been running that distance a few times although very slow.

With the heat in the 30c’s and above I find it better to run really slowly as it helps me run for longer.

The run was actually really good I did my first mile in 11.19 minutes which is pretty fast for me at the moment. The rest of the run i slowed right down and my legs felt pretty good and didn’t get tired.

I was pretty happy with myself and the run and once finished sent my selfies off to Jess so she could make a collage for the Forever 5KM run group to prove me had completed the run.

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The medal for completing the run is really pretty its two medals which make up one heart! My half is going to look lovely on my medal rack and I will always know the other half belongs to my Bestie 🙂

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31 Day Selfie Run Challenge – Day 27 to 31

Last five days round up of the seflie run challenge from last week 🙂

Day 27 – 29c evening run 2 miles run and its sweaty hug selfie and I got two!! 😉

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Day 28 – 30c evening 1 mile done and it’s stretch selfie which was photo bombed by Miss Peanut!

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Day 29 – I missed this next run as I did not have time that day to go 😦

Day 30 – 26c tonight for my 5km run with the challenge bib on and here’s the selfie

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Day 31 – 31c 1 mile done and it’s the last day of the challenge my medal is stuck in customs at the moment so no pic yet but here’s my favourite selfie of the challenge 🙂 & I had a lovely burger to make up for waiting for my medal

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I really enjoyed this challenge and it was quite funny doing the selfie’s for a Whole month and seeing everyone elses in the Group. It got me running almost everyday and has made me confident again in my running.

I really hope they do this challenge or something like it again at some point as i really did enjoy it.

Also its fun that people made friends in the challenge Group and are still posting fun selfies even though the challenge has finished 🙂

My medal did finally turn up today (3rd August)  and here’s it is! Its huge and really well made and I just love it!

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It will be going pride of place on my medal rack this afternoon 🙂

31 Day Selfie Run Challenge – Day 20 to 26

Here are last week’s photo’s from the selfie run challenge i am doing with Run the Edge.

My medal has been sent out although its still in California at the last track so i don’t think its going to reach me for the last day of the challenge 😦

 

Day 20 – 34c 3 miles run and its before and after selfie today it was a jungle out there!

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Day 21 – 35c 1 mile done and it’s crazy hair day although this is quite normal after I have wrestled myself away from my toddler Miss Peanut to go run!

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Day 22 – 35c evening run 2 miles and its make up your own selfie day so i did a before and after photo of me needing water after my run.

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Day 23 – A thundery 23c 1 mile done and it’s where your from selfie today so it’s London and Rome for me 🙂

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Day 24 – 29c evening run 1 mile done and it’s funny hat day I borrowed my daughter’s

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Day 25 – 30c evening 1 mile done and it’s run with a friend selfie here’s mine from my first race quite a few years ago with my Bestie! A lot of people were posting old selfies 🙂

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Day 26 – 30c evening 2 miles run and its alternative shoes selfie I couldn’t decide and it took me many many hours to decide but I settled on my leopard slippers that I then had to run in a little bit!

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Just 5 days left to go!!

Previous Older Entries

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