365 Days of Fitness – Week 11

Day 70 Sun 24th Apri – It’s raining. I go do all the food shopping and bring it home to unpack. My bad mood is still lingering from yesterday. I am trying to hold onto the positive-ness but it’s hard.

Alex suggests we watch that movie I wanted to watch the other day. Ground Hog Day. It’s one of my favourites. I curl up on the sofa. Miss Peanut sits playing with her toys. She doesn’t seem to mind.

The film is funny. It makes us laugh and smile. It’s just what was needed to loosen us all up. We need moments like these. When you can just sit and watching something heart-warming.

We chat with Grandparents on skype. Peanut is going nuts. She misses them. I can’t wait to get back there in June for the summer. Alex will be in tow. It will be a proper family holiday this time.

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Day 71 Mon 25th Apr – I feel so tired. Ancient even. My face feels like it won’t be cracking a smile anytime soon. I feel like maybe I have resting bitch face. A constant look of cold reserve.

Miss Peanut isn’t sleep so well. Sometimes she makes little whimpers or upset noises. Bad dreams. They keep me awake. I worry about her. Or then my brain kicks in and I can’t drift off again.

Alex books the tickets for our holiday in June. It is always a chore. It can never be calmly done. Things have to be picked at then looked at over and over and over. I start to lose my patience again.

Why can’t things just be done simply? Breathing deeply and counting to ten helps.

We take her to the supermarket. It’s nice a family little walk just to grab some bits and pieces.

I need to go run today. The walking has been good as exercise but I promised myself I would run again.

Alex asks me when I will be done writing. This annoys me. He’s playing Facebook and the kid is playing quietly. Why do I have to stop?

I get snappy. I feel depressed but anger burns straight through it.

He tells me he doesn’t want me not to write. He’s happy I am. He just wants some family and us time. I say ok.

I know sometimes I am too focused, but it happens when I am in the zone, especially through critical scenes. When my imagination is flowing I can’t turn it off and on like a tap. I need to get it all down.

I tell him part of me is frightened he’s going to rip my writing from me. Crush it. That I am holding onto it so tight I won’t let it go.

He says he won’t. But I need to find balance. Ok. So he is right. I get that.

The rest of the day is calmer. We both spend time together. We spend time with the kid to.

I go out and run. It’s only a mile and half as the trees are shedding white pollen everywhere. It isn’t pleasant. I end up with it in my eyes, mouth and up my nose. Urgh.

At least though I ran. I am happy with that. I can see I have lost more weight. My running trousers are loser. I have to tie them up tighter.

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Day 72 Tue 26th Apri  – Just a 3 mile walk today and yes I ate to much chocolate….

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Day 73 Wed 27th Apri – Where did all the warm weather go? I hate this chillness, the rain. I want to feel the sun warm on my skin again. It relaxes me and makes me feel happy.

The kid is dropped off at school quite happily. I have two hours until I pick her up.

I hurry home. I have a ton of ideas I need to type down. Conversations and situations the walk had made me think of.

When I collect Miss Peanut she wants an early lunch. We spend the rest of the day dancing. She’s obsessed with music at the moment. We dance and wiggle. It’s fun and has me smiling.

When bedtime comes around she doesn’t want to go. We have had this for a few days now. She cries and screams. Why she doesn’t want to go to bed we have no idea. It’s Alex’s night but he can’t get her to settle. In the end for the second one of his nights, I end up going to bed with her.

It makes me angry. I don’t see why he can’t handle her. It’s not difficult. But nope he can’t do it. I end up laying there glaring at him angrily. Why am I the only one who can do this stuff?

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Day 74 Thur 28th Apri – I ache. I think I am coming down with something. Either that or its all the morning exercise taking the kid to school. I power walk with the pushchair and sometimes it’s tough going.

I am still annoyed over last night. It’s also our 4 year wedding anniversary today. Alex doesn’t remember. I knew it was this week and only know it’s today because face book reminds me. I tend to just know what day it is, not the date we are on. It’s usually hmm ok its April the end of I think.

I mention it to Alex. He smiles and says happy anniversary. I know we won’t be doing anything special today. Usually I make the effort and set something up. I am tired of being the only one who remembers. Who makes the effort. So I am not bothering.

He will be going roll playing with his friends tonight. I know he won’t change that. It’s not like he wants to do something with me to celebrate. I just want to have a hot bath tonight, write and be left alone. Maybe spend the evening watching cartoons with Miss Peanut. Have some more mother, daughter time.

I guess that’s not a good sign for a couple. But I am tired of making the effort. Let someone else do it for a change.

We meet a Nun on the way to nursery. We have seen her a few times. She had a kind smile and strokes Miss Peanut’s face. She says she can see my beautiful daughter loves school. It’s kind obvious when she’s calling the word at the top of her lungs.

The kid goes straight in. I am told to return at 11.15am. The time is growing longer soon she will be there until 12!

I powerwalk home. The silence of the house is welcome. I make a tea and sit writing a few notes I have thought of. Things to add to my third story. I am having fun with it. My characters are growing and are on a journey of self-discovery. I guess a lot like me.

Alex messages me and says he can get someone to baby sit on the weekend and we can go celebrate our anniversary then. I agree. Part of me would have liked to have done it today. I am also trying to remind myself what we are celebrating.

Before marriage, we were closer. More affectionate more bonded. It’s not like that anymore. I don’t feel connected, I just feel lost.

We do have a good evening. He sinks into his you tube video at dinner time. He brings cake home and we eat that after. We end up doing our on things.

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Day 75 Fri 29th Apri – I am in a really good mood today. Nothing can dent it. I have exciting things brewing, which I can’t talk about yet as I don’t want to jinx it.

I can say my sister is doing a little project for me with her photography. Today she takes some test shots. I love them. Cannot wait to get started on the proper photos in June when we visit.

It’s warm again outside. I love love love the sunshine and the warmth. Miss Peanut is at nursery for a whole 2 and half hours.

This morning was the first time she got upset and cried about going. She has a cold. That’s the reason I know she got upset. When she comes out shes all smiles.

We spend the afternoon playing and dancing. I chat with friends on face book messenger. I am happy and relaxed. The future is looking up

It friday so our evening out. Alex makes noises about it like hes forgotten. I know he was. I remember him tell him he can still have a pizza as long as we go out as a family. We do. Everyone has fun. I intend to keep friday nights out up.

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Day 76 Sat 30th Apri – Today we have a long walk out. The warm weather is back and we are all soaking up the sun. Miss Peanut walks about 2 miles and plays in another park we occasionally visit. She loves. She has so much fun.

When we get home and she naps Alex wants us time. We lie on the bed and talk. It’s like old times. He even gives me a back massage, which he hasn’t done in years. It melts my stress away. I miss moments like this. Everything seems to be one big hectic mess nowadays. It makes me feel a little closer to him again.

We say we are going to spend more moments like this together. We have said this before but maybe this time it will really happen.

I get a little time to write. I had writers block for a while but now it’s all flowing again. I seem to have eight books going on. Planned out in there outlines and waiting to be told. I am just going to keep writing because its something i love. I don’t feel so alone.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Nine

Day 57 Mon 11th Apr – I am trying to keep my positive vibe going. All the sunny weather is helping. It’s so much warmer and brighter here than it was in the UK.

I take Miss Peanut out in the morning. We do our usual rounds. In the corner shop she is chatting away which surprises the people we know there. Usually she’s quiet and shy. She even runs up to Mauro and smiles at him taking offered pizza. He is over the moon as he always thinks that she doesn’t like him.

I think she was just shy before and didn’t have so much interaction with other people. In the UK she was swamped with it.

By the afternoon we are both knackered. I think we are still tired from the traveling. I get a little writing done. Then I chat to a friend on facebook.

I find out we lost a facebook friend the day before. Gil. He always posted lovely comments on my blog or comments on photos of Miss Peanut.

I get teary-eyed. I am going to miss the old guy. Even though I didn’t know him physically he was always a ray of positivity and happiness.

By the time Alex gets home I am too tired to run. The kid is also a little clingy. She has been asking where Papa /Daddy is all day. It’s a long day for both of us.

So I just stick with the walk I did in the morning as exercise.

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Day 58 Tue 12th Apr – This morning is the visit to the nursery. I am anxious. We still don’t know the cost or if Miss Peanut will like it. The place isn’t far. The spring-like early morning walk fills me with hope that this is all going to go well.

The place is an old Villa with gates and buzzers to get. I like it on sight. The kid likes it to as she gets all excited.

As soon as we get in she squeals with delight seeing the other kids and toys. Then she’s off into the playroom. She only looks back a few times to check we are still there.

The owner is a Grandmother type. She is really nice and understanding. Alex and the lady chat about everything. Me I sit looking around and liking the place even more. It feels nice. Child friendly and has a good vibe.

We are shown around. Everything is child-friendly and cheerful.

Miss Peanut is having so much fun. I can hear her happy laugh from the other room. Eventually she does come looking for us. She wants me to play with her to.

The lady explains I should stand by the playroom door and not go in. This way the kid can see I am still there but will understand I won’t go in.

We agree to start Peanut at the nursery. She loves it and we are both happy. We all agree that she can start the following Monday.

It’s time to leave but the kid doesn’t want to go. She wants the toys she had found. Then realising we are leaving she cries and throws herself on the floor.

I sit and hug her fiercely, all the time whispering and promising she will start on Monday. That she will play and make friends. That I know she wants to go to this place.

Eventually she calms and says ‘bye bye’ to everyone. She is happy again. We walk back home talking about what we have learned. The place is not cheap but we want to do this for our little girl.

Even in September she doesn’t have to go the whole day apparently. She can stay until 1pm. This way it is a little cheaper than having her stay the whole day.

This makes me happy. I want time with her. I want to keep learning English with me and playing games etc and having snuggles.

I am lazy and stick to just a walk. We are also eating the stash of chocolate Grandma sent us home with. Not good for my waist line. But it tastes so good.

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Day 59 Wed 13th Apr – I know i have been lazy. Today i manage a 1 mile run. It is better than nothing. It’s still light outside when i go. It means more people in my way. It makes me wonder if winter running is better. Less people to fall over and trip over.

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Day 60 Thur 14th Apr – I keep forgetting to blog. I guess it’s not a great loss. I don’t need to write every thought in my head down here. My writing is going well. My third story is flowing from my fingertips through the keys of my little laptop. It’s just having the time to write which is the problem. Sometimes I end up just scribbling notes in my notebook when I am playing with Miss Peanut or if we are out. Sometimes stuff comes to me in the night and I have to get up and write them down quick. I am still passionate about my writing. The world in my mind and my characters are clamouring to get out.

Sometimes Alex point’s out I am mumbling to myself. This is me just reading my words out loud. I am not a crazy person. Well ok. I am a crazy to a certain level. I think everyone is one way or another. What is really normal in this day and age?

The kid is a little clingy today, so it’s just a walk.

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Day 61 Fri 15th Apr – My monthly cycle had started. It makes me more sensitive than normal. It’s the end of the first week and my anxiety is back full force. I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Alex tells me to smile when he leaves for work. I can barely turn my lips up in a semblance of one. I don’t smile here as much as I do in the UK. I don’t feel carefree.

I feel lonely again. There’s no one to talk to. Don’t get me wrong I have people to talk to on facebook messenger. There’s even Alex on skype chat.

No I mean someone physically here, someone to have a laugh with, chat with. Connect with.

I have gone from three weeks of busyness, noise, and people to me just talking to Miss Peanut.

I am so wound up I feel like I might be sick.

I take the kid to the park hoping some air and activity will help.

It does. We see some other kids. She’s happy playing with them and we enjoy the warmth on the sun. Closing my eyes i soak it up. We just need to keep busy. This will help i am sure. All i can hope it that i am right.

I feel better by the time we go home. We spend two hours in the park. We both enjoy it.

Alex takes us out to the beer garden for dinner. It’s like old times. We all have fun. It’s what we all need. I feel myself relax.

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Day 62 Sat 16th Apr – We are busy today getting things for Miss Peanut for nursery. We go shopping to get the non-slip socks she needs.

It’s a good morning. Me and Alex talk seriously about some issues. He knows I am still unhappy and on the verge of wanting to go back to the UK. Instead we talk about our fears and why things aren’t moving forward as they should.

We both thing nursery is going to help. I will have some much needed breathing space. It’s a start. We agree to take other things forwards from there. We shall see how it all goes.

The day is a good one. Alex is still more attentive than normal. He barely touches his online game. Miss Peanut adores it. She wants to play with him constantly or making him lay on the bed with her. She’s happy giggling and laughing. We feel more like a unit than individuals coping with a toddler.

just another walk today.

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365 Days of Fitness – Week Four

Day 22 Sun 6th Mar – Tired this morning. I did a lot yesterday and am still recovering. We have a quiet morning. Lunch time we go for a walk and out to eat.

I am tired and strangely feeling down. I don’t know why. It’s just there hovering over me like a dark cloud. I have noticed that if I have a fantastic high day it always seems followed by a low the next day.

While we are out having lunch at a place we eat, I get lost in thought. I get sucked in to thinking about my writing.

I have two friends reading my first finished one. I want to know what they think. I have self-doubt. What if they think they are crap? What if they say I write badly? I have already warned them about my commas or lack of knowing where they go. I was dyslexic at school.

I struggled with spelling words for a long time. Through reading I managed to memorize what the words look like and how to spell them. I still have trouble sometimes when words don’t write how they sound. ‘Suggest’ was always a word I struggled with because it always sounded like it should have an ‘r’ in it somewhere.

Through my love of books and reading I managed to learn the correct way to spell it. I think this is why I struggle with learning to read Italian. I can’t sound the words.

I know my stories might not be for everyone. People like different type of books that’s natural. I know I will have to take criticism and I can and I will.

My fear is they won’t like my storyline.

I can feel my thoughts spiralling down. Alex notices and starts talking to me about my stories.

He knows all about them. He uses them as a way to get my talking and happy. I have talked to him about them none stop. He likes the ideas behind them.

Alex is the kind of man who tells you how it is. I know if they were crap he would tell me. He is insistent they are good.

We talk about publishing one. I want to. I really do, it’s a dream. The more I write about these characters the more they grow in substance. They are living and breathing in my imagination. They in a way are different aspects of me, I guess.

I want to bring their stories to others. I want to set them free in the world, into other people’s imaginations.

My emotions are up again. The rest of the day passes with me food shopping and unpacking and doing all the other Sunday’s bits and pieces.

At 6pm I go out and run 2.25 miles. It’s very slow. My legs still ache from the walking yesterday. I also still have back aching from doing the planks. It’s still a good run though.

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Day 23 Mon 7th Mar – It’s Monday. The beginning of the week always feels like its stretching out in front of me. It seems long and never ending.

Today Miss Peanut decides to be a model. She wants to put on different clothes every five minutes. It’s cute. She growing and I have been encouraging her to choose her own clothes and toys since she was born.

I am feeling positive again. I have been thinking a lot and writing down story ideas. It’s all good. The genre I am writing in is a popular one. There will be someone out there who likes my stories. If not then that’s fine. I am writing because I love to and that’s all that really matters in the end. My happiness to do so.

A friend online suggests a different type of plank that won’t hurt my back. I will give it ago when it finally stops hurting. At the moment I seem happy just to run.

The day seems to go quickly which is nice for once, usually they drag.

In the evening I go run 1.15 miles. It’s a good run I feel strong and I am happy. I even smile for my photo this time. I wish i didn’t have manic eyes in the photo lol

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Day 24 Tue 8th Mar – Alex’s friend who does my back comes over. He’s here to crack me into place and help my ache. He is a nice guy but seems shy.

I tend to have a habit of looking people exactly in the eyes when I talk to them. This seems to make some people shy. He is one of these people.

He cracks and twists me a few times. It strange both exhilarating and frightening. Feeling and hearing the cracking is strangely nice. It never hurts just sounds scary. I can feel the strength in his body. He’s a big guy.

I don’t mean fat, but muscular. It wouldn’t take much for him to snap me in half. It’s a funny little thrill for me placing myself in the hands of someone else with trust.

He’s always gentle with me even when the positions become a little uncomfortable.

He says he can feel I am running again. My muscles feel more fluid. This makes me happy. He says the running is the best thing for me.

I know this already. I am not going to stop. I enjoy it too much now.

Everyone leaves and it’s me and Peanut alone again. She’s obsessed with putting different Peppa pig dvd’s on every five minutes. It’s raining we aren’t going out.

Another face book friend messages me. She follows my blog and has been catching up. She says I was describing her feelings over a year ago. Like me she has suffered from depression since becoming a Mum.

She tells me she had read a lot of surveys and apparently peoples happiness decrease when they become parents. I can believe this is true.

Suddenly you aren’t free anymore. You’re responsible for a small person who can’t take care of themselves. It fills every waking hour and even when you sleep. You eat, breathe and sleep it.

It’s easy to lose your identity in being MUM.

Like me she doesn’t have family close. You feel trapped and without any help. It can be a struggle.

She tells me she made a list of how she was and how she wanted to be. It’s sent to me. I am curious and read it through.

A few points jarringly stick out. She mentions how depression affects those around us to.

It hits me then like a fucking lightning bolt to the head. My darkness, my depression is affecting Miss Peanut to.

It gets the cogs turning. Am I being a bad mother? Maybe I am. God knows I try to do stuff with her and sometimes it’s a struggle to get myself motivated.

This little person, my daughter is looking up at me as a role model. Am I failing her? I don’t know what to think. I know I do tend to over think things, more than ever now when being depressed.

I want to be happy and healthy for her. I want to be a fun Mum. Someone the kid wants to spend time with.

I run two miles. It’s a good run. I am getting faster slowly and feeling stronger.

The whole time I am thinking everything I have learned through. I need to do better. The kid needs me. I have to try harder to be what she needs.

No more wallowing in depression. I have to get over this pity party.

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Day 25 Wed 9th Mar – I endeavour to spend more time amusing Miss Peanut today. We break out the paints and paper. She hasn’t played with paint before. I have always stuck with crayons.

Yes I know it’s lazy. It’s just easier and I don’t have Alex freaking out that there’s paint everywhere. Even after 2 and half years he still struggles with the mess a child makes.

I am not sure he will ever be comfortable with it.

Miss Peanut loves it. I teach her how to wet the brush, put it in the colours then paint. She’s a fast learner. Soon she’s painting away like a pro.

It’s fun. We both enjoy it.

I am more attentive to her than usual. We play and sing songs. It leaves me feeling very positive. Maybe I don’t suck at being a mother after all.

By 3pm the day is dragging for both of us. It’s raining so we don’t go out. She brings me the phone and wants to phone Grandma.

We can’t get through because there something wrong with the line. She runs to the computer and gestures to skype. We can’t do that either. Grandma doesn’t know how to do it alone and Aunty Rachel is out.

Peanut cries. She sobs her little heart out. I feel awful. She is desperate for contact with others. I am obviously not enough. I can understand that to.

After some messaging, Aunty Rachel skypes us. She’s at her boyfriends. I haven’t met him but he seems like a lovely guy.

The kid is so happy and over excited! It makes her afternoon.

By the time Alex gets home at 7pm I just want to go run. It’s my time to breathe. Just me and outside with my music playing. I am really enjoying it and don’t want to stop.

By 7.28pm I finally get outside. I hate waiting for Alex to be ready to let me get out.

I have a lovely 1.50 mile run. I enjoy it so much.

I wanted to do more but Alex is going out to see friends tonight. I don’t have time. It’s already late and I have to cook dinner before he goes. I content myself with the short run. People in my building think i am a little crazy. Guess there not far out on that. I end up smirking as i take my photo as the woman who lives next door to us is talking to me.

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Day 26 Thur 10th Mar – Tired this morning. Peanut woke me up about a million times last night. I am quiet and subdued. Alex doesn’t seem to grasp this.

He is annoying. I don’t feel like doing much today. All I want to do is go back to bed or curl up and read quietly. Neither happens.

I play with Peanut. Eventually she leaves me to play alone. She tugs out all her toys. There strewn across the sitting room floor. I can barely see the ground beneath. I am too tired to put them away. She will just pull them back out again anyway. So it will be done just before Alex gets home.

I have writers block in the morning. By her nap time I have some ideas to write down.

Afternoon and I am feeling happier. I am designing a Steampunk costume. I want to wear it at the next festival here in Rome in sept. I have the dress, goggles, gloves and hat.

The other bits I need I will search for in the UK. Just 9 days now until our trip and I can’t wait. I am going home. This knowledge makes me happy.

We talk to Grandma and Aunty Rachel for a while on skype. This makes the kid happy. I can’t wait for her to see them. She gets sad every time we end the skype conversations.

I have decided to do more things to make myself happy and please myself. I don’t think this is being selfish. I am just meeting needs and wants I have.

Things like my exercises. I also want to get a new tattoo at some point. Do things that are important to me whenever I have spare time. If I find spare time.

My run tonight is 2.25 miles. It’s raining a little and there’s a biting cold. Not many people have ventured out. I am only one of four runners to brave the weather.

I have to go slow because the ground is slippery. Never the less I get my run done. I am happy with the results. My running is giving me an inner peace. I need the calm it brings now, the time to think.

I chat on Facebook to a mum expat friend. It makes me smile and I go to bed happy.

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Day 27 Fri 11th Mar – Today i spend more time playing with Peanut. More painting. She loves it a lot. We sing to her favorite sings. I talk to her as i always do chatting away. She talks back in baby chat. Somethings sound like words but there not clear. She watches me as i say the correct name to things but she likes to call everything ‘apple’ or ‘ Peppa’ her to favorite words.

1 mile and half tonight.

There are too many dog walkers. Don’t get me wrong I love dogs. It’s there owners I hate here.

They stand all spread out on the path chatting in a group. There dogs are either free to roam or on the leads as far as they can go. You can’t get past. They are everywhere and in the way.

It’s so rude and they don’t seem to care. I end up growling under my breath a million times at them. I hate their rudeness.

The run goes well and I am happy with it.

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Day 28 Sat 12th Mar – We are going to Miss Peanut’s favourite place today. The little Mall. It’s the last weekend before me and the Kid go to the UK for 3 weeks. I can’t wait! It’s my high point that’s keeping me focused at the moment.

Today I notice changes in my body. I have lost weight on my hips and tummy. My face looks a little thinner to. They aren’t chances other people would really see I don’t think. Not unless I was naked.

As I live in this body, under this skin, it’s easier for me to see them. I am happy my getting fit and stronger is working. I like the changes in my body. I want to get back down to a size 10.

I have only been that size once. It was when I got married and before Peanut was born. I felt comfortable that size and happy in myself. I want that again.

I am toying with 30 day progress pics, but we will see. I think seeing the difference and having them as a reminder will help if my motivation lags at any time.

We all have fun at the Mall. Peanut plays with other kids and runs around with the biggest smile on her face. I am glad it’s made her happy.

I’m getting more excited about our trip and can’t wait to start packing even though it’s still a week away.

My run today is just 1 mile. It’s a good run I do it fast and feel happy after.

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One Year.

It’s my birthday today.

I am 39 years old.

All I can do is stare at myself in the bathroom mirror and think f@#k.

The white is showing in my hair because I have yet to re-dye it red. I look tired, circles under my eyes. The weight I had lost in October has crept back on because I haven’t been running solidly in a month and a half.

The excuses are there in my head. It’s been to dark, to cold and unappealing. I can only run in the evenings because that’s all the handful of time I have free to do such a thing.

My friend Jess has even tried to motivate me. She’s been trying to get back into running, as her motivation levels are low to. I know I’m not the only one drowning in the lack of get up and go.

Heck we both decided to do a 5km plan and keep each other running. I made it to day two before my motivation fizzled out.

It’s not that I can’t do it. My body, my legs are happy to go. They feel strong and can run far.

It’s my mind that’s holding me back. Those demons and arguments in your head that tell you not to both, that you’re too tired to go, what’s the point, it’s too cold, it’s raining, it’s too dark.

That I’m never going to get back to where I was, running 10k’s and enjoying it.

They rattle about inside my head stopping me from going out and running.

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It’s not just motivation I lack. I admit it freely I have depression.

Like a big smothering cloud hanging over my head. Sometimes I have good days and others are not so good. Emotionally some days I can be a total mess.

Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to lay there and sleep. Do nothing. Be nothing. But I can’t do that. I am a wife. A mum. So I get up and function.

I feel like I’m drowning inside, but I can see everyone around me. I’m choking on it and no one can see it.

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I know most of it stems from being a stay at home Mum. It’s just me and Peanut almost 24/7, 7 days a week.

I can’t do anything without her at my side. Me time is so very hard to get most of the time. She’s my baby girl and I love her to bits. I would never ever change having her. It can wear me down some days though and I miss my family in the UK at times dreadfully. Having no family here and it’s only the three of us can be extremely hard.

Depression I guess just started creeping slowly up on me and it just got worse. Maybe it was postnatal depression at the beginning, as it had its claws in me for a few years now.

Last year was pretty bad. It dulled all my other emotions and sometimes I just felt numb. Other times I would crawl into a ball and sob my eyes out. Everything felt overwhelming, raw. Emotions so strong they poured through me and I couldn’t stop them.

I wore a smile that never reached my eyes.

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I used to be such a positive person. I was always the one who could turn a bad situation into a good one. I was always cheerful. HAPPY.

Somehow I have let the depression eat me alive inside.

I don’t know who the woman in the mirror is anymore. She won’t look me in the eyes.

But I am at the point enough is enough. I need to fight and find some stable ground. I have to fix this. Me because no one else can.

I’m looking at myself /Her in the mirror long and hard. This has to change. I know this can’t go on.

I know I need a swift kick in the butt to get myself moving, to shake this dark cloud over me. I need to claim some positivity back.

So I make a promise with myself.

I have one year to get in the best shape ever. If I succeed and failure at this point it not an option, on my 40th birthday next February I will do something big just for me. Something outrageous, stupendous, something to celebrate.

I know getting in shape won’t fix it all, but it is a start. If I feel good about myself, starting being a positive light again then other things will follow.

I will use my diary and mark what I do for fitness every day. These can’t be half arsed things. I need to make an effort. Maybe set some goals.

Heck I will even do a 365 days of fitness and blog and Instagram it if that helps.

Anything to get me where I need. I will reach for dreams I still have and set about trying to make them a reality.

I have to do this. No I NEED to do this. I need to stop myself from drowning. I need to save myself.

So today I start.

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Insane Terrian training – half way mark

Well im half way into my fitness training with weights getting me ready for the Insane Terrian UK OCR race in May.

As i mentioned in my ‘change of plan’ blog post im not doing the Spartan Sprint now here in Rome due to them changing the location to somewhere with no transport and an hour and half away from Roma! 😦

But i have been carrying on with my training as the Insane Terrian Obstacle course race will be just as tough and challenging.

There will be obstacles to climb over and under, mud pits to wade/crawl through and many other challenges to face that day!

I haven’t been running in about 3/4 weeks as frankly its been to cold and wet by the time i can get outside after 7pm. Not to mention i don’t really like running in the dark! But as its starting to become lighter in the evenings again i should be able to start running again soon.

I did take a week off last week from weights as i had been working pretty hard but now im back training again this last week 🙂

Below are my half way progress photos showing week 1 and today which is week 13 see any difference? 🙂

Week 1 and week 13 total body

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Then my arms week 1 to week 13

 

 

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Im extremely happy with the results so far even with another 13 weeks to go until the actual race (17 th May). I never thought i would feel this strong before using weights and its even better than just running 🙂

I still have chicken wing arms but i can see the definition of my tricep muscles i just need to keep going til it all tones up eventually.

Im very proud that i have gone from barely being able to do 10 chair dips/tricep dips to now doing over 100 and rising with no problem! They have gone from something i hate to something i love!

I have also lost alot of belly and hip weight which i had left over from having a baby and its still going down.

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I have already decided to continue my training even after the OCR race is done as i love my weight training so much now and want to see how strong i can really get.

I knew when i started it wasn’t going to be a 30 day transformation thing i knew i would probably see results after 6 months to a year after having all the weight left from pregnancy and not working out for over 2 years!

And i have already found a few other OCR races to do back in the UK when we visit there over this year and the next few! I know i havent done the Insane Terrian yet but hey i said i wanted to challenge myself more 😉

Just another 13 weeks to go until the Insane Terrian race! I wonder what my progress will look like by them? 😀

 

Janathon Begins

Yes its that time of year again and Janathon is back! And this year is its 5th Birthday 🙂

to take part in Janathon you have to be active and do exercise everyday of the month of January. This includes running, swimming, cycling or any other physical activity.

Then blog about it or talk about it on the Janathon FB page or twitter with the hashtag #Janathon

I have done it on and off a few times over the years and its quite moitvational for the begining of the year.

You are supposed to blog about it every day but i dont Always have time so i do a weekly round up instead 🙂

As im training for a spartan race (will be blogging about that later this week)  i need all the exercise i can get and so here’s my round up of the first 4 days of january which started on a Thursday!

Thursday 1st Jan – In the morning i did a 30 minutes weights workout with my yoga ball 🙂 I didn’t get a chance to run as Alex some how had back ache and wanted to just lay on the bed so there was no one to watch Miss Peanut.

Friday 2nd Jan – another weights workout for 30 mins was done yay me! And also some 30 day challenges were started!

Saturday 3rd Jan – 4 miles walking of sales shopping counts right? hehee! I did 1 and half mins plank and 65 tricep dips (which i hate but get done!)

Sunday 4th Jan – more tricep dips this time 70 and another 1 and half mins held plank!

Ok so i didn’t do tons of exercise on a few of the days but at least i got off my butt and did something! And the 30 day challenges keep my doing them!

This week will be better i promise! 😉

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