365 Days of Fitness – Week 11

Day 70 Sun 24th Apri – It’s raining. I go do all the food shopping and bring it home to unpack. My bad mood is still lingering from yesterday. I am trying to hold onto the positive-ness but it’s hard.

Alex suggests we watch that movie I wanted to watch the other day. Ground Hog Day. It’s one of my favourites. I curl up on the sofa. Miss Peanut sits playing with her toys. She doesn’t seem to mind.

The film is funny. It makes us laugh and smile. It’s just what was needed to loosen us all up. We need moments like these. When you can just sit and watching something heart-warming.

We chat with Grandparents on skype. Peanut is going nuts. She misses them. I can’t wait to get back there in June for the summer. Alex will be in tow. It will be a proper family holiday this time.

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Day 71 Mon 25th Apr – I feel so tired. Ancient even. My face feels like it won’t be cracking a smile anytime soon. I feel like maybe I have resting bitch face. A constant look of cold reserve.

Miss Peanut isn’t sleep so well. Sometimes she makes little whimpers or upset noises. Bad dreams. They keep me awake. I worry about her. Or then my brain kicks in and I can’t drift off again.

Alex books the tickets for our holiday in June. It is always a chore. It can never be calmly done. Things have to be picked at then looked at over and over and over. I start to lose my patience again.

Why can’t things just be done simply? Breathing deeply and counting to ten helps.

We take her to the supermarket. It’s nice a family little walk just to grab some bits and pieces.

I need to go run today. The walking has been good as exercise but I promised myself I would run again.

Alex asks me when I will be done writing. This annoys me. He’s playing Facebook and the kid is playing quietly. Why do I have to stop?

I get snappy. I feel depressed but anger burns straight through it.

He tells me he doesn’t want me not to write. He’s happy I am. He just wants some family and us time. I say ok.

I know sometimes I am too focused, but it happens when I am in the zone, especially through critical scenes. When my imagination is flowing I can’t turn it off and on like a tap. I need to get it all down.

I tell him part of me is frightened he’s going to rip my writing from me. Crush it. That I am holding onto it so tight I won’t let it go.

He says he won’t. But I need to find balance. Ok. So he is right. I get that.

The rest of the day is calmer. We both spend time together. We spend time with the kid to.

I go out and run. It’s only a mile and half as the trees are shedding white pollen everywhere. It isn’t pleasant. I end up with it in my eyes, mouth and up my nose. Urgh.

At least though I ran. I am happy with that. I can see I have lost more weight. My running trousers are loser. I have to tie them up tighter.

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Day 72 Tue 26th Apri  – Just a 3 mile walk today and yes I ate to much chocolate….

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Day 73 Wed 27th Apri – Where did all the warm weather go? I hate this chillness, the rain. I want to feel the sun warm on my skin again. It relaxes me and makes me feel happy.

The kid is dropped off at school quite happily. I have two hours until I pick her up.

I hurry home. I have a ton of ideas I need to type down. Conversations and situations the walk had made me think of.

When I collect Miss Peanut she wants an early lunch. We spend the rest of the day dancing. She’s obsessed with music at the moment. We dance and wiggle. It’s fun and has me smiling.

When bedtime comes around she doesn’t want to go. We have had this for a few days now. She cries and screams. Why she doesn’t want to go to bed we have no idea. It’s Alex’s night but he can’t get her to settle. In the end for the second one of his nights, I end up going to bed with her.

It makes me angry. I don’t see why he can’t handle her. It’s not difficult. But nope he can’t do it. I end up laying there glaring at him angrily. Why am I the only one who can do this stuff?

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Day 74 Thur 28th Apri – I ache. I think I am coming down with something. Either that or its all the morning exercise taking the kid to school. I power walk with the pushchair and sometimes it’s tough going.

I am still annoyed over last night. It’s also our 4 year wedding anniversary today. Alex doesn’t remember. I knew it was this week and only know it’s today because face book reminds me. I tend to just know what day it is, not the date we are on. It’s usually hmm ok its April the end of I think.

I mention it to Alex. He smiles and says happy anniversary. I know we won’t be doing anything special today. Usually I make the effort and set something up. I am tired of being the only one who remembers. Who makes the effort. So I am not bothering.

He will be going roll playing with his friends tonight. I know he won’t change that. It’s not like he wants to do something with me to celebrate. I just want to have a hot bath tonight, write and be left alone. Maybe spend the evening watching cartoons with Miss Peanut. Have some more mother, daughter time.

I guess that’s not a good sign for a couple. But I am tired of making the effort. Let someone else do it for a change.

We meet a Nun on the way to nursery. We have seen her a few times. She had a kind smile and strokes Miss Peanut’s face. She says she can see my beautiful daughter loves school. It’s kind obvious when she’s calling the word at the top of her lungs.

The kid goes straight in. I am told to return at 11.15am. The time is growing longer soon she will be there until 12!

I powerwalk home. The silence of the house is welcome. I make a tea and sit writing a few notes I have thought of. Things to add to my third story. I am having fun with it. My characters are growing and are on a journey of self-discovery. I guess a lot like me.

Alex messages me and says he can get someone to baby sit on the weekend and we can go celebrate our anniversary then. I agree. Part of me would have liked to have done it today. I am also trying to remind myself what we are celebrating.

Before marriage, we were closer. More affectionate more bonded. It’s not like that anymore. I don’t feel connected, I just feel lost.

We do have a good evening. He sinks into his you tube video at dinner time. He brings cake home and we eat that after. We end up doing our on things.

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Day 75 Fri 29th Apri – I am in a really good mood today. Nothing can dent it. I have exciting things brewing, which I can’t talk about yet as I don’t want to jinx it.

I can say my sister is doing a little project for me with her photography. Today she takes some test shots. I love them. Cannot wait to get started on the proper photos in June when we visit.

It’s warm again outside. I love love love the sunshine and the warmth. Miss Peanut is at nursery for a whole 2 and half hours.

This morning was the first time she got upset and cried about going. She has a cold. That’s the reason I know she got upset. When she comes out shes all smiles.

We spend the afternoon playing and dancing. I chat with friends on face book messenger. I am happy and relaxed. The future is looking up

It friday so our evening out. Alex makes noises about it like hes forgotten. I know he was. I remember him tell him he can still have a pizza as long as we go out as a family. We do. Everyone has fun. I intend to keep friday nights out up.

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Day 76 Sat 30th Apri – Today we have a long walk out. The warm weather is back and we are all soaking up the sun. Miss Peanut walks about 2 miles and plays in another park we occasionally visit. She loves. She has so much fun.

When we get home and she naps Alex wants us time. We lie on the bed and talk. It’s like old times. He even gives me a back massage, which he hasn’t done in years. It melts my stress away. I miss moments like this. Everything seems to be one big hectic mess nowadays. It makes me feel a little closer to him again.

We say we are going to spend more moments like this together. We have said this before but maybe this time it will really happen.

I get a little time to write. I had writers block for a while but now it’s all flowing again. I seem to have eight books going on. Planned out in there outlines and waiting to be told. I am just going to keep writing because its something i love. I don’t feel so alone.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week 10

Day 63 Sun 17th Apri – Was planning a longer run but Miss Peanut was out walking with Alex. As soon as she saw me, she didn’t want to let me go. So i couldn’t run past. So a short run today. Better than nothing.

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Day 64 Mon 18th Apri – Peanut started nursery today. I was nervous as hell. She seemed to like the first visit but would she like it once she started? Me and Alex took her there. The whole way we kept telling her how fun school was.

She seemed excited. When she saw the building she started shouting yay yay. So that was a good sign.

She didn’t even look to see we there. Then we sat for 30mins waiting for her to finish. The first week she is staying a growing degrees of time.

Apparently this will wet her appetite for nursery. She won’t we were told grow bored and will want to come back. Each day will lead to something new for her. It’s clever and crafty. And I think it will work.

30 mins later and she’s led back out to us. The kid has a huge grin on her face. She’s so happy. She doesn’t want to leave again.

I take her home. I am feeling full of hope. She needs this I can see that. Peanut is over excited and so so happy.

I have time to write when she naps. She’s exhausted. I feel lighter. I am feeling more determined to. I am going to start doing more things for me now.

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Day 65 Tue 19th Apri – 8am and the kids fully dressed at the door chomping at the bit to get to school! I have to keep repeating we don’t need to be there until 9. She makes me laugh with her enthusiasm.

I am enjoying the walk there each morning. It’s all green with lovely flowering trees. I feel like I’m out and part of the world again. I feel like I am connecting again.

Peanut stays longer this time. I have to stay the first week just in case she gets worried. It’s all part of the psychology. Hopefully by next week she will start the full 9 until 12 and I will be able to go home in-between.

She comes out with a drawing she did. The kid is all smiles again. She carries it all the way home. We get pizza slices from the shop as a snack.

It’s funny how changing something can make you feel better. Even the walk in the morning is lifting my spirits. Maybe it’s all the sunshine to.

Alex is sinking into watching his youtube videos at dinner time again. It’s annoying. He knows how I feel about it. Once in a while is fine, every night is not. I haven’t seen him all day and would like to talk.

After trying to ask him a question three times and him not realising because he’s glued to the video I give up.

I feel disappointed. It starts to get me a little down. I don’t like being ignored. It makes me feel like I am disappearing or that I am an unheard ghost.

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Day 66 Wed 20th Apri – So tired today. I think this first busy week is taking its toll. Peanut screams school school on the way there in the morning. It’s the first time she’s said it. There are other words she’s saying now to. Italian words.

The nursery is obviously doing her good and stimulating her talking. I am relieved.

She’s there for over an hour today. I sit reading a book I bought with me. Its nice to have a corner there to read in while I wait.

They take the kids out in the garden to play. Peanut doesn’t want to come home when its time. She wants to stay with her new friends. I have to bribe her with the promise of pizza.

It’s good she wants to go. I just hope it stays that way. Everyone there says she’s a lovely little girl and I have done well with her. That I should be proud.

I get more writing done today. I feel a little down. I am not sure why. Maybe it’s just the tiredness.

I am hoping it’s not the depression creeping back more. I know it’s still there. I am just choosing to ignore it and focus on the positive.

My story is going well. I have the outline and now just writing chapter by chapter. I am having fun with my characters.

I find a one day writing workshop in Rome! I sign up immediately. I have to do. I want to go. I love my writing and if ways appear to learn and improve it, I will grab it with both hands.

The workshop isn’t until May. I am smiling when I write it in my diary. It’s another thing to look forwards to. Another thing that is mine.

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Day 67 Thur 21st Apri – Even more tired today. The week seems to be going quickly but it’s leaving me so tired. Maybe it’s all the activity. My confirmation for the workshop arrives. I do a little happy dance. I can’t wait!

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Day 68 Fri  22nd Apri– I am told at the nursery to go and come back in an hour and half! I spend the time exploring the area which I don’t know completely. It’s a lovely day. The sun is warm and healing on my skin. It calms me.

Even the brightness of the sun is making me happy. I will have to dig out my sun glasses at some point.

I go look at a little market I am always fond of but never have a chance now to go and look at. I have fun rummaging through all the second hand clothes. I even find a little jacket which looks a little steampunk like and buy it.

Then I have a three mile walk. I power walk as I explore. My head is circling with ideas for my story. Every so often I stop to scribble in my note book.

The exercise is good for getting the imagination juices running. My mind flows to more descriptive words. There are also twists and turns being added to my stories plot. Things that I have not foreseen before now.

Peanut is happy when I collect her. She loves school. They have a male teacher who teaches the kids English. He comes up and translates for me. I love this. Love having someone to explain things to me properly in my own language.

It puts my mind at ease. He tells me he’s always around if I need him to translator.

He tells me their happy with Miss Peanut’s progress. They are trying to teach her the rules. She needs to learn to sit when told. Not to shove other kids or take their toys. I know this will take a while.

I go home feeling a lot happier.

I weave my new ideas into my storyline when it’s her naptime.

In the afternoon we play and watch cartoons. I feel a lot closer to her than I have been.

Alex comes home. I have assigned Fridays as our family even out time. He is a little grumpy. He just wants a pizza at home.

I am firm with the idea of our evening out. We go to a local place we know. Everyone had fun and we enjoy a meal of meat and vegetables. So much better than pizza. He admits he had fun. We are all happy even our little girl.

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Day 69 Sat 23rd Apri – Miss Peanut is at the front door once she’s dressed at 8am. She thinks she’s going to school. When she realises Alex is staying home, she’s all over him like a baby monkey.

I try and spend the morning doing some writing. You would think with another adult at home this would be easier right? It’s not. I am now looking after two human beings instead of one. Both are demanding.

Every five minutes I am being called to go look at something. Things I don’t really need to see. The kid wants Daddy. He is happy to have her but he soon gets tired.

I have two friends reading my first story. The first one had already given me feedback. The second one now messages me.

She’s the one who loves this genre. She’s hard core role player and fiction addict. I wait biting my nails to what she’s going to say. I know it doesn’t matter too much. Not everyone will like them. Yet still I find it important to have someone enjoy them.

She LOVES IT. She enjoyed the plot, my characters and ideas. And she wants to read my second book!

This brings up my confidence and my mood. Two people in the world like my novels. There will no doubt be more! It gives me a well needed smile.

We take Miss Peanut to the part and then a few shops. Home again she plays and watches cartoons.

There’s supposed to be a storm today. Its grey outside but the rain doesn’t come. I want to watch a movie together but there doesn’t seem to be time.

I can feel my mood slipping. I end up snapping at Alex. I don’t have patience anymore. I just want to go somewhere for five minutes of peace.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Four

Day 22 Sun 6th Mar – Tired this morning. I did a lot yesterday and am still recovering. We have a quiet morning. Lunch time we go for a walk and out to eat.

I am tired and strangely feeling down. I don’t know why. It’s just there hovering over me like a dark cloud. I have noticed that if I have a fantastic high day it always seems followed by a low the next day.

While we are out having lunch at a place we eat, I get lost in thought. I get sucked in to thinking about my writing.

I have two friends reading my first finished one. I want to know what they think. I have self-doubt. What if they think they are crap? What if they say I write badly? I have already warned them about my commas or lack of knowing where they go. I was dyslexic at school.

I struggled with spelling words for a long time. Through reading I managed to memorize what the words look like and how to spell them. I still have trouble sometimes when words don’t write how they sound. ‘Suggest’ was always a word I struggled with because it always sounded like it should have an ‘r’ in it somewhere.

Through my love of books and reading I managed to learn the correct way to spell it. I think this is why I struggle with learning to read Italian. I can’t sound the words.

I know my stories might not be for everyone. People like different type of books that’s natural. I know I will have to take criticism and I can and I will.

My fear is they won’t like my storyline.

I can feel my thoughts spiralling down. Alex notices and starts talking to me about my stories.

He knows all about them. He uses them as a way to get my talking and happy. I have talked to him about them none stop. He likes the ideas behind them.

Alex is the kind of man who tells you how it is. I know if they were crap he would tell me. He is insistent they are good.

We talk about publishing one. I want to. I really do, it’s a dream. The more I write about these characters the more they grow in substance. They are living and breathing in my imagination. They in a way are different aspects of me, I guess.

I want to bring their stories to others. I want to set them free in the world, into other people’s imaginations.

My emotions are up again. The rest of the day passes with me food shopping and unpacking and doing all the other Sunday’s bits and pieces.

At 6pm I go out and run 2.25 miles. It’s very slow. My legs still ache from the walking yesterday. I also still have back aching from doing the planks. It’s still a good run though.

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Day 23 Mon 7th Mar – It’s Monday. The beginning of the week always feels like its stretching out in front of me. It seems long and never ending.

Today Miss Peanut decides to be a model. She wants to put on different clothes every five minutes. It’s cute. She growing and I have been encouraging her to choose her own clothes and toys since she was born.

I am feeling positive again. I have been thinking a lot and writing down story ideas. It’s all good. The genre I am writing in is a popular one. There will be someone out there who likes my stories. If not then that’s fine. I am writing because I love to and that’s all that really matters in the end. My happiness to do so.

A friend online suggests a different type of plank that won’t hurt my back. I will give it ago when it finally stops hurting. At the moment I seem happy just to run.

The day seems to go quickly which is nice for once, usually they drag.

In the evening I go run 1.15 miles. It’s a good run I feel strong and I am happy. I even smile for my photo this time. I wish i didn’t have manic eyes in the photo lol

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Day 24 Tue 8th Mar – Alex’s friend who does my back comes over. He’s here to crack me into place and help my ache. He is a nice guy but seems shy.

I tend to have a habit of looking people exactly in the eyes when I talk to them. This seems to make some people shy. He is one of these people.

He cracks and twists me a few times. It strange both exhilarating and frightening. Feeling and hearing the cracking is strangely nice. It never hurts just sounds scary. I can feel the strength in his body. He’s a big guy.

I don’t mean fat, but muscular. It wouldn’t take much for him to snap me in half. It’s a funny little thrill for me placing myself in the hands of someone else with trust.

He’s always gentle with me even when the positions become a little uncomfortable.

He says he can feel I am running again. My muscles feel more fluid. This makes me happy. He says the running is the best thing for me.

I know this already. I am not going to stop. I enjoy it too much now.

Everyone leaves and it’s me and Peanut alone again. She’s obsessed with putting different Peppa pig dvd’s on every five minutes. It’s raining we aren’t going out.

Another face book friend messages me. She follows my blog and has been catching up. She says I was describing her feelings over a year ago. Like me she has suffered from depression since becoming a Mum.

She tells me she had read a lot of surveys and apparently peoples happiness decrease when they become parents. I can believe this is true.

Suddenly you aren’t free anymore. You’re responsible for a small person who can’t take care of themselves. It fills every waking hour and even when you sleep. You eat, breathe and sleep it.

It’s easy to lose your identity in being MUM.

Like me she doesn’t have family close. You feel trapped and without any help. It can be a struggle.

She tells me she made a list of how she was and how she wanted to be. It’s sent to me. I am curious and read it through.

A few points jarringly stick out. She mentions how depression affects those around us to.

It hits me then like a fucking lightning bolt to the head. My darkness, my depression is affecting Miss Peanut to.

It gets the cogs turning. Am I being a bad mother? Maybe I am. God knows I try to do stuff with her and sometimes it’s a struggle to get myself motivated.

This little person, my daughter is looking up at me as a role model. Am I failing her? I don’t know what to think. I know I do tend to over think things, more than ever now when being depressed.

I want to be happy and healthy for her. I want to be a fun Mum. Someone the kid wants to spend time with.

I run two miles. It’s a good run. I am getting faster slowly and feeling stronger.

The whole time I am thinking everything I have learned through. I need to do better. The kid needs me. I have to try harder to be what she needs.

No more wallowing in depression. I have to get over this pity party.

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Day 25 Wed 9th Mar – I endeavour to spend more time amusing Miss Peanut today. We break out the paints and paper. She hasn’t played with paint before. I have always stuck with crayons.

Yes I know it’s lazy. It’s just easier and I don’t have Alex freaking out that there’s paint everywhere. Even after 2 and half years he still struggles with the mess a child makes.

I am not sure he will ever be comfortable with it.

Miss Peanut loves it. I teach her how to wet the brush, put it in the colours then paint. She’s a fast learner. Soon she’s painting away like a pro.

It’s fun. We both enjoy it.

I am more attentive to her than usual. We play and sing songs. It leaves me feeling very positive. Maybe I don’t suck at being a mother after all.

By 3pm the day is dragging for both of us. It’s raining so we don’t go out. She brings me the phone and wants to phone Grandma.

We can’t get through because there something wrong with the line. She runs to the computer and gestures to skype. We can’t do that either. Grandma doesn’t know how to do it alone and Aunty Rachel is out.

Peanut cries. She sobs her little heart out. I feel awful. She is desperate for contact with others. I am obviously not enough. I can understand that to.

After some messaging, Aunty Rachel skypes us. She’s at her boyfriends. I haven’t met him but he seems like a lovely guy.

The kid is so happy and over excited! It makes her afternoon.

By the time Alex gets home at 7pm I just want to go run. It’s my time to breathe. Just me and outside with my music playing. I am really enjoying it and don’t want to stop.

By 7.28pm I finally get outside. I hate waiting for Alex to be ready to let me get out.

I have a lovely 1.50 mile run. I enjoy it so much.

I wanted to do more but Alex is going out to see friends tonight. I don’t have time. It’s already late and I have to cook dinner before he goes. I content myself with the short run. People in my building think i am a little crazy. Guess there not far out on that. I end up smirking as i take my photo as the woman who lives next door to us is talking to me.

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Day 26 Thur 10th Mar – Tired this morning. Peanut woke me up about a million times last night. I am quiet and subdued. Alex doesn’t seem to grasp this.

He is annoying. I don’t feel like doing much today. All I want to do is go back to bed or curl up and read quietly. Neither happens.

I play with Peanut. Eventually she leaves me to play alone. She tugs out all her toys. There strewn across the sitting room floor. I can barely see the ground beneath. I am too tired to put them away. She will just pull them back out again anyway. So it will be done just before Alex gets home.

I have writers block in the morning. By her nap time I have some ideas to write down.

Afternoon and I am feeling happier. I am designing a Steampunk costume. I want to wear it at the next festival here in Rome in sept. I have the dress, goggles, gloves and hat.

The other bits I need I will search for in the UK. Just 9 days now until our trip and I can’t wait. I am going home. This knowledge makes me happy.

We talk to Grandma and Aunty Rachel for a while on skype. This makes the kid happy. I can’t wait for her to see them. She gets sad every time we end the skype conversations.

I have decided to do more things to make myself happy and please myself. I don’t think this is being selfish. I am just meeting needs and wants I have.

Things like my exercises. I also want to get a new tattoo at some point. Do things that are important to me whenever I have spare time. If I find spare time.

My run tonight is 2.25 miles. It’s raining a little and there’s a biting cold. Not many people have ventured out. I am only one of four runners to brave the weather.

I have to go slow because the ground is slippery. Never the less I get my run done. I am happy with the results. My running is giving me an inner peace. I need the calm it brings now, the time to think.

I chat on Facebook to a mum expat friend. It makes me smile and I go to bed happy.

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Day 27 Fri 11th Mar – Today i spend more time playing with Peanut. More painting. She loves it a lot. We sing to her favorite sings. I talk to her as i always do chatting away. She talks back in baby chat. Somethings sound like words but there not clear. She watches me as i say the correct name to things but she likes to call everything ‘apple’ or ‘ Peppa’ her to favorite words.

1 mile and half tonight.

There are too many dog walkers. Don’t get me wrong I love dogs. It’s there owners I hate here.

They stand all spread out on the path chatting in a group. There dogs are either free to roam or on the leads as far as they can go. You can’t get past. They are everywhere and in the way.

It’s so rude and they don’t seem to care. I end up growling under my breath a million times at them. I hate their rudeness.

The run goes well and I am happy with it.

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Day 28 Sat 12th Mar – We are going to Miss Peanut’s favourite place today. The little Mall. It’s the last weekend before me and the Kid go to the UK for 3 weeks. I can’t wait! It’s my high point that’s keeping me focused at the moment.

Today I notice changes in my body. I have lost weight on my hips and tummy. My face looks a little thinner to. They aren’t chances other people would really see I don’t think. Not unless I was naked.

As I live in this body, under this skin, it’s easier for me to see them. I am happy my getting fit and stronger is working. I like the changes in my body. I want to get back down to a size 10.

I have only been that size once. It was when I got married and before Peanut was born. I felt comfortable that size and happy in myself. I want that again.

I am toying with 30 day progress pics, but we will see. I think seeing the difference and having them as a reminder will help if my motivation lags at any time.

We all have fun at the Mall. Peanut plays with other kids and runs around with the biggest smile on her face. I am glad it’s made her happy.

I’m getting more excited about our trip and can’t wait to start packing even though it’s still a week away.

My run today is just 1 mile. It’s a good run I do it fast and feel happy after.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Three

Day 15 Sun 28th Feb – After my emotional storm yesterday I feel calmer today. It’s like the out pouring needed a release. Like drawing poison from a festering wound. I slept well. It had been both emotionally and physically draining.

Alex is being attentive. He barely touches his online game which is his usual haunt. I barely write to. We spend the day as a family, rather than individuals fight for our own space.

We do have family time normally, but today it’s much more. We talk, we listen.

We are all a little happier. Even Miss Peanut is practically bouncing of the walls. She’s talking away in toddler gibberish none stop. She even starts to say more words.

I feel a little light, like the depression had receded slightly. Maybe my melt down has done me some good.

In the afternoon, Alex googles groups and classes held in the evenings. There are quite a few to choose from yoga and other activities.

He tells me to have a look and choose one. I browse a little but decide to look more tomorrow. I am enjoying family time.

We skype the Grandparents and talk for more than an hour. Everyone is happy.

Tonight is a 2 minute plank. I hold it perfectly but feel it afterwards. It’s the only exercise marked for the day.

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Day 16 Mon 29th Feb – I can’t settle today. I feel restless but I don’t know why. I keep moving around like an animal pacing its cage.

Miss Peanut and I play. She’s very into colouring and stickers. We run around like crazy things and dance.

I can’t settle into my writing. I don’t know why. The words are there to be written, my characters are waiting but I can’t sit still.

I have a spark of hope inside me. Maybe I am hoping after Saturday things are about to change. Like standing on a high precipice waiting to take that next step into the unknown.

Will I soar or am I going to plummet again? Only time will tell.

I get two messages from expat friends. They live in other parts of Italy. They have read my blog and hope I am ok.

One offers to listen if I want to rant. She says anytime just to message her and that she knows how I feel.

This makes me cry. I physically flinch at the emotional pain the words give me. It sends a jab of pain to my chest. She is being nice, but part of me wants to hide away.

I don’t know why it makes me hurt.

Maybe because I can’t imagine anyone else feeling the way I have, that they have been crippled emotionally this way to. But they have and are. I know I am just a statistic in a sea of others.

I know that’s just the broken part inside me reacting. I do need others to talk to. God knows it’s been a long time since I have had other to rant to freely. It is nice to know I am not alone and people care and worry about me even if they are not here in Rome.

As she puts it writing it all in this blog is like shouting into the wind. She’s right. I know this.

I can’t run tonight. It’s pouring down heavy sheets of rain. Thunder is booming overhead and lightening streaks across the sky.

I am a little disappointed. Instead I do a 2 minute plank and 27 push ups.

I chat with another expat Mum I know before going to bed on Facebook chat. It’s nice. I go to bed happy.

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Day 17 Tue 1st Mar – Alex is off again today. I have an appointment at the Gyno. It’s just yearly check-ups I have skipped for the last two years. I know they shouldn’t be skipped but they somehow escaped through the cracks of being a busy Mum.

It all goes well. I am healthy and everything is fine. Miss Peanut has fun for the hour and half we are there.

The doctors give her pens and paper to draw on. In the end she spends time running up and down the corridors. Her squeals of delight as Alex chases her makes everyone smile.

When we get out we go for a walk.

I am still feeling positive. It’s like a switch has been flipped in my head. Maybe I did reach rock bottom and now there’s nowhere else to go?

The day is so busy I don’t have much time to think. I like days like this.

My back had been aching all day. I think I have over done it with the planking. I decide to skip the planking and push ups. Instead I go for a 2 mile run.

It’s a very good run. I enjoy it a lot.

Once the kid is asleep I spend 40 minutes writing.

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Day 18 Wed 2nd Mar – I still feel quite mellow. Hopeful.

My back still aches and I have stopped planking and push ups for now. I think the extended planking is the issue. So I might go back to the 1 minute holds when my back feels better.

I really don’t want to hurt myself badly or permanently. I know to listen to my body. It doesn’t mean though I can’t do other things.

I play with Miss Peanut, she’s happy. The kid is obsessed with drawing. She tries to colour our black cat blue. When this doesn’t work she colours the floor.

With a sigh I tell her no. Her little ‘oh no’ is adorable. She spends the next 10 minutes trying to help me get the crayon off the floor.

We play music, she dances I watch.

I am still not sure what to do for exercises today. Do I start something else?

I write some more. It’s stopping and starting today as the kid wants to play all the time.

In the end I go for a two mile run in the evening. I am surprised my legs don’t feel tired. The run feels so good.

I am getting stronger I can feel it in my body and my muscles. It’s a good feeling. It’s something I need.

When I get in Alex makes dinner. It’s nice. He’s started making breakfast in the morning to. It’s some weight off my shoulders.

Then I get Peanut to sleep even though it’s his turn. I don’t mind. I and happy to do it tonight. She’s exhausted after our long day of playing and falls asleep quickly.

I sit and do some more writing. I find photos I like for ideas for characters. Pictures that give me a little inspiration and fuel creativity.

I have a bit of negative thinking the more I get tired, just that little whisper of depressing thoughts. An insidious little trickle of darkness. I decide not to listen to them. I am exhausted.

Whatever they make me feel isn’t good and I probably won’t feel the same way tomorrow. I don’t want to be negative anymore. I want to stay positive for as long as I possibly can. Maybe the little spark will eventually turn into a full blaze if I hold on tight.

I shake it off and go to bed instead.

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Day 19 Thur 3rd Mar – I wake up not sure what day it is. Strangely I thought yesterday was today.

An expat Mummy friend I know on Facebook suggested Pinterest for pics I might like. I have one and forgot all about it. Now I am addicted.

It’s addicting searching through photos for ideas. There is a never ending flow. It makes me smile and my imagination is running wild. I suddenly have a million ideas I need to scribble down. They pour out of me as notes into my writing idea books.

The day is a good one. I do have some swirling thoughts downwards a few times. Somehow I manage to pull myself up again though.

Two more weeks and we will be winging our way to the UK to see family. I am clinging to that again. It’s a positive thing. I am going to look at yoga classes when I get back from there for something to do once a week.

I end up going for a 1 and half mile run. It’s good and I enjoy it. My legs feel stronger. I feel stronger in my body and hopefully it help me feel stronger in my mind to.

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Day 20 Fri 4th Mar – Me and Miss Peanut go to the bookshop this morning. It’s her favourite place. Mine to.

I buy here some play dough called Dido. Another expat mum I talk to one Facebook said it was fun for her little girl so I decide to give it a try with the kid.

I buy a funny mug. It says: I don’t like morning people. Or mornings or people.

I guess it’s true in a way.

When we get back she wants to nap. That’s fine by me. I do some writing.

By the afternoon I am on a downward spiral. I am tired and can’t stop feeling negatively. I want to cry. I don’t know why I just feel down and dark.

Not even my writing can cheer me up. I keep trying to shake it off but it clings to me like an unwanted cloak.

I am starting to recognise the symptoms. I need to break free of this shit.

There’s one particular little demon of doubt, whispering to me that my writing isn’t any good. Self-doubt everyone has it. I can feel it niggling at me.

It’s down to us whether we listen to it or not. Today it’s getting to me. I hate it.

When Alex gets home I go out and run 2 miles. It helps and makes me feel happier.

I have to stop doubting myself.

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Day 21 Sat 5th Mar – We have a lovely morning. There’s a second hand baby shop and we take some of Peanut’s old toys there. The woman will try to sell them for us and take half the price.

Its fair and at least they are reused. It makes me happy as a lot of it is nice stuff. We go to the park, bookshop and have a lovely walk. It’s a nice morning.

When I get home I find a message from my friend Jenny. I thought we were supposed to meet up tomorrow, but apparently it was today. Her and her son are almost at the meeting place. We don’t meet up often but its a nice break away for me.

I feel like a fool for not realising. Panicked I get ready to go. Alex is happy to stay with Peanut while I go out. Part of me would rather stay at home. But I need ME time. I need time with other adults. I need time twitched off from being Mummy 24/7. It’s already fizzling me out.

I get the bus and the metro. Luckily they are late to and don’t wait long for me. We go to MacDonald’s. We chat.

It’s good for both of us. We both have a lot to say, to moan about, to give advice.

It’s just what I need. I start to smile, really smile not the pretend smile I always wear with my sad eyes.

Afterwards we go looking in shops. The make-up shops are fun first. Then we move onto clothes shops. We get ice-cream for her son and have fun just being crazy, telling jokes and being silly.

I have missed this so much. I start to feel like the old me. She is inside me I discover. She just needs a little carefree moment to come out.

I show them the Goth shops I know. We go crazy looking at the clothes and bags and all the other cools bits. I buy the most amazing gloves.

They are black with buckles running up them. They go from my hands up to my elbows. I am instantly in love. So I go ahead and buy them. Why now? Life is too short to not wear what you want.

I also find a Steampunk bag. These shops are amazing and my smile is beaming when we leave.

By the time I get home, I am exhausted and happy. It’s mentally draining, I find that more and more lately, but it was still fun.

I walked 5 miles in total that day but only put 3 down on my Instagram photo. No running tonight as my legs are aching in a good way. I still feel happy by the time its bed time.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week 2

Day 8 Sun 21st Feb – Weekends are never calm and tranquil. They are generally a huge annoying mess. Sunday is no acception. I wake up with a million things to do just in the first few hours. Getting Miss Peanut up, nappy changed, getting her dressed. Then I feed the cat, before starting breakfast for everyone. Once that’s done I sit feeding her while eating my own.

The Italian sits playing her music so she can dance while I do all this. Sometimes he does make breakfast when I mention it. What I mean by that is when I nag. Yes I nag. I have evolved into a nagger. God forbidden that I turn into my mother. I know it’s happening. He’s mentioned it a few times. Maybe it’s inevitable.

I do have bursts of anger through my depression mainly directed at him as he’s the only other adult I have contact with every day. Part of me knows this isn’t fair. You’re not always rational though when depressed.

I have become a pro at sarcastic responses. I have a reply for almost anything.

Not that he is always listening.

We have turned into a culture, that doesn’t really listen to what people say. I mean really listen. The kind of way you see and hear the emotions behind the words spoken. There true meaning and why they are being said, the pain, the anger or even the affection and love.

People just answer with the expected response.

A response, which is sometimes just empty words. There spoken just to reply.

This I think is how we lose our connection with others, when they give up truly listening.

Next on my list is doing the food shopping alone. It’s a small escape away. Then it’s back to unpack it all.

I get a 1 minute plank done straight after. It’s hard as I wear my shoes. I prefer doing it barefoot. I love the feel of the ground under my feet. Then it’s on to 21 push ups.

In the afternoon we go and watch Deadpool while the kid is at the babysitter. It feels like old times. I feel happy for a few hours. It’s nice. I miss the old times.

I miss the old us. We aren’t them anymore. We have both changed becoming parents. I am not even sure they existed anymore. I sure as hell don’t feel the same.

When we get back I go straight to the bathroom and do 60 chair dips. There hard and I have to stop every 15 dips rest a minute before I do the next lot. I am sore by the end.

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Day 9 Mon 22nd Feb – Today was a good day. Miss Peanut discovers the hand puppets at the bottom of one of her toy boxes. Its hours of fun with and without me. I managed to get some writing done, which is nice. She’s happy. I am happy it’s a win win situation.

It was salad for lunch. So far in the week I seem to be sticking with them. I am surprised. Maybe it will take a while before I get sick of them. There will come that point I know. Other things will tempt me. Things I shouldn’t have but I probably will.

Chair dips and push ups are on a rest day. So it’s just a run and planking to do. I don’t feel bad or guilty about this. I need the rest days. I decided to leave the plank until after my run.

Alex gets in just after 7pm. I can’t go straight out as he needs the bathroom so I have to watch Miss Peanut. This can be a fail point for me, because he’s in there for ages and time starts ticking on. I don’t want to be out in the dark for ages. It’s already late and I need to feed myself and Peanut. No one else is going to do it.

I want to just go straight out when he gets back. It’s what I need. Eventually he emerges. I have half convinced myself not to go. Instead I mumbled bye and get my arse to the park.

I am already exhausted. The bags under my eyes are still pronounced. I end up running slowly eyes half closed, trying not to stumble.

I manage to run 1.75 miles with only stopping once. As usual it’s to do up my flipping shoe lace.

The plank is for 1 whole minute. Somehow I get it done with not much effort. This has to mean there working right?

Sad news from face book when I get back inside. One of the expats I like who lives in Milan is leaving Italy. She’s had enough and heading back to the UK.

We’ve met up a few times and I like her a lot. My heart feels heavy. In the back of my mind I secretly wish I could leave to. Yes I live here but it’s not really home. I doubt it really ever will be. After over eight years it’s not. So why would that ever change?

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Day 10 Tue 23rd Feb – I am tired and grumpy. I spend the morning waiting for the kid to have a nap. She’s hyper today and driving me nuts. Its changing dvd’s every 5 mins because she wants something different. Then we play and play and she’s still not happy. I let her colour. It keeps her busy for 5 mins. Then we look at books. It’s never ending. I just want five minutes to myself. I don’t think that’s much to ask for.

We are going to the UK to visit family in less than four weeks. It feels so far away. I know once I am there I will gulp in freedom. I will be able to be me. Whoever that is now.

Three weeks there. Grandma loves to help with nappies, feeding, playing. It’s the help I need. The time I need.

I just hope the time up to it won’t drag. I feel down. It settles over me like a thin dark shroud.

I find myself snacking on crisps. I don’t even notice it until I realise I am shovelling them into my mouth. It’s not worth it. Comfort eating doesn’t get me anywhere but fat. I don’t want to use it as a crutch anymore so I stop eating them.

Nap time comes and I hold a perfect 1 minute plank. Then I do 24 push ups.

I do a little writing and researching. I am in a better mood when she wakes up. We phone Grandma for a chat. The kid likes to babble to her on the phone. Grandma sings to her.

It bath time for Miss Peanut. She has fun and we play with her ducks with me sitting beside the bath.

I was going to do 60 chair dips when Alex got home. In the end I don’t have a chance. There is not enough time between cooking dinner and getting the kid ready for bed. I still hate them anyway, so I end up skipping them. Bad I know. Ten days in and I can’t start skipping workouts. Tomorrow I will do better.

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Day 11 Wed 24th Feb – My new kindle was arriving today. I am happy. That is up until the point it comes. I discover Alex has made the internet password illegible. I try typing it a million times yet it is always incorrect. I can’t sort my kindle out now until he gets home at 7pm.

Annoyance is not the words I feel. I am angry he just can’t write it clearly.

I wallow for about an hour in depression then shake it off. I leave the kindle charging and get on with other stuff to distract myself. It helps.

When Miss Peanut is napping I do a 1 minute and half plank. Then I do 26 push ups. I am already seeing slow changes in my body. I hope I can keep it up.

By the time the kid wakes up I have a dull head ache throbbing through my skull. It shoots pain behind my right eye. It seems to have settled in for a long haul. I need to drink more water to get rid of it. I also suspected its lingering anger over the internet password. I just can’t let it go.

It’s starting to feel like ground hog day. Miss Peanut drags out all the toys from every toy box. There strewn all over the floor. I pick them up every five minutes, but they always come back. This has happened for three days straight. It’s felt like one long continuous day since Monday. They all slid together until I don’t know what day it is anymore.

My headache is getting worse. I still have chair dips to do and a run tonight. I give in and take a painkiller.

The headache is gone by the time Alex gets home. I go for my run. I feel FREE. It’s just for the too brief moments of running but I still feel it. It’s a good run and I really enjoy it. I even have a smile for my photo.

The chair dips I abandon. I hate them. Maybe in a few months I will do them again but I don’t think doing something I enjoy is good motivation.

I discover when i get in that i have been typing the wrong code into the kindle. I feel stupid. Yet happy it now works.

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Day 12 Thur 25th Feb – I take Miss Peanut out this morning. We go to the park. It’s a nice morning feeling spring like. We meet another mum with a little boy of 2. Peanut goes wild. She’s so happy to have a little playmate. First she pushes him over then she’s kissing him.

I start a conversation with the Mum in my broken Italian. She quickly picks up I’m English and starts talking to me in English. This makes life easier for me. She seems nice. I try to feel hopefully I have made a mum friend in the park. From experience through this doesn’t always work out. They stop going or their kids go to playgroup. Then i never see them again.

Her little boy is talking and he’s 6 months younger than my girl. She’s towering over him like an amazon. She’s already as big as a three year old. She is going to be tall.

The boy can talk. She even tells me that she knows it takes bilingual kids longer to talk. This still doesn’t make me feel better. I want Peanut to talk.

At the moment its random words like dog, blue, aqua, water. She also says ‘oh no’ ‘oh god’ ‘all gone’.

I talk to Peanut constantly. I show her what things are telling her the names and show her books as well of colours and words.

I know all children are different. They all take different times to learn but this brings me down. I want to run away and go home with Peanut. Hide away. I feel like a failure.

Instead I make myself stay. She’s happy and playing running around laughing. I get someone else to talk to. I try not to feel bad about something that is not under my control.

In the end I have to tear her away as its time to go back. She cries. I know its part tiredness and part happy to play with other kids. I feel like I am being mean, but we have shopping to get.

I don’t feel hungry today and end up just picking at stuff all day.

When the kid is napping I do 26 push ups and 1 minute plank.

The plank wasn’t supposed to be done but I feel like I need it. It’s like a drug now. Seeing how long I can hold it before I start shaking and it starts to feel uncomfortable.

In the afternoon I have a panic attack. It comes out of nowhere. Miss Peanut won’t give me five minutes piece. She’s crawling all over me. I can’t breathe literally.

I try to suck in oxygen but it’s like it’s just not there. My lungs fill with nothing. I am drowning again.

With the kid hugging me tight it soon passes. I curl up on the sofa with her and watch cartoons. I feel unsettled. I hope I don’t have another one.

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Day 13 Fri 26th – Alex wakes us up at 7am. It’s the same everyone morning in the weekday. Me and Peanut don’t really have to get up but he gets us up anyway. When we aren’t moving by 7.30 he’s back to tell us to get up.

He says he doesn’t know why I am so tired. He knows I get up twice in the night to give the kid milk. I am so f@*king tired. Sometimes I wish we could trade places just so he knows what it’s like.

I’m so tired I feel like crying.

Almost less than 3 weeks until we go to the UK. I know I will get to sleep in there along with many other things. It’s the only thing I’m clinging to now. Something to look forwards to.

I break down on the bed and cry. Alex is worried about me. I am an emotional messy today. He tells me he knows how hard it is. I tell him I don’t know who I am any more.

He says I am still me, that I am just buried under everything. I am not sure if I believe him or not. He takes the day off. He’s worried about me and wants to lift some weight of my shoulders.

It’s nice.

We all go out and get some needed stuff done. Peanut likes having Daddy home. It’s someone else to play with. I feel more relaxed. The tension leaves me and I actually feel sort of happy.

I end up running at 5.40pm. It’s still light outside. I haven’t run in the light for a long time. It feels weird. The running is 1.75 miles. It’s a good run. I enjoy it.

The only down side is several flies committing kamikaze in my eyeball and the flow of more people. I think I prefer running in the dark. At least then I am along with my thoughts.

I get in and do a 1 and half minute plank. Straight after I do 28 push ups. I feel it all afterwards. I ache.

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Day 14 Feb 27th – It’s Saturday. I want to lie in bed for ten minutes but I am already being told to get up. It’s raining today. A big storm with high winds is expected. It doesn’t appear.

I am writing again. I have ideas flowing out of my head. It’s fun and I am transported to another city. Sometimes I find it hard getting my characters to interact. I have to imagine their emotions and that’s not always easy. It’s harder on bad days when I feel down. Today I feel ok.

Food shopping is done and I unpack. I keep wondering when I should do my exercises. Alex has been looking after Miss Peanut while I shop.

He says he’s exhausted and needs a break. His words snap something inside me.

I go into the bathroom and close the door. The tears come. I crawl into a corner and quietly sob. All my loneliness, depression, pain, confusion, anger, it all comes crashing out. Those dark feelings are finally free in my head. There much louder now.

I can’t stop. Tears are continuously rolling down my face. I cry quietly. All the while I can hear the Kid and Alex playing.

I want to stop just for half an hour and not have any responsibility. I want the lazy weekends back. I want to be the old me. I want to stop all the emotions, which are now pouring out of me. But they don’t.

I am drowning again and I am hiding in the bathroom.

I curl into a ball in my corner. I am there for a whole 30 minutes. I cry the whole time until my eyes are aching and the numbness is creeping in. It’s a good kind of numb because I can’t feel anything. I want it.

I start to wonder if they would be better off without me. That if I died today it would all be over. I know these are just dark depressed thought. I am too much of a coward to hurt or end myself. I cling to life like everyone else.

There just passing murky thoughts. In the end I want one simple thing my Mum.

I think we all do in the end, when we are hurting and confused. She’s not here though she’s far away in the UK.

Alex comes and finds me. He wants to understand what’s going on. He thinks it’s something he’s done. This just makes me cry all the harder. I can’t stop. All my tears should be shed by now but they just keep coming. My eyes are all puffy and ache even more.

He asks me how do we fix this?

I start to laugh. It’s a crazy manic laugh and I can’t stop. It keeps escaping and I am hysterical. I have to grab onto the washing machine i am laughing so hard. It’s manic, hopeless, right from the deepest depths. It goes on and on continuing  to leak out.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I am having a nervous breakdown. From the look on Alex’s face he thinks so to. I don’t understand what’s happening to me.

I gasp for breath between the crying and the laughing. All the while Alex sits watching me with a worried look on his face. I can hear his voice. The murmur of soothing words.

Slowly the laughing stops but the tears still leak from the corners of my eyes.

Eventually he coaxes me out of the bathroom. We end up talking a lot. He doesn’t want me to be lonely anymore. He wants to see me happy. He hugs me, pets my hair and tells me he loves me.

I just feel completely numb after my jagged emotional purge. I feel empty.

He says maybe I should see a therapist. I am not sure this would help. Telling a stranger how I feel, would that really do anything for me? Is this person going to magically make me feel better and fix me? Am I broken inside? Am I crazy? Is this all normal?

Other suggestions come. Maybe I should find a once a week evening group to join. English groups like this in Rome are few and far between. It might work and only trying will see.

After the kid goes to bed, we talk some more. It helps. He wants to reconnect and so do I.

The numbness is still there though. I want to feel better I really do. How I get there though I really don’t know. I have been like this for so long that i know longer remember how i used to be.

He tells me to do my exercises. I do a 1.30 minute plank and 28 push ups.

They do make me feel better. I enjoy the exercises. They are a bit of control I have over my life. When I go to bed I sleep like a log.

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This week has been very up and down. I really don’t know if that was a nervous breakdown or not. Maybe it was just pain and depression that needed a way out.

I still think the exercise is helping though. I also felt better since breaking down. Maybe its helped to.

365 Days of Fitness – Week one

I am not going to cheat.

Whatever I write on here is what I have done and how I felt.

The only person I would be cheating and lying to is myself. This is my journey and it only affects me.

I sat for a while on the first day figuring out what to do. I tend to work better if I have a written plan, so that’s what I decided to do. It really does help seeing it scribbled in my diary, especially on bad days.

Remembering all the 30 days challenges I did quite a while ago, I went back to them. I have picked planking, chair dips and press-ups for my first 30 days.

These I decided would get me started. They start off easy then build up. I have also restarted the 5km training plan which is three days of running. If I want to run more than I will but I am not putting pressure on it. I think that is the key.

So these sound good. I might mix them up with a workout, if the kid lets me have time. But that depends on her mood and if she decides if Mummy can have time during the day without interruption.

I am posting cheesy photos once a day for Instagram and will use them on here. Hopefully I might actually start smiling in some of them.

Day 1 Sun Feb 14th – My birthday and the day this journey begins.

I am excited and wanted to do everything. Just go out and run as long as I can, then do a million workouts. I know this is because I am excited and determined right now. But I know doing too much at once will just be silly. I don’t want to injure myself.

So I complete the first day of my 30 day challenges. Planking for 20 seconds, 15 press ups and 30 chair dips.

That might not sound like much but I felt them afterwards. Alex surprises me by planking with me. This Italian does not like exercise. So for him to do this is a small miracle. It was his choice and I am happy he is willing to do it.

He is also going to try and keep to this one. It’s good because he tells me to keep my butt down which helps.

I put a photo on Instagram. It’s another way to mark my progress and I think it will help.

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Day 2 Mon 15th Feb – We decided to do the planking in the morning before Alex goes to work. We both are excited to do it even though he complained of aches and pains this morning.

20 secs of planking and even he is feeling it to.

During the day I completed 35 chair dips and 16 push ups. Everything clicks when I do them. I mean physically clicks, it’s a little annoying but I guess it’s a sign I’m getting older.

After eleven hours of playing with Miss Peanut and also watching cartoons on and off, I am mentally drained. Facing going out and running makes me want to cry. I would rather go crawl into the bathroom and hide when the time comes. But I can’t do that.

My three day running plan starts today. The vultures of self-doubt are already circling. I have been thinking too much during the day letting the darkness drag me down.

I can’t help it. I am alone apart from the kid so the depression makes itself at home in my head. It’s been comfortable there for so long now.

The hardest part is getting my ass out the door. On auto pilot I get dressed in my running clothes. I still don’t want to go and putting them on doesn’t make me feel better. I want to wallow in self-pity. Instead when Alex gets home I go straight out to the park.

I don’t think. I just go with my music already on. It’s the only way to make myself go.

I ran a mile without stopping. It was slow and a 13 minute mile but I don’t care. The main thing was after a month and half of not running I did not stop. I had really expected to stop and start, walk, even wheeze a bit. I didn’t though. I felt fine. This did surprise me.

I only stopped after a mile to do up my shoelace then I completed another half a mile. I was buzzing with a flood of endorphins enjoying that tiny spark of positivity which I know won’t last long.

Its motivation I need.

I know this is because it’s the start and I know that might eventually fade. But when it does I will re-read all of this and see how well I have done up to that point.

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Day 3 Tue 16th Feb – A twitter friend has recommended a book for me to read. So I went ahead and downloaded it.

Reasons to Stay Alive’ by Matt Haig. I read the first two pages and I cannot put it down. This guy is describing pretty much exactly how I feel and what is going on in my head. I know I won’t get to read it all in one go. It will have to be in dribs and drabs, but I think it might help.

30 seconds of planking this morning. I am feeling quite strong. Alex huffed and puffed but got it done.

It’s raining today so we are staying inside. Alone with the kid again and I am over thinking stuff and not in a good way.

We had a rough night, she woke up from a nightmare and I spent 30 mins comforting her. After that I lay awake for 2 hours unable to sleep. My brain just would not shut off again.

I feel so tired today. I keep wondering if I am ever going to lose the black bags under my eyes or are they now a permanent fixture.

My arms are aching from the exercises so far. I don’t want to do the ones today. I can’t wimp out now. In the end I force myself. Its only 17 push ups and 40 chair dips.

I feel crappy that a big part of me already wants to give up. That so much of me would let the depression win. I end up having a long cry about it.

Two expat friends John and Alison surprise me with a visit in the afternoon. I have to make the effort to get dressed and tidy up. It makes me have a 1 mile walk with Miss Peanut to the metro to meet them. Luckily it’s stopped raining and it’s time to clear my head in the fresh air.

I love their visit. They live four or five hours from Rome so I don’t see them often. Ali tells me she knows I have been depressed for the last two years. I wish they lived closer. As she points out I am lonely to.

We chat about everything and nothing. They know about my blog post and we talk about that. I look at the floor when I talk. I feel ashamed and can’t look them in the eye.

It helps. They are both understanding and know I have been going through stuff for quite a few years now. When they leave I am mentally drained. You don’t realise the effects of just talking until you haven’t done it for a long time. I feel exhausted but in a good day.

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Day 4 Wed 17th Feb – We went to get the application form for Miss Peanut to start Materna (school) for September when she turns three.

I am almost giddy with a little sense of excitement over this. It means half a day of freedom to breathe and be me.

The only problem is they have limited space and she might not get in.

Alex has suggested we go private if she doesn’t, which means we pay. At this point he knows we have to do it to save my sanity. The excitement soon wears off. At the end of the day nothing is certain and I don’t want to get my hopes up over something that might not happen.

I am still tired even more so. The kind, that can leave you muddle and lets the wrong confused words spill out of your mouth.

She woke up at 5am this morning. It took me an hour to get her to sleep again. Then we were up at 7am. She always wakes once or twice a night for milk still. I seem to have lived on 5 or 6 hours, even less sometimes for almost 2 and half years. It makes me wonder what sleeping the night through would be like again.

I did walk 1 mile and half and that counts as exercise.

Alex is skipping the plank today. His back is hurt and he doesn’t feel up to it. I don’t mind but I still get my 30 sec plank done.

There’s no chair dips today as it’s a rest day on the workout. I still manage 18 push ups.

Today has been a good day. There’s not been much time for me to over think thing and sink into the dark fog hanging over me. Not thinking helps. I am so tired by 7pm, but I still go out for my run.

It’s a mile and half again. Tonight I just want to get it done. Then get back to cook dinner. I hope Miss Peanut will just sleep more tonight.

I am so tired that I end up walk running. Even like this I still get it done.

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Day 5 Thur 18th Feb – Alex doesn’t plank today. I am procrastinating about doing it. I still haven’t done any of the exercises by 3pm. I know I am going to have to at some point.

I am trying to be good food wise. Recently I have been eating crap. Eating myself into sweet oblivion might have looked good at the time, but ultimately it’s not.

So I am going to be as healthy as I can when eating. Treats occasionally are fine. I am not a saint when it comes to food though. It’s been my comfort blanket for so long now.

So far it is going well. I am not sure how long eating salads though for lunch will last.

It’s been a good day so far. I am in a good mood. I have chatted with a few people on Facebook and played a lot with Miss Peanut.

People I know in the UK are all excited about going to see a movie. Deadpool. I really want to see this one to. Having a google to my local cinema which plays a few movies in original language I discover it’s on. The version in Italian is played all day for a week. The English version is only played today and tomorrow once at 10.22pm.

The bottom of my good mood falls out right there. I can’t even go and see a film I want to see anymore. That’s way too late for me, it won’t be finished til midnight. I have a child to put to bed and give milk to in the night, how can I go that late?

I can’t even use it as an escape. Maybe this is a silly thing, but when you can’t do normal things it becomes big to you.

I just want to go lay on the sofa now and cry. Pathetic I guess, but I feel trapped again. Stuck somewhere I can’t be me and be normal.

Eventually I make myself do a 40 second plank. Then 19 push ups and 45 chair dips.

After that I discover the film is also being shown on the weekend at 1pm both days. That’s it though for day showings. It still sucks, but it’s better than nothing and I can hopefully get to see it.

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Day 6 Fri 19th Feb – There’s only a run marked on my diary today. Everything else is marked as a rest day. I am both relieved and disappointed. A strange combination I know. I bounce between them all morning.

The running is tonight but Alex is working late. In the end I swap the workout for today and tomorrow. This mean the run gets moved. I don’t mind.

I do the 45 second plank while Miss Peanut is napping. I did 20 push up when she was awake. My mistake. She decided it was fun to sit on Mummy’s back while I did them.

The child is 13 kgs. I made it to two before I couldn’t move. In the end I had to keep telling her to bring me different toys, just so she would leave me alone to get it done. I survived.

I procrastinate with the chair dips, but eventually get 50 done.

Today I throw myself into my writing. It helps as I lose myself in my characters and storylines. It’s not always easy to do, especially with a toddler on the loose.

Normally I just write during Miss Peanut’s nap times and when she’s gone to bed. It’s my therapy through words. My little bit of freedom to express myself. I stick on her favourite cartoons and manage to get 20 mins to myself. These moments are precious to me. I love her to bits, but need my space to.

My stories are flowing. I’m falling in love with my characters a little more each time. One day hopefully I might share them with the world.

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Day 7 Sat 20th Feb – Weekends are the worst for me to exercise. Alex is home and I tend to get extremely lazy. We end up going to the little mall we like. I eat to much as I always do on weekend. I planned to have no dinner, but Alex announces we are having pizza tonight. He doesn’t seem to understand when I say I don’t want dinner I’m fine. I guess that comes from living with an Italian.

I sneak into the bedroom in the afternoon to get my 45 sec plank done.

Then I do 21 push ups to. Miss Peanut is at the door. Her little face pressed up against the frosted glass. I do these quickly. You can’t really take it slow with a toddler stalking you. She knows I’m in her. There is no escape.

The 50 chair dips I get grudgingly done. They are done in the bathroom, while Peanut is distracted with cartoons. I hate these, but I know their good for me.

I have to invent new ways to keep the kid distracted. It’s not always easy.

My kindle then decides to inexplicably die. Dead as a door nail. It’s been my faithful companion for over a year and half. I google on it, read books, use face book, twitter. It feels like I have lost an extension of myself. It’s abandoned me.

Why me? That’s what I ask myself. Why do these things happen to me when things start going right?

Yes I get a little depressed. Alex is on hand though to have a look at it. He does some googling and then arranges for me to have another one. Somehow he wrangles me a free one. Don’t ask me how. But my deceased kindle is to be replaced on Thursday. I am happy again. He is a miracle worker.

I have a mile and half run to do that I couldn’t do yesterday. I keep procrastinating. It gets to 6.40pm. I prefer to run in the dark at this stage. Less people can see me.

In the end I go out and run it. It’s a good run I don’t stop running until it’s done. My head fills with story ideas as I run. I wonder why I stopped running for so long when it feels this good.

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Reading back through my daily posts this is starting to sound like a diary. That’s ok if this is how it’s going to go. I am being honest and open. It’s something I feel I need to do. I have hidden behind a sad smile long enough. Writing is therapeutic or so they say.

I don’t know if it will be like this every week. I guess I will have to wait and see.

So week one accomplished with its ups and downs.

One Year.

It’s my birthday today.

I am 39 years old.

All I can do is stare at myself in the bathroom mirror and think f@#k.

The white is showing in my hair because I have yet to re-dye it red. I look tired, circles under my eyes. The weight I had lost in October has crept back on because I haven’t been running solidly in a month and a half.

The excuses are there in my head. It’s been to dark, to cold and unappealing. I can only run in the evenings because that’s all the handful of time I have free to do such a thing.

My friend Jess has even tried to motivate me. She’s been trying to get back into running, as her motivation levels are low to. I know I’m not the only one drowning in the lack of get up and go.

Heck we both decided to do a 5km plan and keep each other running. I made it to day two before my motivation fizzled out.

It’s not that I can’t do it. My body, my legs are happy to go. They feel strong and can run far.

It’s my mind that’s holding me back. Those demons and arguments in your head that tell you not to both, that you’re too tired to go, what’s the point, it’s too cold, it’s raining, it’s too dark.

That I’m never going to get back to where I was, running 10k’s and enjoying it.

They rattle about inside my head stopping me from going out and running.

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It’s not just motivation I lack. I admit it freely I have depression.

Like a big smothering cloud hanging over my head. Sometimes I have good days and others are not so good. Emotionally some days I can be a total mess.

Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to lay there and sleep. Do nothing. Be nothing. But I can’t do that. I am a wife. A mum. So I get up and function.

I feel like I’m drowning inside, but I can see everyone around me. I’m choking on it and no one can see it.

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I know most of it stems from being a stay at home Mum. It’s just me and Peanut almost 24/7, 7 days a week.

I can’t do anything without her at my side. Me time is so very hard to get most of the time. She’s my baby girl and I love her to bits. I would never ever change having her. It can wear me down some days though and I miss my family in the UK at times dreadfully. Having no family here and it’s only the three of us can be extremely hard.

Depression I guess just started creeping slowly up on me and it just got worse. Maybe it was postnatal depression at the beginning, as it had its claws in me for a few years now.

Last year was pretty bad. It dulled all my other emotions and sometimes I just felt numb. Other times I would crawl into a ball and sob my eyes out. Everything felt overwhelming, raw. Emotions so strong they poured through me and I couldn’t stop them.

I wore a smile that never reached my eyes.

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I used to be such a positive person. I was always the one who could turn a bad situation into a good one. I was always cheerful. HAPPY.

Somehow I have let the depression eat me alive inside.

I don’t know who the woman in the mirror is anymore. She won’t look me in the eyes.

But I am at the point enough is enough. I need to fight and find some stable ground. I have to fix this. Me because no one else can.

I’m looking at myself /Her in the mirror long and hard. This has to change. I know this can’t go on.

I know I need a swift kick in the butt to get myself moving, to shake this dark cloud over me. I need to claim some positivity back.

So I make a promise with myself.

I have one year to get in the best shape ever. If I succeed and failure at this point it not an option, on my 40th birthday next February I will do something big just for me. Something outrageous, stupendous, something to celebrate.

I know getting in shape won’t fix it all, but it is a start. If I feel good about myself, starting being a positive light again then other things will follow.

I will use my diary and mark what I do for fitness every day. These can’t be half arsed things. I need to make an effort. Maybe set some goals.

Heck I will even do a 365 days of fitness and blog and Instagram it if that helps.

Anything to get me where I need. I will reach for dreams I still have and set about trying to make them a reality.

I have to do this. No I NEED to do this. I need to stop myself from drowning. I need to save myself.

So today I start.

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