365 Days of Fitness – Week 10

Day 63 Sun 17th Apri – Was planning a longer run but Miss Peanut was out walking with Alex. As soon as she saw me, she didn’t want to let me go. So i couldn’t run past. So a short run today. Better than nothing.

12993477_10154126728063594_5635159494442209745_n

Day 64 Mon 18th Apri – Peanut started nursery today. I was nervous as hell. She seemed to like the first visit but would she like it once she started? Me and Alex took her there. The whole way we kept telling her how fun school was.

She seemed excited. When she saw the building she started shouting yay yay. So that was a good sign.

She didn’t even look to see we there. Then we sat for 30mins waiting for her to finish. The first week she is staying a growing degrees of time.

Apparently this will wet her appetite for nursery. She won’t we were told grow bored and will want to come back. Each day will lead to something new for her. It’s clever and crafty. And I think it will work.

30 mins later and she’s led back out to us. The kid has a huge grin on her face. She’s so happy. She doesn’t want to leave again.

I take her home. I am feeling full of hope. She needs this I can see that. Peanut is over excited and so so happy.

I have time to write when she naps. She’s exhausted. I feel lighter. I am feeling more determined to. I am going to start doing more things for me now.

13062322_10154135960533594_8118023055706658525_n

Day 65 Tue 19th Apri – 8am and the kids fully dressed at the door chomping at the bit to get to school! I have to keep repeating we don’t need to be there until 9. She makes me laugh with her enthusiasm.

I am enjoying the walk there each morning. It’s all green with lovely flowering trees. I feel like I’m out and part of the world again. I feel like I am connecting again.

Peanut stays longer this time. I have to stay the first week just in case she gets worried. It’s all part of the psychology. Hopefully by next week she will start the full 9 until 12 and I will be able to go home in-between.

She comes out with a drawing she did. The kid is all smiles again. She carries it all the way home. We get pizza slices from the shop as a snack.

It’s funny how changing something can make you feel better. Even the walk in the morning is lifting my spirits. Maybe it’s all the sunshine to.

Alex is sinking into watching his youtube videos at dinner time again. It’s annoying. He knows how I feel about it. Once in a while is fine, every night is not. I haven’t seen him all day and would like to talk.

After trying to ask him a question three times and him not realising because he’s glued to the video I give up.

I feel disappointed. It starts to get me a little down. I don’t like being ignored. It makes me feel like I am disappearing or that I am an unheard ghost.

13015521_10154135960428594_4699686634602601633_n

Day 66 Wed 20th Apri – So tired today. I think this first busy week is taking its toll. Peanut screams school school on the way there in the morning. It’s the first time she’s said it. There are other words she’s saying now to. Italian words.

The nursery is obviously doing her good and stimulating her talking. I am relieved.

She’s there for over an hour today. I sit reading a book I bought with me. Its nice to have a corner there to read in while I wait.

They take the kids out in the garden to play. Peanut doesn’t want to come home when its time. She wants to stay with her new friends. I have to bribe her with the promise of pizza.

It’s good she wants to go. I just hope it stays that way. Everyone there says she’s a lovely little girl and I have done well with her. That I should be proud.

I get more writing done today. I feel a little down. I am not sure why. Maybe it’s just the tiredness.

I am hoping it’s not the depression creeping back more. I know it’s still there. I am just choosing to ignore it and focus on the positive.

My story is going well. I have the outline and now just writing chapter by chapter. I am having fun with my characters.

I find a one day writing workshop in Rome! I sign up immediately. I have to do. I want to go. I love my writing and if ways appear to learn and improve it, I will grab it with both hands.

The workshop isn’t until May. I am smiling when I write it in my diary. It’s another thing to look forwards to. Another thing that is mine.

13087457_10154135960343594_6662828231793029650_n

Day 67 Thur 21st Apri – Even more tired today. The week seems to be going quickly but it’s leaving me so tired. Maybe it’s all the activity. My confirmation for the workshop arrives. I do a little happy dance. I can’t wait!

13051573_10154135960238594_63680262692707036_n

Day 68 Fri  22nd Apri– I am told at the nursery to go and come back in an hour and half! I spend the time exploring the area which I don’t know completely. It’s a lovely day. The sun is warm and healing on my skin. It calms me.

Even the brightness of the sun is making me happy. I will have to dig out my sun glasses at some point.

I go look at a little market I am always fond of but never have a chance now to go and look at. I have fun rummaging through all the second hand clothes. I even find a little jacket which looks a little steampunk like and buy it.

Then I have a three mile walk. I power walk as I explore. My head is circling with ideas for my story. Every so often I stop to scribble in my note book.

The exercise is good for getting the imagination juices running. My mind flows to more descriptive words. There are also twists and turns being added to my stories plot. Things that I have not foreseen before now.

Peanut is happy when I collect her. She loves school. They have a male teacher who teaches the kids English. He comes up and translates for me. I love this. Love having someone to explain things to me properly in my own language.

It puts my mind at ease. He tells me he’s always around if I need him to translator.

He tells me their happy with Miss Peanut’s progress. They are trying to teach her the rules. She needs to learn to sit when told. Not to shove other kids or take their toys. I know this will take a while.

I go home feeling a lot happier.

I weave my new ideas into my storyline when it’s her naptime.

In the afternoon we play and watch cartoons. I feel a lot closer to her than I have been.

Alex comes home. I have assigned Fridays as our family even out time. He is a little grumpy. He just wants a pizza at home.

I am firm with the idea of our evening out. We go to a local place we know. Everyone had fun and we enjoy a meal of meat and vegetables. So much better than pizza. He admits he had fun. We are all happy even our little girl.

13051640_10154142469328594_164926624726571515_n

Day 69 Sat 23rd Apri – Miss Peanut is at the front door once she’s dressed at 8am. She thinks she’s going to school. When she realises Alex is staying home, she’s all over him like a baby monkey.

I try and spend the morning doing some writing. You would think with another adult at home this would be easier right? It’s not. I am now looking after two human beings instead of one. Both are demanding.

Every five minutes I am being called to go look at something. Things I don’t really need to see. The kid wants Daddy. He is happy to have her but he soon gets tired.

I have two friends reading my first story. The first one had already given me feedback. The second one now messages me.

She’s the one who loves this genre. She’s hard core role player and fiction addict. I wait biting my nails to what she’s going to say. I know it doesn’t matter too much. Not everyone will like them. Yet still I find it important to have someone enjoy them.

She LOVES IT. She enjoyed the plot, my characters and ideas. And she wants to read my second book!

This brings up my confidence and my mood. Two people in the world like my novels. There will no doubt be more! It gives me a well needed smile.

We take Miss Peanut to the part and then a few shops. Home again she plays and watches cartoons.

There’s supposed to be a storm today. Its grey outside but the rain doesn’t come. I want to watch a movie together but there doesn’t seem to be time.

I can feel my mood slipping. I end up snapping at Alex. I don’t have patience anymore. I just want to go somewhere for five minutes of peace.

13087341_10154142468448594_8909567058080119856_n

Advertisements

365 Days of Fitness – Week Nine

Day 57 Mon 11th Apr – I am trying to keep my positive vibe going. All the sunny weather is helping. It’s so much warmer and brighter here than it was in the UK.

I take Miss Peanut out in the morning. We do our usual rounds. In the corner shop she is chatting away which surprises the people we know there. Usually she’s quiet and shy. She even runs up to Mauro and smiles at him taking offered pizza. He is over the moon as he always thinks that she doesn’t like him.

I think she was just shy before and didn’t have so much interaction with other people. In the UK she was swamped with it.

By the afternoon we are both knackered. I think we are still tired from the traveling. I get a little writing done. Then I chat to a friend on facebook.

I find out we lost a facebook friend the day before. Gil. He always posted lovely comments on my blog or comments on photos of Miss Peanut.

I get teary-eyed. I am going to miss the old guy. Even though I didn’t know him physically he was always a ray of positivity and happiness.

By the time Alex gets home I am too tired to run. The kid is also a little clingy. She has been asking where Papa /Daddy is all day. It’s a long day for both of us.

So I just stick with the walk I did in the morning as exercise.

12994486_10154126728428594_2601405262037436141_n

Day 58 Tue 12th Apr – This morning is the visit to the nursery. I am anxious. We still don’t know the cost or if Miss Peanut will like it. The place isn’t far. The spring-like early morning walk fills me with hope that this is all going to go well.

The place is an old Villa with gates and buzzers to get. I like it on sight. The kid likes it to as she gets all excited.

As soon as we get in she squeals with delight seeing the other kids and toys. Then she’s off into the playroom. She only looks back a few times to check we are still there.

The owner is a Grandmother type. She is really nice and understanding. Alex and the lady chat about everything. Me I sit looking around and liking the place even more. It feels nice. Child friendly and has a good vibe.

We are shown around. Everything is child-friendly and cheerful.

Miss Peanut is having so much fun. I can hear her happy laugh from the other room. Eventually she does come looking for us. She wants me to play with her to.

The lady explains I should stand by the playroom door and not go in. This way the kid can see I am still there but will understand I won’t go in.

We agree to start Peanut at the nursery. She loves it and we are both happy. We all agree that she can start the following Monday.

It’s time to leave but the kid doesn’t want to go. She wants the toys she had found. Then realising we are leaving she cries and throws herself on the floor.

I sit and hug her fiercely, all the time whispering and promising she will start on Monday. That she will play and make friends. That I know she wants to go to this place.

Eventually she calms and says ‘bye bye’ to everyone. She is happy again. We walk back home talking about what we have learned. The place is not cheap but we want to do this for our little girl.

Even in September she doesn’t have to go the whole day apparently. She can stay until 1pm. This way it is a little cheaper than having her stay the whole day.

This makes me happy. I want time with her. I want to keep learning English with me and playing games etc and having snuggles.

I am lazy and stick to just a walk. We are also eating the stash of chocolate Grandma sent us home with. Not good for my waist line. But it tastes so good.

12670367_10154126728348594_8527383961360524247_n

Day 59 Wed 13th Apr – I know i have been lazy. Today i manage a 1 mile run. It is better than nothing. It’s still light outside when i go. It means more people in my way. It makes me wonder if winter running is better. Less people to fall over and trip over.

12998460_10154126856353594_2156496039360113583_n

Day 60 Thur 14th Apr – I keep forgetting to blog. I guess it’s not a great loss. I don’t need to write every thought in my head down here. My writing is going well. My third story is flowing from my fingertips through the keys of my little laptop. It’s just having the time to write which is the problem. Sometimes I end up just scribbling notes in my notebook when I am playing with Miss Peanut or if we are out. Sometimes stuff comes to me in the night and I have to get up and write them down quick. I am still passionate about my writing. The world in my mind and my characters are clamouring to get out.

Sometimes Alex point’s out I am mumbling to myself. This is me just reading my words out loud. I am not a crazy person. Well ok. I am a crazy to a certain level. I think everyone is one way or another. What is really normal in this day and age?

The kid is a little clingy today, so it’s just a walk.

13043336_10154126728198594_5018927524548790797_n

Day 61 Fri 15th Apr – My monthly cycle had started. It makes me more sensitive than normal. It’s the end of the first week and my anxiety is back full force. I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Alex tells me to smile when he leaves for work. I can barely turn my lips up in a semblance of one. I don’t smile here as much as I do in the UK. I don’t feel carefree.

I feel lonely again. There’s no one to talk to. Don’t get me wrong I have people to talk to on facebook messenger. There’s even Alex on skype chat.

No I mean someone physically here, someone to have a laugh with, chat with. Connect with.

I have gone from three weeks of busyness, noise, and people to me just talking to Miss Peanut.

I am so wound up I feel like I might be sick.

I take the kid to the park hoping some air and activity will help.

It does. We see some other kids. She’s happy playing with them and we enjoy the warmth on the sun. Closing my eyes i soak it up. We just need to keep busy. This will help i am sure. All i can hope it that i am right.

I feel better by the time we go home. We spend two hours in the park. We both enjoy it.

Alex takes us out to the beer garden for dinner. It’s like old times. We all have fun. It’s what we all need. I feel myself relax.

12993408_10154126728148594_4239007279809986172_n

Day 62 Sat 16th Apr – We are busy today getting things for Miss Peanut for nursery. We go shopping to get the non-slip socks she needs.

It’s a good morning. Me and Alex talk seriously about some issues. He knows I am still unhappy and on the verge of wanting to go back to the UK. Instead we talk about our fears and why things aren’t moving forward as they should.

We both thing nursery is going to help. I will have some much needed breathing space. It’s a start. We agree to take other things forwards from there. We shall see how it all goes.

The day is a good one. Alex is still more attentive than normal. He barely touches his online game. Miss Peanut adores it. She wants to play with him constantly or making him lay on the bed with her. She’s happy giggling and laughing. We feel more like a unit than individuals coping with a toddler.

just another walk today.

13007122_10154126728108594_7347859464899400890_n

365 Days of Fitness – Week Four

Day 22 Sun 6th Mar – Tired this morning. I did a lot yesterday and am still recovering. We have a quiet morning. Lunch time we go for a walk and out to eat.

I am tired and strangely feeling down. I don’t know why. It’s just there hovering over me like a dark cloud. I have noticed that if I have a fantastic high day it always seems followed by a low the next day.

While we are out having lunch at a place we eat, I get lost in thought. I get sucked in to thinking about my writing.

I have two friends reading my first finished one. I want to know what they think. I have self-doubt. What if they think they are crap? What if they say I write badly? I have already warned them about my commas or lack of knowing where they go. I was dyslexic at school.

I struggled with spelling words for a long time. Through reading I managed to memorize what the words look like and how to spell them. I still have trouble sometimes when words don’t write how they sound. ‘Suggest’ was always a word I struggled with because it always sounded like it should have an ‘r’ in it somewhere.

Through my love of books and reading I managed to learn the correct way to spell it. I think this is why I struggle with learning to read Italian. I can’t sound the words.

I know my stories might not be for everyone. People like different type of books that’s natural. I know I will have to take criticism and I can and I will.

My fear is they won’t like my storyline.

I can feel my thoughts spiralling down. Alex notices and starts talking to me about my stories.

He knows all about them. He uses them as a way to get my talking and happy. I have talked to him about them none stop. He likes the ideas behind them.

Alex is the kind of man who tells you how it is. I know if they were crap he would tell me. He is insistent they are good.

We talk about publishing one. I want to. I really do, it’s a dream. The more I write about these characters the more they grow in substance. They are living and breathing in my imagination. They in a way are different aspects of me, I guess.

I want to bring their stories to others. I want to set them free in the world, into other people’s imaginations.

My emotions are up again. The rest of the day passes with me food shopping and unpacking and doing all the other Sunday’s bits and pieces.

At 6pm I go out and run 2.25 miles. It’s very slow. My legs still ache from the walking yesterday. I also still have back aching from doing the planks. It’s still a good run though.

12814256_10154021450093594_1395756071163545639_n

Day 23 Mon 7th Mar – It’s Monday. The beginning of the week always feels like its stretching out in front of me. It seems long and never ending.

Today Miss Peanut decides to be a model. She wants to put on different clothes every five minutes. It’s cute. She growing and I have been encouraging her to choose her own clothes and toys since she was born.

I am feeling positive again. I have been thinking a lot and writing down story ideas. It’s all good. The genre I am writing in is a popular one. There will be someone out there who likes my stories. If not then that’s fine. I am writing because I love to and that’s all that really matters in the end. My happiness to do so.

A friend online suggests a different type of plank that won’t hurt my back. I will give it ago when it finally stops hurting. At the moment I seem happy just to run.

The day seems to go quickly which is nice for once, usually they drag.

In the evening I go run 1.15 miles. It’s a good run I feel strong and I am happy. I even smile for my photo this time. I wish i didn’t have manic eyes in the photo lol

10453353_10154021449653594_1610991554195909944_n

Day 24 Tue 8th Mar – Alex’s friend who does my back comes over. He’s here to crack me into place and help my ache. He is a nice guy but seems shy.

I tend to have a habit of looking people exactly in the eyes when I talk to them. This seems to make some people shy. He is one of these people.

He cracks and twists me a few times. It strange both exhilarating and frightening. Feeling and hearing the cracking is strangely nice. It never hurts just sounds scary. I can feel the strength in his body. He’s a big guy.

I don’t mean fat, but muscular. It wouldn’t take much for him to snap me in half. It’s a funny little thrill for me placing myself in the hands of someone else with trust.

He’s always gentle with me even when the positions become a little uncomfortable.

He says he can feel I am running again. My muscles feel more fluid. This makes me happy. He says the running is the best thing for me.

I know this already. I am not going to stop. I enjoy it too much now.

Everyone leaves and it’s me and Peanut alone again. She’s obsessed with putting different Peppa pig dvd’s on every five minutes. It’s raining we aren’t going out.

Another face book friend messages me. She follows my blog and has been catching up. She says I was describing her feelings over a year ago. Like me she has suffered from depression since becoming a Mum.

She tells me she had read a lot of surveys and apparently peoples happiness decrease when they become parents. I can believe this is true.

Suddenly you aren’t free anymore. You’re responsible for a small person who can’t take care of themselves. It fills every waking hour and even when you sleep. You eat, breathe and sleep it.

It’s easy to lose your identity in being MUM.

Like me she doesn’t have family close. You feel trapped and without any help. It can be a struggle.

She tells me she made a list of how she was and how she wanted to be. It’s sent to me. I am curious and read it through.

A few points jarringly stick out. She mentions how depression affects those around us to.

It hits me then like a fucking lightning bolt to the head. My darkness, my depression is affecting Miss Peanut to.

It gets the cogs turning. Am I being a bad mother? Maybe I am. God knows I try to do stuff with her and sometimes it’s a struggle to get myself motivated.

This little person, my daughter is looking up at me as a role model. Am I failing her? I don’t know what to think. I know I do tend to over think things, more than ever now when being depressed.

I want to be happy and healthy for her. I want to be a fun Mum. Someone the kid wants to spend time with.

I run two miles. It’s a good run. I am getting faster slowly and feeling stronger.

The whole time I am thinking everything I have learned through. I need to do better. The kid needs me. I have to try harder to be what she needs.

No more wallowing in depression. I have to get over this pity party.

1532129_10154021448213594_6591850157174686981_n

Day 25 Wed 9th Mar – I endeavour to spend more time amusing Miss Peanut today. We break out the paints and paper. She hasn’t played with paint before. I have always stuck with crayons.

Yes I know it’s lazy. It’s just easier and I don’t have Alex freaking out that there’s paint everywhere. Even after 2 and half years he still struggles with the mess a child makes.

I am not sure he will ever be comfortable with it.

Miss Peanut loves it. I teach her how to wet the brush, put it in the colours then paint. She’s a fast learner. Soon she’s painting away like a pro.

It’s fun. We both enjoy it.

I am more attentive to her than usual. We play and sing songs. It leaves me feeling very positive. Maybe I don’t suck at being a mother after all.

By 3pm the day is dragging for both of us. It’s raining so we don’t go out. She brings me the phone and wants to phone Grandma.

We can’t get through because there something wrong with the line. She runs to the computer and gestures to skype. We can’t do that either. Grandma doesn’t know how to do it alone and Aunty Rachel is out.

Peanut cries. She sobs her little heart out. I feel awful. She is desperate for contact with others. I am obviously not enough. I can understand that to.

After some messaging, Aunty Rachel skypes us. She’s at her boyfriends. I haven’t met him but he seems like a lovely guy.

The kid is so happy and over excited! It makes her afternoon.

By the time Alex gets home at 7pm I just want to go run. It’s my time to breathe. Just me and outside with my music playing. I am really enjoying it and don’t want to stop.

By 7.28pm I finally get outside. I hate waiting for Alex to be ready to let me get out.

I have a lovely 1.50 mile run. I enjoy it so much.

I wanted to do more but Alex is going out to see friends tonight. I don’t have time. It’s already late and I have to cook dinner before he goes. I content myself with the short run. People in my building think i am a little crazy. Guess there not far out on that. I end up smirking as i take my photo as the woman who lives next door to us is talking to me.

983631_10154021447683594_8232096570148452626_n

Day 26 Thur 10th Mar – Tired this morning. Peanut woke me up about a million times last night. I am quiet and subdued. Alex doesn’t seem to grasp this.

He is annoying. I don’t feel like doing much today. All I want to do is go back to bed or curl up and read quietly. Neither happens.

I play with Peanut. Eventually she leaves me to play alone. She tugs out all her toys. There strewn across the sitting room floor. I can barely see the ground beneath. I am too tired to put them away. She will just pull them back out again anyway. So it will be done just before Alex gets home.

I have writers block in the morning. By her nap time I have some ideas to write down.

Afternoon and I am feeling happier. I am designing a Steampunk costume. I want to wear it at the next festival here in Rome in sept. I have the dress, goggles, gloves and hat.

The other bits I need I will search for in the UK. Just 9 days now until our trip and I can’t wait. I am going home. This knowledge makes me happy.

We talk to Grandma and Aunty Rachel for a while on skype. This makes the kid happy. I can’t wait for her to see them. She gets sad every time we end the skype conversations.

I have decided to do more things to make myself happy and please myself. I don’t think this is being selfish. I am just meeting needs and wants I have.

Things like my exercises. I also want to get a new tattoo at some point. Do things that are important to me whenever I have spare time. If I find spare time.

My run tonight is 2.25 miles. It’s raining a little and there’s a biting cold. Not many people have ventured out. I am only one of four runners to brave the weather.

I have to go slow because the ground is slippery. Never the less I get my run done. I am happy with the results. My running is giving me an inner peace. I need the calm it brings now, the time to think.

I chat on Facebook to a mum expat friend. It makes me smile and I go to bed happy.

12814163_10154021447473594_2107378688901249044_n

Day 27 Fri 11th Mar – Today i spend more time playing with Peanut. More painting. She loves it a lot. We sing to her favorite sings. I talk to her as i always do chatting away. She talks back in baby chat. Somethings sound like words but there not clear. She watches me as i say the correct name to things but she likes to call everything ‘apple’ or ‘ Peppa’ her to favorite words.

1 mile and half tonight.

There are too many dog walkers. Don’t get me wrong I love dogs. It’s there owners I hate here.

They stand all spread out on the path chatting in a group. There dogs are either free to roam or on the leads as far as they can go. You can’t get past. They are everywhere and in the way.

It’s so rude and they don’t seem to care. I end up growling under my breath a million times at them. I hate their rudeness.

The run goes well and I am happy with it.

580785_10154021447168594_7061081493756493591_n

Day 28 Sat 12th Mar – We are going to Miss Peanut’s favourite place today. The little Mall. It’s the last weekend before me and the Kid go to the UK for 3 weeks. I can’t wait! It’s my high point that’s keeping me focused at the moment.

Today I notice changes in my body. I have lost weight on my hips and tummy. My face looks a little thinner to. They aren’t chances other people would really see I don’t think. Not unless I was naked.

As I live in this body, under this skin, it’s easier for me to see them. I am happy my getting fit and stronger is working. I like the changes in my body. I want to get back down to a size 10.

I have only been that size once. It was when I got married and before Peanut was born. I felt comfortable that size and happy in myself. I want that again.

I am toying with 30 day progress pics, but we will see. I think seeing the difference and having them as a reminder will help if my motivation lags at any time.

We all have fun at the Mall. Peanut plays with other kids and runs around with the biggest smile on her face. I am glad it’s made her happy.

I’m getting more excited about our trip and can’t wait to start packing even though it’s still a week away.

My run today is just 1 mile. It’s a good run I do it fast and feel happy after.

936567_10154021443458594_6430064755824103158_n

 

The Hunter Chronicles

Frostbite - A Novel by Claire Marta

Be Like Water

Music, Film and Life

21097m

Training for my first half marathon

Jessica on the Run

The tail of an American gal with two crazy dalmatians in Northern France