Day 8 Sun 21st Feb – Weekends are never calm and tranquil. They are generally a huge annoying mess. Sunday is no acception. I wake up with a million things to do just in the first few hours. Getting Miss Peanut up, nappy changed, getting her dressed. Then I feed the cat, before starting breakfast for everyone. Once that’s done I sit feeding her while eating my own.
The Italian sits playing her music so she can dance while I do all this. Sometimes he does make breakfast when I mention it. What I mean by that is when I nag. Yes I nag. I have evolved into a nagger. God forbidden that I turn into my mother. I know it’s happening. He’s mentioned it a few times. Maybe it’s inevitable.
I do have bursts of anger through my depression mainly directed at him as he’s the only other adult I have contact with every day. Part of me knows this isn’t fair. You’re not always rational though when depressed.
I have become a pro at sarcastic responses. I have a reply for almost anything.
Not that he is always listening.
We have turned into a culture, that doesn’t really listen to what people say. I mean really listen. The kind of way you see and hear the emotions behind the words spoken. There true meaning and why they are being said, the pain, the anger or even the affection and love.
People just answer with the expected response.
A response, which is sometimes just empty words. There spoken just to reply.
This I think is how we lose our connection with others, when they give up truly listening.
Next on my list is doing the food shopping alone. It’s a small escape away. Then it’s back to unpack it all.
I get a 1 minute plank done straight after. It’s hard as I wear my shoes. I prefer doing it barefoot. I love the feel of the ground under my feet. Then it’s on to 21 push ups.
In the afternoon we go and watch Deadpool while the kid is at the babysitter. It feels like old times. I feel happy for a few hours. It’s nice. I miss the old times.
I miss the old us. We aren’t them anymore. We have both changed becoming parents. I am not even sure they existed anymore. I sure as hell don’t feel the same.
When we get back I go straight to the bathroom and do 60 chair dips. There hard and I have to stop every 15 dips rest a minute before I do the next lot. I am sore by the end.
Day 9 Mon 22nd Feb – Today was a good day. Miss Peanut discovers the hand puppets at the bottom of one of her toy boxes. Its hours of fun with and without me. I managed to get some writing done, which is nice. She’s happy. I am happy it’s a win win situation.
It was salad for lunch. So far in the week I seem to be sticking with them. I am surprised. Maybe it will take a while before I get sick of them. There will come that point I know. Other things will tempt me. Things I shouldn’t have but I probably will.
Chair dips and push ups are on a rest day. So it’s just a run and planking to do. I don’t feel bad or guilty about this. I need the rest days. I decided to leave the plank until after my run.
Alex gets in just after 7pm. I can’t go straight out as he needs the bathroom so I have to watch Miss Peanut. This can be a fail point for me, because he’s in there for ages and time starts ticking on. I don’t want to be out in the dark for ages. It’s already late and I need to feed myself and Peanut. No one else is going to do it.
I want to just go straight out when he gets back. It’s what I need. Eventually he emerges. I have half convinced myself not to go. Instead I mumbled bye and get my arse to the park.
I am already exhausted. The bags under my eyes are still pronounced. I end up running slowly eyes half closed, trying not to stumble.
I manage to run 1.75 miles with only stopping once. As usual it’s to do up my flipping shoe lace.
The plank is for 1 whole minute. Somehow I get it done with not much effort. This has to mean there working right?
Sad news from face book when I get back inside. One of the expats I like who lives in Milan is leaving Italy. She’s had enough and heading back to the UK.
We’ve met up a few times and I like her a lot. My heart feels heavy. In the back of my mind I secretly wish I could leave to. Yes I live here but it’s not really home. I doubt it really ever will be. After over eight years it’s not. So why would that ever change?
Day 10 Tue 23rd Feb – I am tired and grumpy. I spend the morning waiting for the kid to have a nap. She’s hyper today and driving me nuts. Its changing dvd’s every 5 mins because she wants something different. Then we play and play and she’s still not happy. I let her colour. It keeps her busy for 5 mins. Then we look at books. It’s never ending. I just want five minutes to myself. I don’t think that’s much to ask for.
We are going to the UK to visit family in less than four weeks. It feels so far away. I know once I am there I will gulp in freedom. I will be able to be me. Whoever that is now.
Three weeks there. Grandma loves to help with nappies, feeding, playing. It’s the help I need. The time I need.
I just hope the time up to it won’t drag. I feel down. It settles over me like a thin dark shroud.
I find myself snacking on crisps. I don’t even notice it until I realise I am shovelling them into my mouth. It’s not worth it. Comfort eating doesn’t get me anywhere but fat. I don’t want to use it as a crutch anymore so I stop eating them.
Nap time comes and I hold a perfect 1 minute plank. Then I do 24 push ups.
I do a little writing and researching. I am in a better mood when she wakes up. We phone Grandma for a chat. The kid likes to babble to her on the phone. Grandma sings to her.
It bath time for Miss Peanut. She has fun and we play with her ducks with me sitting beside the bath.
I was going to do 60 chair dips when Alex got home. In the end I don’t have a chance. There is not enough time between cooking dinner and getting the kid ready for bed. I still hate them anyway, so I end up skipping them. Bad I know. Ten days in and I can’t start skipping workouts. Tomorrow I will do better.
Day 11 Wed 24th Feb – My new kindle was arriving today. I am happy. That is up until the point it comes. I discover Alex has made the internet password illegible. I try typing it a million times yet it is always incorrect. I can’t sort my kindle out now until he gets home at 7pm.
Annoyance is not the words I feel. I am angry he just can’t write it clearly.
I wallow for about an hour in depression then shake it off. I leave the kindle charging and get on with other stuff to distract myself. It helps.
When Miss Peanut is napping I do a 1 minute and half plank. Then I do 26 push ups. I am already seeing slow changes in my body. I hope I can keep it up.
By the time the kid wakes up I have a dull head ache throbbing through my skull. It shoots pain behind my right eye. It seems to have settled in for a long haul. I need to drink more water to get rid of it. I also suspected its lingering anger over the internet password. I just can’t let it go.
It’s starting to feel like ground hog day. Miss Peanut drags out all the toys from every toy box. There strewn all over the floor. I pick them up every five minutes, but they always come back. This has happened for three days straight. It’s felt like one long continuous day since Monday. They all slid together until I don’t know what day it is anymore.
My headache is getting worse. I still have chair dips to do and a run tonight. I give in and take a painkiller.
The headache is gone by the time Alex gets home. I go for my run. I feel FREE. It’s just for the too brief moments of running but I still feel it. It’s a good run and I really enjoy it. I even have a smile for my photo.
The chair dips I abandon. I hate them. Maybe in a few months I will do them again but I don’t think doing something I enjoy is good motivation.
I discover when i get in that i have been typing the wrong code into the kindle. I feel stupid. Yet happy it now works.
Day 12 Thur 25th Feb – I take Miss Peanut out this morning. We go to the park. It’s a nice morning feeling spring like. We meet another mum with a little boy of 2. Peanut goes wild. She’s so happy to have a little playmate. First she pushes him over then she’s kissing him.
I start a conversation with the Mum in my broken Italian. She quickly picks up I’m English and starts talking to me in English. This makes life easier for me. She seems nice. I try to feel hopefully I have made a mum friend in the park. From experience through this doesn’t always work out. They stop going or their kids go to playgroup. Then i never see them again.
Her little boy is talking and he’s 6 months younger than my girl. She’s towering over him like an amazon. She’s already as big as a three year old. She is going to be tall.
The boy can talk. She even tells me that she knows it takes bilingual kids longer to talk. This still doesn’t make me feel better. I want Peanut to talk.
At the moment its random words like dog, blue, aqua, water. She also says ‘oh no’ ‘oh god’ ‘all gone’.
I talk to Peanut constantly. I show her what things are telling her the names and show her books as well of colours and words.
I know all children are different. They all take different times to learn but this brings me down. I want to run away and go home with Peanut. Hide away. I feel like a failure.
Instead I make myself stay. She’s happy and playing running around laughing. I get someone else to talk to. I try not to feel bad about something that is not under my control.
In the end I have to tear her away as its time to go back. She cries. I know its part tiredness and part happy to play with other kids. I feel like I am being mean, but we have shopping to get.
I don’t feel hungry today and end up just picking at stuff all day.
When the kid is napping I do 26 push ups and 1 minute plank.
The plank wasn’t supposed to be done but I feel like I need it. It’s like a drug now. Seeing how long I can hold it before I start shaking and it starts to feel uncomfortable.
In the afternoon I have a panic attack. It comes out of nowhere. Miss Peanut won’t give me five minutes piece. She’s crawling all over me. I can’t breathe literally.
I try to suck in oxygen but it’s like it’s just not there. My lungs fill with nothing. I am drowning again.
With the kid hugging me tight it soon passes. I curl up on the sofa with her and watch cartoons. I feel unsettled. I hope I don’t have another one.
Day 13 Fri 26th – Alex wakes us up at 7am. It’s the same everyone morning in the weekday. Me and Peanut don’t really have to get up but he gets us up anyway. When we aren’t moving by 7.30 he’s back to tell us to get up.
He says he doesn’t know why I am so tired. He knows I get up twice in the night to give the kid milk. I am so f@*king tired. Sometimes I wish we could trade places just so he knows what it’s like.
I’m so tired I feel like crying.
Almost less than 3 weeks until we go to the UK. I know I will get to sleep in there along with many other things. It’s the only thing I’m clinging to now. Something to look forwards to.
I break down on the bed and cry. Alex is worried about me. I am an emotional messy today. He tells me he knows how hard it is. I tell him I don’t know who I am any more.
He says I am still me, that I am just buried under everything. I am not sure if I believe him or not. He takes the day off. He’s worried about me and wants to lift some weight of my shoulders.
It’s nice.
We all go out and get some needed stuff done. Peanut likes having Daddy home. It’s someone else to play with. I feel more relaxed. The tension leaves me and I actually feel sort of happy.
I end up running at 5.40pm. It’s still light outside. I haven’t run in the light for a long time. It feels weird. The running is 1.75 miles. It’s a good run. I enjoy it.
The only down side is several flies committing kamikaze in my eyeball and the flow of more people. I think I prefer running in the dark. At least then I am along with my thoughts.
I get in and do a 1 and half minute plank. Straight after I do 28 push ups. I feel it all afterwards. I ache.
Day 14 Feb 27th – It’s Saturday. I want to lie in bed for ten minutes but I am already being told to get up. It’s raining today. A big storm with high winds is expected. It doesn’t appear.
I am writing again. I have ideas flowing out of my head. It’s fun and I am transported to another city. Sometimes I find it hard getting my characters to interact. I have to imagine their emotions and that’s not always easy. It’s harder on bad days when I feel down. Today I feel ok.
Food shopping is done and I unpack. I keep wondering when I should do my exercises. Alex has been looking after Miss Peanut while I shop.
He says he’s exhausted and needs a break. His words snap something inside me.
I go into the bathroom and close the door. The tears come. I crawl into a corner and quietly sob. All my loneliness, depression, pain, confusion, anger, it all comes crashing out. Those dark feelings are finally free in my head. There much louder now.
I can’t stop. Tears are continuously rolling down my face. I cry quietly. All the while I can hear the Kid and Alex playing.
I want to stop just for half an hour and not have any responsibility. I want the lazy weekends back. I want to be the old me. I want to stop all the emotions, which are now pouring out of me. But they don’t.
I am drowning again and I am hiding in the bathroom.
I curl into a ball in my corner. I am there for a whole 30 minutes. I cry the whole time until my eyes are aching and the numbness is creeping in. It’s a good kind of numb because I can’t feel anything. I want it.
I start to wonder if they would be better off without me. That if I died today it would all be over. I know these are just dark depressed thought. I am too much of a coward to hurt or end myself. I cling to life like everyone else.
There just passing murky thoughts. In the end I want one simple thing my Mum.
I think we all do in the end, when we are hurting and confused. She’s not here though she’s far away in the UK.
Alex comes and finds me. He wants to understand what’s going on. He thinks it’s something he’s done. This just makes me cry all the harder. I can’t stop. All my tears should be shed by now but they just keep coming. My eyes are all puffy and ache even more.
He asks me how do we fix this?
I start to laugh. It’s a crazy manic laugh and I can’t stop. It keeps escaping and I am hysterical. I have to grab onto the washing machine i am laughing so hard. It’s manic, hopeless, right from the deepest depths. It goes on and on continuing to leak out.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I am having a nervous breakdown. From the look on Alex’s face he thinks so to. I don’t understand what’s happening to me.
I gasp for breath between the crying and the laughing. All the while Alex sits watching me with a worried look on his face. I can hear his voice. The murmur of soothing words.
Slowly the laughing stops but the tears still leak from the corners of my eyes.
Eventually he coaxes me out of the bathroom. We end up talking a lot. He doesn’t want me to be lonely anymore. He wants to see me happy. He hugs me, pets my hair and tells me he loves me.
I just feel completely numb after my jagged emotional purge. I feel empty.
He says maybe I should see a therapist. I am not sure this would help. Telling a stranger how I feel, would that really do anything for me? Is this person going to magically make me feel better and fix me? Am I broken inside? Am I crazy? Is this all normal?
Other suggestions come. Maybe I should find a once a week evening group to join. English groups like this in Rome are few and far between. It might work and only trying will see.
After the kid goes to bed, we talk some more. It helps. He wants to reconnect and so do I.
The numbness is still there though. I want to feel better I really do. How I get there though I really don’t know. I have been like this for so long that i know longer remember how i used to be.
He tells me to do my exercises. I do a 1.30 minute plank and 28 push ups.
They do make me feel better. I enjoy the exercises. They are a bit of control I have over my life. When I go to bed I sleep like a log.
This week has been very up and down. I really don’t know if that was a nervous breakdown or not. Maybe it was just pain and depression that needed a way out.
I still think the exercise is helping though. I also felt better since breaking down. Maybe its helped to.