Taking a break from Blogging

I haven’t posted in a few weeks.

Truth be told i haven’t really had time. We had two weeks of sickness from Alex and Miss Peanut, so that was a handful in itself. I have kept up with my walking through and 365 days of fitness. I haven’t posted all the pics on Instagram yet, just no time but i will.

I will also try at least to keep going with that on there.

The other reason I plan to stop blogging for a while is because i am starting to make a dream come to.

My writing.

I have been doing it for months and quietly making friends online with other writers/authors and learning how to become an author myself.

I have a book hopefully being publish end of August under a pen name and i have decided to put all my energy and time into that.

I am learning so much and growing as a writer. Yes i am very excited about this and i can’t wait. Honestly i did not realize how much you need to know!

Writing, Beta readers, editing, formatting, cover art, promoting, Author page, and the list goes on! But i am very very lucky to have found some friends and people in the same boat as me and learning as we go.

I am also very lucky to have a really good friend who is an editor and who is helping me out and doing an amazing job at it!

So yes i am very busy.

But i am feeling positive about it all and i have only had small bouts of depression. I am finding being focused and being creative is helping. It makes me feel productive and happy. It’s what i needed to feel like me again. To find myself again.

This is something i really think i needed.

Having said that i have been blogging here for quite a while and will no doubt come back to post and blog. When that will be i cannot say. But i am more that sure i will.

So for now this is Run Brit Chick Run signing off….

 

 

 

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365 Days of Fitness – Week 12

Day 77 Sun 1st May – I should run. I have been avoiding it. My spark of motivation is low. I am still losing weight from all the power walking. Salad every day for lunch also helps and avoiding snacking on crap snacks.

I am so tired. Lately every time I go to sleep I open my eyes again and its morning. I can’t stand it. These are the times depression sinks its claws in. I am easily swayed by it because I am so tired.

I end up snapping at Alex and crying. I want a break. We argue but then it seems to dawn on him what’s wrong. He hugs me and becomes all understanding.

He gives me the time I need to breathe. The time to re-collect myself again.

I go dye my hair red again as its been needing doing for weeks. This helps. A little care towards myself and it makes me feel better.

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Day 78 Mon 2nd May – Pouring rain so no running. Something interesting to read though.

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Day 79 Tue 3rd May -Another walk and writers block.

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Day 80 Wed 4th May – Tortellini spinach and ricotta for dinner one of my favs.

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Day 81 Thur 5th May -It’s ponies and the rave music tonight…Miss Peanut’s choice.

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Day 82 Fri 6th May – I really need to start running again with our friday evenings out.

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Day 83 Sat 7th May – My bestie Jess has got me doing the zombies run app again. Day 1 completed.

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I haven’t felt like adding stuff day by day to this. It gets a little monotonous. It a good week. I eat to much and i am neglecting my salads. Miss Peanut is still loving school and is so excited to go. She’s going for 3 hours now 5 days a week. It’s the time I need apart.

I spend the time writing or just resting. I speak to friends over facebook chat. Sometimes I go for a walk or to them market to look at the second hand clothes. Other times I will sit in silence and drink tea.

You honestly don’t realise how much you miss the quietness until you don’t have it anymore. Just time to sit without a worry or a care and reflect.

It had improved my mood. Alex has noticed a change in me this week. He can see I am happier. I think it’s been good for all of us in different ways.

I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. I can breathe easily for a few hours a day.

I can also use my imagination much more widely when I am alone. There are no interruptions every five minutes. No cartoons on or me with my ear listening for what the kids up to.

I honestly think sending her to nursery has saved my sanity.

And she’s growing and expanding at an astounding rate now from the new stimulus. So many more words she is now saying in both Italian and English. She also doing things she hasn’t done before which I suspect she’s copying from the other kids. Her smiling face when I pick her up makes it worth it.

My friend Jess has also talked me into doing the zombies run app again. I am really lacking in motivation with my running. It’s blinking on zero at the moment. At least I am keeping up with the walking.

I do the first day of zombies run. I think it will keep me motivated.

I am pushing to do my own things now to. Things that make me happy and feel rewarding. It’s what I need and so far it’s going well.

365 Days of Fitness – Week Eight

Day 50 Mon 4th Apr – Today Grandma and Grandad take us to the dinosaur park in Norwich.

Miss Peanut loves dinosaurs! I am so excited to see what she will do. As soon as she gets out of the car she’s running towards the entrance. The first statue she see’s and she’s running up to it shouting ‘roooarrr’.

As she’s under 3yrs old so she’s free to get in. Once inside we see an animated dino which roars and moves. It sounds quite frightening but she LOVES IT!!

The kid is practically bouncing off the walls running up to it and roaring back. The park has a huge play area and various buildings with inside play areas and cafe’s.

Peanut run’s to the play area for her age group and goes on the swing then the slide. I have a huge grin on my face. I am so happy she loves it here. So happy we have made her day. I feel care free.

We end up following the dinosaur trail. They have statues that make sounds. Peanut runs to every dinosaur she finds and hugs and kisses it. She’s screaming with happiness, smiling and laughing.

Her face when she found the biggest dino in the park was a picture. A mix of awe then excitment. She looked so tiny compared to it.

We found a petting place and farm animals. There was a car which took you out to the deer park and even a water garden. We ate cornish pasties, chips and ice cream in a little cafe.

The whole time my little girl is smiling from ear to ear. It’s days like these i love. When we go some where to have an adventure. Somewhere Peanut won’t readily forget.

Grandma and Grandad are already saying we can go again on our next visit.

Grandad buy’s her a ton of toys in the gift shop. She leaves with a huge armful of toys. Some i know i won’t have room to pack. But i know they will sit on the bed we use when we visit and wait for her return 🙂

This ended up being the best day ever i think for everyone!

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Day 51 Tue 5th Apr – 2 mile run today with my Sister. Miss Peanut give me cuddles before i go. She is happy watching Peppa Pig with Grandma and doesn’t care that i am off out for a while without her.

I have started to comfort eat the last few days. I can’t seem to help it. The naughty stuff is just to tempting. It tastes to good as well.

I know subconsciously it’s probably because this is our last week until we go back. I am trying to make myself feel better by eating what i can’t have in Rome.

In the end i just go with it. A few days won’t hurt. Ok maybe it will add to my waist line but when i get back to Italy i will be very very good with my eating habits.

No more snacking. No more bad things or eating to make myself feel better.

At least all the walking and running here is kind of keeping it balanced.

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Day 52 Wed 6th Apr – Another trip to Norwich. More treasures found. We meet up with my brother and his girlfriend today. She’s the friend who was reading my first story.

She tell’s me she loves it. That she thinks the flow of the story is fantastic and she asks if i have anymore. I have the second completed so tell her I will send it to her.

She’s extatic that she can read more. This makes me happy. If one person in billions likes my writing then there will be a few more!

The day goes quickly as it always does when out shopping all day. We meet up with my other sister to. So its all of us, me my two sisters and brother. Plus Grandma, the kid, the girlfriend, her dad, mum and brother who have also come shopping in Norwich.

So many people to chat to and laugh with. Miss Peanut is in heaven. Everyone buys her chocolate. Again she is spoilt rotten and she knows it!

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Day 53 Thur 7th Apr – Thinking about going to Rome and starting to pack. I don’t want to go back. My heart is screaming no no no inside me. I feel torn.

I am trying to not let it depress me. Yet it’s really hard.

With Miss Peanut starting nursery things might be a little better. I have to try. I have to see. I am just scared it’s going to be another promise which won’t come true.

I hate getting my hopes up then things never happen. We shall see i guess. That’s all i can do for now. I think you can see the unhappiness is my eyes.

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Day 54 Fri 8th Apr – Last run with my sister today. I am going to miss her annoying crazy pain in the butt.

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Day 55 Sat 9th Apr – Traveling back to Italy today. I hate it. I want to stay with my family but i know i can’t. Alex is anxious to have us back. Miss Peanut doesn’t seem to comprehend we are going back.

When they taxi comes to get us, she runs to Grandad’s car thinking we are going in that.

Grandma is already crying as she doesn’t want us to go. It upsets me. I hate this. Hate it. I wish we lived closer or even in the same bloody country.

All the drive to the airport and when we get there, the kid keeps asking me where Grandma and Grandad are.

I keep repeating we are going to see Daddy/Pappa. We are going on the plane back to Rome.

On the plane i think it starts to dawn on her what’s going on. She gets grumpy but i cuddle her and keep her entertained. Eventually she falls asleep for an hour and half.

I try to sleep to but i can’t. I’m to keyed up. I’m trying not to think about what it will be like when we are back there.

Alex is waiting at the airport for us. Peanut is all shy when she first see’s him but soon runs over for a cuddle.

She keeps touching his face like she can’t quite believe it’s really him.

On the drive out, i feel the black cloud that had been mostly at bay for 3 weeks slowly start to settle over me again. I feel like i am going back to my cage. My solitary life. I hate it.

I go from the chatty happy person i have been for 3 weeks to a quiet subdued shadow.

Alex notices. Ask’s if i am ok. I have a little cry. I am tired and over emotional. He says things will be better. I hope he is right.

When we get home it’s skpying Grandparent’s, then pizza for dinner.

We are all exhausted and fall into bed at 9pm.

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Day 56 Sun 10th Apr – Alex takes us to the Mall today. It’s Miss Peanut’s favorite place. She adores it. They have rides and a play area and burger king. She’s so excited she’s running around like a mad thing.

She keeps saying Papa Papa and is very happy we are all together again.

I enjoy the business. That cloud of depression is still looming though. Somewhere in the back of my head i worried everything will be the way it was before. I can’t do that. I can’t go backwards. Things need to go forwards to work.

Alex seems to understand that now. He is very attentive to me and Miss Peanut. He never once goes on his video game. He spends his time us as a family.

The kid notices this and responds more to him. She even starts saying words shes not said before like ‘Georgie’ (from Peppa pig). She get’s him to play with her to which is really sweet.

Alex is also trying to feed us up! Food in never ending and to much. Hopefully the Italian will calm down with the smothering us with food for love! lol

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Seven

Day 43 Sun 27th Mar – Miss Peanut decides to try out the dog cage. Her other fun thing to do was put all her toys inside it.

She’s picking up so many more words. Yes there all in English but at this stage i am happy she’s speaking in one of the languages she hears.

She can now say “upstairs” “Bubbles” “All done.” “empty” “open” “pizza” and quite a few other things. I don’t feel like a useless mother anymore. All she seemed to need was a little more stimulation with more people around her.

She’s blooming and developing before my very eyes. The more we are here in the UK the more she is becoming a little girl rather than a baby.

The black cloud i was in Italy is right at the back of my mind. It doesn’t surface much here. I am far to busy and having fun. I am smiling a lot of the time. I am genuinely having fun here. I am the old me. Grandma loves having Miss Peanut visit. She is cramming the kid full of chocolate and ice creams and spoiling her rotten!

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Day 44 Mon 28th Mar – Miss Peanut is a little clingy today again. I manage to get 1 mile walked only. Yes i realise now i did two day 44’s! oh well never mind.

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Day 45 Tue 29th Mar – The last four days I have kinda neglected typing about my day. I have been walking more now my back is much better. I intend to run again now.

I have also been very up and down emotionally. My family argue sometimes. It’s the normal family bickering. I have found though it brings me down lately.

I don’t want to listen to people ranting or shouting at each other. Instead of trying to calm things down like I used to do, I just sit quietly and switch off.

I have my own doubts and dark thoughts. I don’t need anyone else’s. Shutting down helps, I sit there thinking about other things. A few have noticed the chance. They know I get depressed now.

I sit through the ‘don’t be silly’ talks or ‘come on cheer up’.

My steampunk clothing is growing slowly. There’s still part of me asking why I am bothering.

Miss Peanut is having so much fun. She’s saying more words and so many cuddles with everyone. We go out every day for walks or shopping.

I can’t believe it’s been just over a week. It feels like we have been here a lot longer.

Whenever I think about Rome I feel sad and don’t want to go back. I like being busy. Even though my family can sometimes be annoying I love them. I love the noise and doing stuff.

I feel more alive here.

My second story is finished. I am still re-reading it to see if I have missed anything.

My third story has begun to. I am not writing tons but enough to keep my creative side satisfied.

Me and the dog enjoy a nice run together. He’s always happy to go out with me. I also enjoy running in the day with sunlight!

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Day 46 Wed 30th Mar – A friend here in the UK asked to read my first story. I have agreed and sent it to her. It’s nice to have someone give it a quick read. I have just asked her to let me know if the flow of the story sounds good.

Miss Peanut thought this feather would be an interesting buy at a charity shop.

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Day 47 Thur 31st Mar – Long run today with my Sister. I love these runs. We talk. We laugh. These are things i miss in Rome as i have no one to do this with. I honestly think if i had someone to run and talk to there even for an hour a day i would be less depressed.

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Day 48 Fri 1st Apr – 3 mile walk today

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Day 49 Sat 2nd Apr – I ask Alex if i am going to go back to the same as it was before. I have a week left and i don’t want to go back to the way it was in Rome. I like having company. I like doing things. I like having people to talk to.

Alex tells me we will do more. He also tell me we didn’t get into the state nursery for Miss Peanut. He does leap into action though and contacts a private one near us. We have an appointment to visit them the week we are back in Rome.

The head of the place even suggests Miss Peanut could go to them from morning til lunch until June. This makes me happy. She loves other kids. I really believe she will be happier going to play with other little ones.

My only down is september she will go from 9 am til 4pm! To me thats so long! All day and she will be only 3 years old. I mention my concern but Alex says thats what is done there.

Grandma is also worried about it. But talking to my American friend Jess she tells me they do that in America. Also googling it looks like they do it now in the UK.

I just feel its so long to be parted. I feel a little down. We haven’t been apart much for almost 3 years. Suddenly this feels like a huge step, one i know i wanted.

Alex says we have to cut the strings for mother and child. To me it sounds cruel but i guess other parents do it to. God knows what i will do with all the time i will have in september.

I can’t even remember what that much free time feel likes. I can’t even remember what the heck i used to do with it!

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Six

Day 36 Sun 20th Mar – Car boot sale in the morning was fun. Then food shopping. Miss Peanut loves going to the supermarket with everyone. She helps put things in the trolley and chooses her yoghurts and snacks.

I found some fun figures for her at the car boot and now she’s addicted to playing with them. She adores them. Farm, zoo and airport people with vehicles for her age group.

In the afternoon me and Grandma go through old boxes in the spare room. Some of its old stuff I left there over 8 years ago when I moved to Italy.

It’s of my life from London I wanted to keep. The Grandparents are having the house sorted out in May. Builders will be in to do things, so everything needs to be sorted through and stored away.

It’s funny seeing things from my old life, things that were once important to me. Things that still are. There are things I still want to keep and I can’t get back to Rome. Grandma’s is happy to keep them still. I get rid of a lot of stuff. No point keeping it.

It’s an hour of heavy lifting and moving things about. It’s therapeutic. We both enjoy it.

I have a two mile walk in the afternoon to.

It’s so busy here, I have no time to think or feel depressed. I actually like being this busy. It’s exhausting but fun.

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Day 37 Mon 21st Mar – Relaxing morning watching cartoons. Then in the afternoon Aunty Rachel takes us to Windham and Attleborough. Two lovely little towns to go shopping in. So much fun looking in charity shops with Grandma and Rachel.

Miss Peanut has fun and buys a few little toys. She has a little cold and a cough where her nose is running. We keep her wrapped up warm and have medicine of she needs it.

It’s relaxing.

Rachel, me and the dog decide to go running in the evening before dinner. She’s been mainly doing the gym and treadmill. Every time I come over she likes to run outside with me. It’s fun because we chat while we do it. The time goes quicker and we catch up. I always enjoy these times.

Miss Peanut is happy watching cartoons with Grandma.

2.50 miles run. It’s good to get out and stretch our legs.

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Day 38 Tue 22nd Mar – I have my haircut in the morning. Then me, Peanut and Grandma look in a few shops. We stop for a Cornish pasty at a nice little place with tea and coffee. The kid has a chocolate brownie.

It’s nice to be out and doing things. Nice to have places to go and feel important and free.

My back is starting to ache. I think the heavy lifting Sunday was not such a good idea. Also the kid keeps making me sleep on my side. I can’t stay in that position all night, it gets uncomfortable and I don’t think its helping.

By the time Aunty Rachel gets home and drives us to the town of Diss my back is hurting a lot and stiff. I can’t make sudden moves or I get lightening pain through my lower back.

Luckily everyone else helps with Miss Peanut. I just use the pushchair to walk with. When we get home I have a hot bath, this helps a little. I keep stiffening up when I sit down.

Pain killers help. I know I will have to take it easy for a few days. No running for a little while.

I managed to pick up some steam punk like clothes in the charity shops. This makes me happy.

3 miles walked in Diss so that was my exercise for today.

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Day 39 Wed 23rd Mar – My back feels much better today. Tiny bit stiff and I am walking slow, but a big improvement. Sleeping on my back and front helped a lot. I think sleeping on my side would have made it worse.

Alex notices Miss Peanut coughing over skype. He panics because she has a cold. I get annoyed about this. It’s a cold and a little cough she doesn’t need to go to the hospital. We have medicine that works just fine and is just as good as Italian medicine.

He brings my happy feelings down. I have looked after her for over 2 and half fucking years. I have coped with far worse. She has had coughs and colds here before. His lack of faith makes me want to punch him in the face.

I shut down emotionally after that. We end the skype call. Grandma notices the change in me.

Even she thinks Alex is being over dramatic. He messages me and apologizes. He’s just worried as we are away and things are out of his control. I can understand that bit, I really do. But he has to learn to let go, especially as she gets bigger and wants to go do things with friends etc.

I found a lovely little cameo necklace in a charity shop. My steampunk stuff is coming along so nicely. I have quite a few ideas for it which I can do while I am in the UK.

I treated Miss Peanut and Grandma to a pub lunch as its Grandma’s birthday tomorrow. We had fun. The food was fantastic. My heavy mood lifts and I am smiling again.

My exercises today is a 2 mile walk.

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Day 40 Thur 24th Mar – 3 miles walked today around Norwich. Plenty of shopping and seeing my other sister and my niece. I think the photo says its all 🙂 I am going to hang that in my room.

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Day 41 Fri 25th Mar – 2.70 miles run today. Miss Peanut still has her cough and is a bit clingy. So it was a stay inside watching cartoons and playing.

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Day 42 Sat 26th Mar – 3.50 miles walked.

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I have skipped a few days blogging properly. To be honest i had so much to do i forgot. I was also having fun and feeling more like my old self. I kept up with the exercises though as you can see.

 

365 Days of Fitness – Week 2

Day 8 Sun 21st Feb – Weekends are never calm and tranquil. They are generally a huge annoying mess. Sunday is no acception. I wake up with a million things to do just in the first few hours. Getting Miss Peanut up, nappy changed, getting her dressed. Then I feed the cat, before starting breakfast for everyone. Once that’s done I sit feeding her while eating my own.

The Italian sits playing her music so she can dance while I do all this. Sometimes he does make breakfast when I mention it. What I mean by that is when I nag. Yes I nag. I have evolved into a nagger. God forbidden that I turn into my mother. I know it’s happening. He’s mentioned it a few times. Maybe it’s inevitable.

I do have bursts of anger through my depression mainly directed at him as he’s the only other adult I have contact with every day. Part of me knows this isn’t fair. You’re not always rational though when depressed.

I have become a pro at sarcastic responses. I have a reply for almost anything.

Not that he is always listening.

We have turned into a culture, that doesn’t really listen to what people say. I mean really listen. The kind of way you see and hear the emotions behind the words spoken. There true meaning and why they are being said, the pain, the anger or even the affection and love.

People just answer with the expected response.

A response, which is sometimes just empty words. There spoken just to reply.

This I think is how we lose our connection with others, when they give up truly listening.

Next on my list is doing the food shopping alone. It’s a small escape away. Then it’s back to unpack it all.

I get a 1 minute plank done straight after. It’s hard as I wear my shoes. I prefer doing it barefoot. I love the feel of the ground under my feet. Then it’s on to 21 push ups.

In the afternoon we go and watch Deadpool while the kid is at the babysitter. It feels like old times. I feel happy for a few hours. It’s nice. I miss the old times.

I miss the old us. We aren’t them anymore. We have both changed becoming parents. I am not even sure they existed anymore. I sure as hell don’t feel the same.

When we get back I go straight to the bathroom and do 60 chair dips. There hard and I have to stop every 15 dips rest a minute before I do the next lot. I am sore by the end.

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Day 9 Mon 22nd Feb – Today was a good day. Miss Peanut discovers the hand puppets at the bottom of one of her toy boxes. Its hours of fun with and without me. I managed to get some writing done, which is nice. She’s happy. I am happy it’s a win win situation.

It was salad for lunch. So far in the week I seem to be sticking with them. I am surprised. Maybe it will take a while before I get sick of them. There will come that point I know. Other things will tempt me. Things I shouldn’t have but I probably will.

Chair dips and push ups are on a rest day. So it’s just a run and planking to do. I don’t feel bad or guilty about this. I need the rest days. I decided to leave the plank until after my run.

Alex gets in just after 7pm. I can’t go straight out as he needs the bathroom so I have to watch Miss Peanut. This can be a fail point for me, because he’s in there for ages and time starts ticking on. I don’t want to be out in the dark for ages. It’s already late and I need to feed myself and Peanut. No one else is going to do it.

I want to just go straight out when he gets back. It’s what I need. Eventually he emerges. I have half convinced myself not to go. Instead I mumbled bye and get my arse to the park.

I am already exhausted. The bags under my eyes are still pronounced. I end up running slowly eyes half closed, trying not to stumble.

I manage to run 1.75 miles with only stopping once. As usual it’s to do up my flipping shoe lace.

The plank is for 1 whole minute. Somehow I get it done with not much effort. This has to mean there working right?

Sad news from face book when I get back inside. One of the expats I like who lives in Milan is leaving Italy. She’s had enough and heading back to the UK.

We’ve met up a few times and I like her a lot. My heart feels heavy. In the back of my mind I secretly wish I could leave to. Yes I live here but it’s not really home. I doubt it really ever will be. After over eight years it’s not. So why would that ever change?

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Day 10 Tue 23rd Feb – I am tired and grumpy. I spend the morning waiting for the kid to have a nap. She’s hyper today and driving me nuts. Its changing dvd’s every 5 mins because she wants something different. Then we play and play and she’s still not happy. I let her colour. It keeps her busy for 5 mins. Then we look at books. It’s never ending. I just want five minutes to myself. I don’t think that’s much to ask for.

We are going to the UK to visit family in less than four weeks. It feels so far away. I know once I am there I will gulp in freedom. I will be able to be me. Whoever that is now.

Three weeks there. Grandma loves to help with nappies, feeding, playing. It’s the help I need. The time I need.

I just hope the time up to it won’t drag. I feel down. It settles over me like a thin dark shroud.

I find myself snacking on crisps. I don’t even notice it until I realise I am shovelling them into my mouth. It’s not worth it. Comfort eating doesn’t get me anywhere but fat. I don’t want to use it as a crutch anymore so I stop eating them.

Nap time comes and I hold a perfect 1 minute plank. Then I do 24 push ups.

I do a little writing and researching. I am in a better mood when she wakes up. We phone Grandma for a chat. The kid likes to babble to her on the phone. Grandma sings to her.

It bath time for Miss Peanut. She has fun and we play with her ducks with me sitting beside the bath.

I was going to do 60 chair dips when Alex got home. In the end I don’t have a chance. There is not enough time between cooking dinner and getting the kid ready for bed. I still hate them anyway, so I end up skipping them. Bad I know. Ten days in and I can’t start skipping workouts. Tomorrow I will do better.

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Day 11 Wed 24th Feb – My new kindle was arriving today. I am happy. That is up until the point it comes. I discover Alex has made the internet password illegible. I try typing it a million times yet it is always incorrect. I can’t sort my kindle out now until he gets home at 7pm.

Annoyance is not the words I feel. I am angry he just can’t write it clearly.

I wallow for about an hour in depression then shake it off. I leave the kindle charging and get on with other stuff to distract myself. It helps.

When Miss Peanut is napping I do a 1 minute and half plank. Then I do 26 push ups. I am already seeing slow changes in my body. I hope I can keep it up.

By the time the kid wakes up I have a dull head ache throbbing through my skull. It shoots pain behind my right eye. It seems to have settled in for a long haul. I need to drink more water to get rid of it. I also suspected its lingering anger over the internet password. I just can’t let it go.

It’s starting to feel like ground hog day. Miss Peanut drags out all the toys from every toy box. There strewn all over the floor. I pick them up every five minutes, but they always come back. This has happened for three days straight. It’s felt like one long continuous day since Monday. They all slid together until I don’t know what day it is anymore.

My headache is getting worse. I still have chair dips to do and a run tonight. I give in and take a painkiller.

The headache is gone by the time Alex gets home. I go for my run. I feel FREE. It’s just for the too brief moments of running but I still feel it. It’s a good run and I really enjoy it. I even have a smile for my photo.

The chair dips I abandon. I hate them. Maybe in a few months I will do them again but I don’t think doing something I enjoy is good motivation.

I discover when i get in that i have been typing the wrong code into the kindle. I feel stupid. Yet happy it now works.

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Day 12 Thur 25th Feb – I take Miss Peanut out this morning. We go to the park. It’s a nice morning feeling spring like. We meet another mum with a little boy of 2. Peanut goes wild. She’s so happy to have a little playmate. First she pushes him over then she’s kissing him.

I start a conversation with the Mum in my broken Italian. She quickly picks up I’m English and starts talking to me in English. This makes life easier for me. She seems nice. I try to feel hopefully I have made a mum friend in the park. From experience through this doesn’t always work out. They stop going or their kids go to playgroup. Then i never see them again.

Her little boy is talking and he’s 6 months younger than my girl. She’s towering over him like an amazon. She’s already as big as a three year old. She is going to be tall.

The boy can talk. She even tells me that she knows it takes bilingual kids longer to talk. This still doesn’t make me feel better. I want Peanut to talk.

At the moment its random words like dog, blue, aqua, water. She also says ‘oh no’ ‘oh god’ ‘all gone’.

I talk to Peanut constantly. I show her what things are telling her the names and show her books as well of colours and words.

I know all children are different. They all take different times to learn but this brings me down. I want to run away and go home with Peanut. Hide away. I feel like a failure.

Instead I make myself stay. She’s happy and playing running around laughing. I get someone else to talk to. I try not to feel bad about something that is not under my control.

In the end I have to tear her away as its time to go back. She cries. I know its part tiredness and part happy to play with other kids. I feel like I am being mean, but we have shopping to get.

I don’t feel hungry today and end up just picking at stuff all day.

When the kid is napping I do 26 push ups and 1 minute plank.

The plank wasn’t supposed to be done but I feel like I need it. It’s like a drug now. Seeing how long I can hold it before I start shaking and it starts to feel uncomfortable.

In the afternoon I have a panic attack. It comes out of nowhere. Miss Peanut won’t give me five minutes piece. She’s crawling all over me. I can’t breathe literally.

I try to suck in oxygen but it’s like it’s just not there. My lungs fill with nothing. I am drowning again.

With the kid hugging me tight it soon passes. I curl up on the sofa with her and watch cartoons. I feel unsettled. I hope I don’t have another one.

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Day 13 Fri 26th – Alex wakes us up at 7am. It’s the same everyone morning in the weekday. Me and Peanut don’t really have to get up but he gets us up anyway. When we aren’t moving by 7.30 he’s back to tell us to get up.

He says he doesn’t know why I am so tired. He knows I get up twice in the night to give the kid milk. I am so f@*king tired. Sometimes I wish we could trade places just so he knows what it’s like.

I’m so tired I feel like crying.

Almost less than 3 weeks until we go to the UK. I know I will get to sleep in there along with many other things. It’s the only thing I’m clinging to now. Something to look forwards to.

I break down on the bed and cry. Alex is worried about me. I am an emotional messy today. He tells me he knows how hard it is. I tell him I don’t know who I am any more.

He says I am still me, that I am just buried under everything. I am not sure if I believe him or not. He takes the day off. He’s worried about me and wants to lift some weight of my shoulders.

It’s nice.

We all go out and get some needed stuff done. Peanut likes having Daddy home. It’s someone else to play with. I feel more relaxed. The tension leaves me and I actually feel sort of happy.

I end up running at 5.40pm. It’s still light outside. I haven’t run in the light for a long time. It feels weird. The running is 1.75 miles. It’s a good run. I enjoy it.

The only down side is several flies committing kamikaze in my eyeball and the flow of more people. I think I prefer running in the dark. At least then I am along with my thoughts.

I get in and do a 1 and half minute plank. Straight after I do 28 push ups. I feel it all afterwards. I ache.

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Day 14 Feb 27th – It’s Saturday. I want to lie in bed for ten minutes but I am already being told to get up. It’s raining today. A big storm with high winds is expected. It doesn’t appear.

I am writing again. I have ideas flowing out of my head. It’s fun and I am transported to another city. Sometimes I find it hard getting my characters to interact. I have to imagine their emotions and that’s not always easy. It’s harder on bad days when I feel down. Today I feel ok.

Food shopping is done and I unpack. I keep wondering when I should do my exercises. Alex has been looking after Miss Peanut while I shop.

He says he’s exhausted and needs a break. His words snap something inside me.

I go into the bathroom and close the door. The tears come. I crawl into a corner and quietly sob. All my loneliness, depression, pain, confusion, anger, it all comes crashing out. Those dark feelings are finally free in my head. There much louder now.

I can’t stop. Tears are continuously rolling down my face. I cry quietly. All the while I can hear the Kid and Alex playing.

I want to stop just for half an hour and not have any responsibility. I want the lazy weekends back. I want to be the old me. I want to stop all the emotions, which are now pouring out of me. But they don’t.

I am drowning again and I am hiding in the bathroom.

I curl into a ball in my corner. I am there for a whole 30 minutes. I cry the whole time until my eyes are aching and the numbness is creeping in. It’s a good kind of numb because I can’t feel anything. I want it.

I start to wonder if they would be better off without me. That if I died today it would all be over. I know these are just dark depressed thought. I am too much of a coward to hurt or end myself. I cling to life like everyone else.

There just passing murky thoughts. In the end I want one simple thing my Mum.

I think we all do in the end, when we are hurting and confused. She’s not here though she’s far away in the UK.

Alex comes and finds me. He wants to understand what’s going on. He thinks it’s something he’s done. This just makes me cry all the harder. I can’t stop. All my tears should be shed by now but they just keep coming. My eyes are all puffy and ache even more.

He asks me how do we fix this?

I start to laugh. It’s a crazy manic laugh and I can’t stop. It keeps escaping and I am hysterical. I have to grab onto the washing machine i am laughing so hard. It’s manic, hopeless, right from the deepest depths. It goes on and on continuing  to leak out.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I am having a nervous breakdown. From the look on Alex’s face he thinks so to. I don’t understand what’s happening to me.

I gasp for breath between the crying and the laughing. All the while Alex sits watching me with a worried look on his face. I can hear his voice. The murmur of soothing words.

Slowly the laughing stops but the tears still leak from the corners of my eyes.

Eventually he coaxes me out of the bathroom. We end up talking a lot. He doesn’t want me to be lonely anymore. He wants to see me happy. He hugs me, pets my hair and tells me he loves me.

I just feel completely numb after my jagged emotional purge. I feel empty.

He says maybe I should see a therapist. I am not sure this would help. Telling a stranger how I feel, would that really do anything for me? Is this person going to magically make me feel better and fix me? Am I broken inside? Am I crazy? Is this all normal?

Other suggestions come. Maybe I should find a once a week evening group to join. English groups like this in Rome are few and far between. It might work and only trying will see.

After the kid goes to bed, we talk some more. It helps. He wants to reconnect and so do I.

The numbness is still there though. I want to feel better I really do. How I get there though I really don’t know. I have been like this for so long that i know longer remember how i used to be.

He tells me to do my exercises. I do a 1.30 minute plank and 28 push ups.

They do make me feel better. I enjoy the exercises. They are a bit of control I have over my life. When I go to bed I sleep like a log.

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This week has been very up and down. I really don’t know if that was a nervous breakdown or not. Maybe it was just pain and depression that needed a way out.

I still think the exercise is helping though. I also felt better since breaking down. Maybe its helped to.

365 Days of Fitness – Week one

I am not going to cheat.

Whatever I write on here is what I have done and how I felt.

The only person I would be cheating and lying to is myself. This is my journey and it only affects me.

I sat for a while on the first day figuring out what to do. I tend to work better if I have a written plan, so that’s what I decided to do. It really does help seeing it scribbled in my diary, especially on bad days.

Remembering all the 30 days challenges I did quite a while ago, I went back to them. I have picked planking, chair dips and press-ups for my first 30 days.

These I decided would get me started. They start off easy then build up. I have also restarted the 5km training plan which is three days of running. If I want to run more than I will but I am not putting pressure on it. I think that is the key.

So these sound good. I might mix them up with a workout, if the kid lets me have time. But that depends on her mood and if she decides if Mummy can have time during the day without interruption.

I am posting cheesy photos once a day for Instagram and will use them on here. Hopefully I might actually start smiling in some of them.

Day 1 Sun Feb 14th – My birthday and the day this journey begins.

I am excited and wanted to do everything. Just go out and run as long as I can, then do a million workouts. I know this is because I am excited and determined right now. But I know doing too much at once will just be silly. I don’t want to injure myself.

So I complete the first day of my 30 day challenges. Planking for 20 seconds, 15 press ups and 30 chair dips.

That might not sound like much but I felt them afterwards. Alex surprises me by planking with me. This Italian does not like exercise. So for him to do this is a small miracle. It was his choice and I am happy he is willing to do it.

He is also going to try and keep to this one. It’s good because he tells me to keep my butt down which helps.

I put a photo on Instagram. It’s another way to mark my progress and I think it will help.

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Day 2 Mon 15th Feb – We decided to do the planking in the morning before Alex goes to work. We both are excited to do it even though he complained of aches and pains this morning.

20 secs of planking and even he is feeling it to.

During the day I completed 35 chair dips and 16 push ups. Everything clicks when I do them. I mean physically clicks, it’s a little annoying but I guess it’s a sign I’m getting older.

After eleven hours of playing with Miss Peanut and also watching cartoons on and off, I am mentally drained. Facing going out and running makes me want to cry. I would rather go crawl into the bathroom and hide when the time comes. But I can’t do that.

My three day running plan starts today. The vultures of self-doubt are already circling. I have been thinking too much during the day letting the darkness drag me down.

I can’t help it. I am alone apart from the kid so the depression makes itself at home in my head. It’s been comfortable there for so long now.

The hardest part is getting my ass out the door. On auto pilot I get dressed in my running clothes. I still don’t want to go and putting them on doesn’t make me feel better. I want to wallow in self-pity. Instead when Alex gets home I go straight out to the park.

I don’t think. I just go with my music already on. It’s the only way to make myself go.

I ran a mile without stopping. It was slow and a 13 minute mile but I don’t care. The main thing was after a month and half of not running I did not stop. I had really expected to stop and start, walk, even wheeze a bit. I didn’t though. I felt fine. This did surprise me.

I only stopped after a mile to do up my shoelace then I completed another half a mile. I was buzzing with a flood of endorphins enjoying that tiny spark of positivity which I know won’t last long.

Its motivation I need.

I know this is because it’s the start and I know that might eventually fade. But when it does I will re-read all of this and see how well I have done up to that point.

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Day 3 Tue 16th Feb – A twitter friend has recommended a book for me to read. So I went ahead and downloaded it.

Reasons to Stay Alive’ by Matt Haig. I read the first two pages and I cannot put it down. This guy is describing pretty much exactly how I feel and what is going on in my head. I know I won’t get to read it all in one go. It will have to be in dribs and drabs, but I think it might help.

30 seconds of planking this morning. I am feeling quite strong. Alex huffed and puffed but got it done.

It’s raining today so we are staying inside. Alone with the kid again and I am over thinking stuff and not in a good way.

We had a rough night, she woke up from a nightmare and I spent 30 mins comforting her. After that I lay awake for 2 hours unable to sleep. My brain just would not shut off again.

I feel so tired today. I keep wondering if I am ever going to lose the black bags under my eyes or are they now a permanent fixture.

My arms are aching from the exercises so far. I don’t want to do the ones today. I can’t wimp out now. In the end I force myself. Its only 17 push ups and 40 chair dips.

I feel crappy that a big part of me already wants to give up. That so much of me would let the depression win. I end up having a long cry about it.

Two expat friends John and Alison surprise me with a visit in the afternoon. I have to make the effort to get dressed and tidy up. It makes me have a 1 mile walk with Miss Peanut to the metro to meet them. Luckily it’s stopped raining and it’s time to clear my head in the fresh air.

I love their visit. They live four or five hours from Rome so I don’t see them often. Ali tells me she knows I have been depressed for the last two years. I wish they lived closer. As she points out I am lonely to.

We chat about everything and nothing. They know about my blog post and we talk about that. I look at the floor when I talk. I feel ashamed and can’t look them in the eye.

It helps. They are both understanding and know I have been going through stuff for quite a few years now. When they leave I am mentally drained. You don’t realise the effects of just talking until you haven’t done it for a long time. I feel exhausted but in a good day.

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Day 4 Wed 17th Feb – We went to get the application form for Miss Peanut to start Materna (school) for September when she turns three.

I am almost giddy with a little sense of excitement over this. It means half a day of freedom to breathe and be me.

The only problem is they have limited space and she might not get in.

Alex has suggested we go private if she doesn’t, which means we pay. At this point he knows we have to do it to save my sanity. The excitement soon wears off. At the end of the day nothing is certain and I don’t want to get my hopes up over something that might not happen.

I am still tired even more so. The kind, that can leave you muddle and lets the wrong confused words spill out of your mouth.

She woke up at 5am this morning. It took me an hour to get her to sleep again. Then we were up at 7am. She always wakes once or twice a night for milk still. I seem to have lived on 5 or 6 hours, even less sometimes for almost 2 and half years. It makes me wonder what sleeping the night through would be like again.

I did walk 1 mile and half and that counts as exercise.

Alex is skipping the plank today. His back is hurt and he doesn’t feel up to it. I don’t mind but I still get my 30 sec plank done.

There’s no chair dips today as it’s a rest day on the workout. I still manage 18 push ups.

Today has been a good day. There’s not been much time for me to over think thing and sink into the dark fog hanging over me. Not thinking helps. I am so tired by 7pm, but I still go out for my run.

It’s a mile and half again. Tonight I just want to get it done. Then get back to cook dinner. I hope Miss Peanut will just sleep more tonight.

I am so tired that I end up walk running. Even like this I still get it done.

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Day 5 Thur 18th Feb – Alex doesn’t plank today. I am procrastinating about doing it. I still haven’t done any of the exercises by 3pm. I know I am going to have to at some point.

I am trying to be good food wise. Recently I have been eating crap. Eating myself into sweet oblivion might have looked good at the time, but ultimately it’s not.

So I am going to be as healthy as I can when eating. Treats occasionally are fine. I am not a saint when it comes to food though. It’s been my comfort blanket for so long now.

So far it is going well. I am not sure how long eating salads though for lunch will last.

It’s been a good day so far. I am in a good mood. I have chatted with a few people on Facebook and played a lot with Miss Peanut.

People I know in the UK are all excited about going to see a movie. Deadpool. I really want to see this one to. Having a google to my local cinema which plays a few movies in original language I discover it’s on. The version in Italian is played all day for a week. The English version is only played today and tomorrow once at 10.22pm.

The bottom of my good mood falls out right there. I can’t even go and see a film I want to see anymore. That’s way too late for me, it won’t be finished til midnight. I have a child to put to bed and give milk to in the night, how can I go that late?

I can’t even use it as an escape. Maybe this is a silly thing, but when you can’t do normal things it becomes big to you.

I just want to go lay on the sofa now and cry. Pathetic I guess, but I feel trapped again. Stuck somewhere I can’t be me and be normal.

Eventually I make myself do a 40 second plank. Then 19 push ups and 45 chair dips.

After that I discover the film is also being shown on the weekend at 1pm both days. That’s it though for day showings. It still sucks, but it’s better than nothing and I can hopefully get to see it.

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Day 6 Fri 19th Feb – There’s only a run marked on my diary today. Everything else is marked as a rest day. I am both relieved and disappointed. A strange combination I know. I bounce between them all morning.

The running is tonight but Alex is working late. In the end I swap the workout for today and tomorrow. This mean the run gets moved. I don’t mind.

I do the 45 second plank while Miss Peanut is napping. I did 20 push up when she was awake. My mistake. She decided it was fun to sit on Mummy’s back while I did them.

The child is 13 kgs. I made it to two before I couldn’t move. In the end I had to keep telling her to bring me different toys, just so she would leave me alone to get it done. I survived.

I procrastinate with the chair dips, but eventually get 50 done.

Today I throw myself into my writing. It helps as I lose myself in my characters and storylines. It’s not always easy to do, especially with a toddler on the loose.

Normally I just write during Miss Peanut’s nap times and when she’s gone to bed. It’s my therapy through words. My little bit of freedom to express myself. I stick on her favourite cartoons and manage to get 20 mins to myself. These moments are precious to me. I love her to bits, but need my space to.

My stories are flowing. I’m falling in love with my characters a little more each time. One day hopefully I might share them with the world.

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Day 7 Sat 20th Feb – Weekends are the worst for me to exercise. Alex is home and I tend to get extremely lazy. We end up going to the little mall we like. I eat to much as I always do on weekend. I planned to have no dinner, but Alex announces we are having pizza tonight. He doesn’t seem to understand when I say I don’t want dinner I’m fine. I guess that comes from living with an Italian.

I sneak into the bedroom in the afternoon to get my 45 sec plank done.

Then I do 21 push ups to. Miss Peanut is at the door. Her little face pressed up against the frosted glass. I do these quickly. You can’t really take it slow with a toddler stalking you. She knows I’m in her. There is no escape.

The 50 chair dips I get grudgingly done. They are done in the bathroom, while Peanut is distracted with cartoons. I hate these, but I know their good for me.

I have to invent new ways to keep the kid distracted. It’s not always easy.

My kindle then decides to inexplicably die. Dead as a door nail. It’s been my faithful companion for over a year and half. I google on it, read books, use face book, twitter. It feels like I have lost an extension of myself. It’s abandoned me.

Why me? That’s what I ask myself. Why do these things happen to me when things start going right?

Yes I get a little depressed. Alex is on hand though to have a look at it. He does some googling and then arranges for me to have another one. Somehow he wrangles me a free one. Don’t ask me how. But my deceased kindle is to be replaced on Thursday. I am happy again. He is a miracle worker.

I have a mile and half run to do that I couldn’t do yesterday. I keep procrastinating. It gets to 6.40pm. I prefer to run in the dark at this stage. Less people can see me.

In the end I go out and run it. It’s a good run I don’t stop running until it’s done. My head fills with story ideas as I run. I wonder why I stopped running for so long when it feels this good.

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Reading back through my daily posts this is starting to sound like a diary. That’s ok if this is how it’s going to go. I am being honest and open. It’s something I feel I need to do. I have hidden behind a sad smile long enough. Writing is therapeutic or so they say.

I don’t know if it will be like this every week. I guess I will have to wait and see.

So week one accomplished with its ups and downs.

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