Taking a break from Blogging

I haven’t posted in a few weeks.

Truth be told i haven’t really had time. We had two weeks of sickness from Alex and Miss Peanut, so that was a handful in itself. I have kept up with my walking through and 365 days of fitness. I haven’t posted all the pics on Instagram yet, just no time but i will.

I will also try at least to keep going with that on there.

The other reason I plan to stop blogging for a while is because i am starting to make a dream come to.

My writing.

I have been doing it for months and quietly making friends online with other writers/authors and learning how to become an author myself.

I have a book hopefully being publish end of August under a pen name and i have decided to put all my energy and time into that.

I am learning so much and growing as a writer. Yes i am very excited about this and i can’t wait. Honestly i did not realize how much you need to know!

Writing, Beta readers, editing, formatting, cover art, promoting, Author page, and the list goes on! But i am very very lucky to have found some friends and people in the same boat as me and learning as we go.

I am also very lucky to have a really good friend who is an editor and who is helping me out and doing an amazing job at it!

So yes i am very busy.

But i am feeling positive about it all and i have only had small bouts of depression. I am finding being focused and being creative is helping. It makes me feel productive and happy. It’s what i needed to feel like me again. To find myself again.

This is something i really think i needed.

Having said that i have been blogging here for quite a while and will no doubt come back to post and blog. When that will be i cannot say. But i am more that sure i will.

So for now this is Run Brit Chick Run signing off….

 

 

 

365 Days of Fitness – Week 12

Day 77 Sun 1st May – I should run. I have been avoiding it. My spark of motivation is low. I am still losing weight from all the power walking. Salad every day for lunch also helps and avoiding snacking on crap snacks.

I am so tired. Lately every time I go to sleep I open my eyes again and its morning. I can’t stand it. These are the times depression sinks its claws in. I am easily swayed by it because I am so tired.

I end up snapping at Alex and crying. I want a break. We argue but then it seems to dawn on him what’s wrong. He hugs me and becomes all understanding.

He gives me the time I need to breathe. The time to re-collect myself again.

I go dye my hair red again as its been needing doing for weeks. This helps. A little care towards myself and it makes me feel better.

Day 78 Mon 2nd May – Pouring rain so no running. Something interesting to read though.

Day 79 Tue 3rd May -Another walk and writers block.

Day 80 Wed 4th May – Tortellini spinach and ricotta for dinner one of my favs.

Day 81 Thur 5th May -It’s ponies and the rave music tonight…Miss Peanut’s choice.

Day 82 Fri 6th May – I really need to start running again with our friday evenings out.

Day 83 Sat 7th May – My bestie Jess has got me doing the zombies run app again. Day 1 completed.

I haven’t felt like adding stuff day by day to this. It gets a little monotonous. It a good week. I eat to much and i am neglecting my salads. Miss Peanut is still loving school and is so excited to go. She’s going for 3 hours now 5 days a week. It’s the time I need apart.

I spend the time writing or just resting. I speak to friends over facebook chat. Sometimes I go for a walk or to them market to look at the second hand clothes. Other times I will sit in silence and drink tea.

You honestly don’t realise how much you miss the quietness until you don’t have it anymore. Just time to sit without a worry or a care and reflect.

It had improved my mood. Alex has noticed a change in me this week. He can see I am happier. I think it’s been good for all of us in different ways.

I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. I can breathe easily for a few hours a day.

I can also use my imagination much more widely when I am alone. There are no interruptions every five minutes. No cartoons on or me with my ear listening for what the kids up to.

I honestly think sending her to nursery has saved my sanity.

And she’s growing and expanding at an astounding rate now from the new stimulus. So many more words she is now saying in both Italian and English. She also doing things she hasn’t done before which I suspect she’s copying from the other kids. Her smiling face when I pick her up makes it worth it.

My friend Jess has also talked me into doing the zombies run app again. I am really lacking in motivation with my running. It’s blinking on zero at the moment. At least I am keeping up with the walking.

I do the first day of zombies run. I think it will keep me motivated.

I am pushing to do my own things now to. Things that make me happy and feel rewarding. It’s what I need and so far it’s going well.

365 Days of Fitness – Week 11

Day 70 Sun 24th Apri – It’s raining. I go do all the food shopping and bring it home to unpack. My bad mood is still lingering from yesterday. I am trying to hold onto the positive-ness but it’s hard.

Alex suggests we watch that movie I wanted to watch the other day. Ground Hog Day. It’s one of my favourites. I curl up on the sofa. Miss Peanut sits playing with her toys. She doesn’t seem to mind.

The film is funny. It makes us laugh and smile. It’s just what was needed to loosen us all up. We need moments like these. When you can just sit and watching something heart-warming.

We chat with Grandparents on skype. Peanut is going nuts. She misses them. I can’t wait to get back there in June for the summer. Alex will be in tow. It will be a proper family holiday this time.

Day 71 Mon 25th Apr – I feel so tired. Ancient even. My face feels like it won’t be cracking a smile anytime soon. I feel like maybe I have resting bitch face. A constant look of cold reserve.

Miss Peanut isn’t sleep so well. Sometimes she makes little whimpers or upset noises. Bad dreams. They keep me awake. I worry about her. Or then my brain kicks in and I can’t drift off again.

Alex books the tickets for our holiday in June. It is always a chore. It can never be calmly done. Things have to be picked at then looked at over and over and over. I start to lose my patience again.

Why can’t things just be done simply? Breathing deeply and counting to ten helps.

We take her to the supermarket. It’s nice a family little walk just to grab some bits and pieces.

I need to go run today. The walking has been good as exercise but I promised myself I would run again.

Alex asks me when I will be done writing. This annoys me. He’s playing Facebook and the kid is playing quietly. Why do I have to stop?

I get snappy. I feel depressed but anger burns straight through it.

He tells me he doesn’t want me not to write. He’s happy I am. He just wants some family and us time. I say ok.

I know sometimes I am too focused, but it happens when I am in the zone, especially through critical scenes. When my imagination is flowing I can’t turn it off and on like a tap. I need to get it all down.

I tell him part of me is frightened he’s going to rip my writing from me. Crush it. That I am holding onto it so tight I won’t let it go.

He says he won’t. But I need to find balance. Ok. So he is right. I get that.

The rest of the day is calmer. We both spend time together. We spend time with the kid to.

I go out and run. It’s only a mile and half as the trees are shedding white pollen everywhere. It isn’t pleasant. I end up with it in my eyes, mouth and up my nose. Urgh.

At least though I ran. I am happy with that. I can see I have lost more weight. My running trousers are loser. I have to tie them up tighter.

Day 72 Tue 26th Apri  – Just a 3 mile walk today and yes I ate to much chocolate….

Day 73 Wed 27th Apri – Where did all the warm weather go? I hate this chillness, the rain. I want to feel the sun warm on my skin again. It relaxes me and makes me feel happy.

The kid is dropped off at school quite happily. I have two hours until I pick her up.

I hurry home. I have a ton of ideas I need to type down. Conversations and situations the walk had made me think of.

When I collect Miss Peanut she wants an early lunch. We spend the rest of the day dancing. She’s obsessed with music at the moment. We dance and wiggle. It’s fun and has me smiling.

When bedtime comes around she doesn’t want to go. We have had this for a few days now. She cries and screams. Why she doesn’t want to go to bed we have no idea. It’s Alex’s night but he can’t get her to settle. In the end for the second one of his nights, I end up going to bed with her.

It makes me angry. I don’t see why he can’t handle her. It’s not difficult. But nope he can’t do it. I end up laying there glaring at him angrily. Why am I the only one who can do this stuff?

Day 74 Thur 28th Apri – I ache. I think I am coming down with something. Either that or its all the morning exercise taking the kid to school. I power walk with the pushchair and sometimes it’s tough going.

I am still annoyed over last night. It’s also our 4 year wedding anniversary today. Alex doesn’t remember. I knew it was this week and only know it’s today because face book reminds me. I tend to just know what day it is, not the date we are on. It’s usually hmm ok its April the end of I think.

I mention it to Alex. He smiles and says happy anniversary. I know we won’t be doing anything special today. Usually I make the effort and set something up. I am tired of being the only one who remembers. Who makes the effort. So I am not bothering.

He will be going roll playing with his friends tonight. I know he won’t change that. It’s not like he wants to do something with me to celebrate. I just want to have a hot bath tonight, write and be left alone. Maybe spend the evening watching cartoons with Miss Peanut. Have some more mother, daughter time.

I guess that’s not a good sign for a couple. But I am tired of making the effort. Let someone else do it for a change.

We meet a Nun on the way to nursery. We have seen her a few times. She had a kind smile and strokes Miss Peanut’s face. She says she can see my beautiful daughter loves school. It’s kind obvious when she’s calling the word at the top of her lungs.

The kid goes straight in. I am told to return at 11.15am. The time is growing longer soon she will be there until 12!

I powerwalk home. The silence of the house is welcome. I make a tea and sit writing a few notes I have thought of. Things to add to my third story. I am having fun with it. My characters are growing and are on a journey of self-discovery. I guess a lot like me.

Alex messages me and says he can get someone to baby sit on the weekend and we can go celebrate our anniversary then. I agree. Part of me would have liked to have done it today. I am also trying to remind myself what we are celebrating.

Before marriage, we were closer. More affectionate more bonded. It’s not like that anymore. I don’t feel connected, I just feel lost.

We do have a good evening. He sinks into his you tube video at dinner time. He brings cake home and we eat that after. We end up doing our on things.

Day 75 Fri 29th Apri – I am in a really good mood today. Nothing can dent it. I have exciting things brewing, which I can’t talk about yet as I don’t want to jinx it.

I can say my sister is doing a little project for me with her photography. Today she takes some test shots. I love them. Cannot wait to get started on the proper photos in June when we visit.

It’s warm again outside. I love love love the sunshine and the warmth. Miss Peanut is at nursery for a whole 2 and half hours.

This morning was the first time she got upset and cried about going. She has a cold. That’s the reason I know she got upset. When she comes out shes all smiles.

We spend the afternoon playing and dancing. I chat with friends on face book messenger. I am happy and relaxed. The future is looking up 

It friday so our evening out. Alex makes noises about it like hes forgotten. I know he was. I remember him tell him he can still have a pizza as long as we go out as a family. We do. Everyone has fun. I intend to keep friday nights out up.

Day 76 Sat 30th Apri – Today we have a long walk out. The warm weather is back and we are all soaking up the sun. Miss Peanut walks about 2 miles and plays in another park we occasionally visit. She loves. She has so much fun.

When we get home and she naps Alex wants us time. We lie on the bed and talk. It’s like old times. He even gives me a back massage, which he hasn’t done in years. It melts my stress away. I miss moments like this. Everything seems to be one big hectic mess nowadays. It makes me feel a little closer to him again.

We say we are going to spend more moments like this together. We have said this before but maybe this time it will really happen.

I get a little time to write. I had writers block for a while but now it’s all flowing again. I seem to have eight books going on. Planned out in there outlines and waiting to be told. I am just going to keep writing because its something i love. I don’t feel so alone.

365 Days of Fitness – Week 10

Day 63 Sun 17th Apri – Was planning a longer run but Miss Peanut was out walking with Alex. As soon as she saw me, she didn’t want to let me go. So i couldn’t run past. So a short run today. Better than nothing.

Day 64 Mon 18th Apri – Peanut started nursery today. I was nervous as hell. She seemed to like the first visit but would she like it once she started? Me and Alex took her there. The whole way we kept telling her how fun school was.

She seemed excited. When she saw the building she started shouting yay yay. So that was a good sign.

She didn’t even look to see we there. Then we sat for 30mins waiting for her to finish. The first week she is staying a growing degrees of time.

Apparently this will wet her appetite for nursery. She won’t we were told grow bored and will want to come back. Each day will lead to something new for her. It’s clever and crafty. And I think it will work.

30 mins later and she’s led back out to us. The kid has a huge grin on her face. She’s so happy. She doesn’t want to leave again.

I take her home. I am feeling full of hope. She needs this I can see that. Peanut is over excited and so so happy.

I have time to write when she naps. She’s exhausted. I feel lighter. I am feeling more determined to. I am going to start doing more things for me now.

Day 65 Tue 19th Apri – 8am and the kids fully dressed at the door chomping at the bit to get to school! I have to keep repeating we don’t need to be there until 9. She makes me laugh with her enthusiasm.

I am enjoying the walk there each morning. It’s all green with lovely flowering trees. I feel like I’m out and part of the world again. I feel like I am connecting again.

Peanut stays longer this time. I have to stay the first week just in case she gets worried. It’s all part of the psychology. Hopefully by next week she will start the full 9 until 12 and I will be able to go home in-between.

She comes out with a drawing she did. The kid is all smiles again. She carries it all the way home. We get pizza slices from the shop as a snack.

It’s funny how changing something can make you feel better. Even the walk in the morning is lifting my spirits. Maybe it’s all the sunshine to.

Alex is sinking into watching his youtube videos at dinner time again. It’s annoying. He knows how I feel about it. Once in a while is fine, every night is not. I haven’t seen him all day and would like to talk.

After trying to ask him a question three times and him not realising because he’s glued to the video I give up.

I feel disappointed. It starts to get me a little down. I don’t like being ignored. It makes me feel like I am disappearing or that I am an unheard ghost.

Day 66 Wed 20th Apri – So tired today. I think this first busy week is taking its toll. Peanut screams school school on the way there in the morning. It’s the first time she’s said it. There are other words she’s saying now to. Italian words.

The nursery is obviously doing her good and stimulating her talking. I am relieved.

She’s there for over an hour today. I sit reading a book I bought with me. Its nice to have a corner there to read in while I wait.

They take the kids out in the garden to play. Peanut doesn’t want to come home when its time. She wants to stay with her new friends. I have to bribe her with the promise of pizza.

It’s good she wants to go. I just hope it stays that way. Everyone there says she’s a lovely little girl and I have done well with her. That I should be proud.

I get more writing done today. I feel a little down. I am not sure why. Maybe it’s just the tiredness.

I am hoping it’s not the depression creeping back more. I know it’s still there. I am just choosing to ignore it and focus on the positive.

My story is going well. I have the outline and now just writing chapter by chapter. I am having fun with my characters.

I find a one day writing workshop in Rome! I sign up immediately. I have to do. I want to go. I love my writing and if ways appear to learn and improve it, I will grab it with both hands.

The workshop isn’t until May. I am smiling when I write it in my diary. It’s another thing to look forwards to. Another thing that is mine.

Day 67 Thur 21st Apri – Even more tired today. The week seems to be going quickly but it’s leaving me so tired. Maybe it’s all the activity. My confirmation for the workshop arrives. I do a little happy dance. I can’t wait!

Day 68 Fri  22nd Apri– I am told at the nursery to go and come back in an hour and half! I spend the time exploring the area which I don’t know completely. It’s a lovely day. The sun is warm and healing on my skin. It calms me.

Even the brightness of the sun is making me happy. I will have to dig out my sun glasses at some point.

I go look at a little market I am always fond of but never have a chance now to go and look at. I have fun rummaging through all the second hand clothes. I even find a little jacket which looks a little steampunk like and buy it.

Then I have a three mile walk. I power walk as I explore. My head is circling with ideas for my story. Every so often I stop to scribble in my note book.

The exercise is good for getting the imagination juices running. My mind flows to more descriptive words. There are also twists and turns being added to my stories plot. Things that I have not foreseen before now.

Peanut is happy when I collect her. She loves school. They have a male teacher who teaches the kids English. He comes up and translates for me. I love this. Love having someone to explain things to me properly in my own language.

It puts my mind at ease. He tells me he’s always around if I need him to translator.

He tells me their happy with Miss Peanut’s progress. They are trying to teach her the rules. She needs to learn to sit when told. Not to shove other kids or take their toys. I know this will take a while.

I go home feeling a lot happier.

I weave my new ideas into my storyline when it’s her naptime.

In the afternoon we play and watch cartoons. I feel a lot closer to her than I have been.

Alex comes home. I have assigned Fridays as our family even out time. He is a little grumpy. He just wants a pizza at home.

I am firm with the idea of our evening out. We go to a local place we know. Everyone had fun and we enjoy a meal of meat and vegetables. So much better than pizza. He admits he had fun. We are all happy even our little girl.

Day 69 Sat 23rd Apri – Miss Peanut is at the front door once she’s dressed at 8am. She thinks she’s going to school. When she realises Alex is staying home, she’s all over him like a baby monkey.

I try and spend the morning doing some writing. You would think with another adult at home this would be easier right? It’s not. I am now looking after two human beings instead of one. Both are demanding.

Every five minutes I am being called to go look at something. Things I don’t really need to see. The kid wants Daddy. He is happy to have her but he soon gets tired.

I have two friends reading my first story. The first one had already given me feedback. The second one now messages me.

She’s the one who loves this genre. She’s hard core role player and fiction addict. I wait biting my nails to what she’s going to say. I know it doesn’t matter too much. Not everyone will like them. Yet still I find it important to have someone enjoy them.

She LOVES IT. She enjoyed the plot, my characters and ideas. And she wants to read my second book!

This brings up my confidence and my mood. Two people in the world like my novels. There will no doubt be more! It gives me a well needed smile.

We take Miss Peanut to the part and then a few shops. Home again she plays and watches cartoons.

There’s supposed to be a storm today. Its grey outside but the rain doesn’t come. I want to watch a movie together but there doesn’t seem to be time.

I can feel my mood slipping. I end up snapping at Alex. I don’t have patience anymore. I just want to go somewhere for five minutes of peace.

365 Days of Fitness – Week Nine

Day 57 Mon 11^th Apr – I am trying to keep my positive vibe going. All the sunny weather is helping. It’s so much warmer and brighter here than it was in the UK.

I take Miss Peanut out in the morning. We do our usual rounds. In the corner shop she is chatting away which surprises the people we know there. Usually she’s quiet and shy. She even runs up to Mauro and smiles at him taking offered pizza. He is over the moon as he always thinks that she doesn’t like him.

I think she was just shy before and didn’t have so much interaction with other people. In the UK she was swamped with it.

By the afternoon we are both knackered. I think we are still tired from the traveling. I get a little writing done. Then I chat to a friend on facebook.

I find out we lost a facebook friend the day before. Gil. He always posted lovely comments on my blog or comments on photos of Miss Peanut.

I get teary-eyed. I am going to miss the old guy. Even though I didn’t know him physically he was always a ray of positivity and happiness.

By the time Alex gets home I am too tired to run. The kid is also a little clingy. She has been asking where Papa /Daddy is all day. It’s a long day for both of us.

So I just stick with the walk I did in the morning as exercise.

Day 58 Tue 12^th Apr – This morning is the visit to the nursery. I am anxious. We still don’t know the cost or if Miss Peanut will like it. The place isn’t far. The spring-like early morning walk fills me with hope that this is all going to go well.

The place is an old Villa with gates and buzzers to get. I like it on sight. The kid likes it to as she gets all excited.

As soon as we get in she squeals with delight seeing the other kids and toys. Then she’s off into the playroom. She only looks back a few times to check we are still there.

The owner is a Grandmother type. She is really nice and understanding. Alex and the lady chat about everything. Me I sit looking around and liking the place even more. It feels nice. Child friendly and has a good vibe.

We are shown around. Everything is child-friendly and cheerful.

Miss Peanut is having so much fun. I can hear her happy laugh from the other room. Eventually she does come looking for us. She wants me to play with her to.

The lady explains I should stand by the playroom door and not go in. This way the kid can see I am still there but will understand I won’t go in.

We agree to start Peanut at the nursery. She loves it and we are both happy. We all agree that she can start the following Monday.

It’s time to leave but the kid doesn’t want to go. She wants the toys she had found. Then realising we are leaving she cries and throws herself on the floor.

I sit and hug her fiercely, all the time whispering and promising she will start on Monday. That she will play and make friends. That I know she wants to go to this place.

Eventually she calms and says ‘bye bye’ to everyone. She is happy again. We walk back home talking about what we have learned. The place is not cheap but we want to do this for our little girl.

Even in September she doesn’t have to go the whole day apparently. She can stay until 1pm. This way it is a little cheaper than having her stay the whole day.

This makes me happy. I want time with her. I want to keep learning English with me and playing games etc and having snuggles.

I am lazy and stick to just a walk. We are also eating the stash of chocolate Grandma sent us home with. Not good for my waist line. But it tastes so good.

Day 59 Wed 13^th Apr – I know i have been lazy. Today i manage a 1 mile run. It is better than nothing. It’s still light outside when i go. It means more people in my way. It makes me wonder if winter running is better. Less people to fall over and trip over.

Day 60 Thur 14^th Apr – I keep forgetting to blog. I guess it’s not a great loss. I don’t need to write every thought in my head down here. My writing is going well. My third story is flowing from my fingertips through the keys of my little laptop. It’s just having the time to write which is the problem. Sometimes I end up just scribbling notes in my notebook when I am playing with Miss Peanut or if we are out. Sometimes stuff comes to me in the night and I have to get up and write them down quick. I am still passionate about my writing. The world in my mind and my characters are clamouring to get out.

Sometimes Alex point’s out I am mumbling to myself. This is me just reading my words out loud. I am not a crazy person. Well ok. I am a crazy to a certain level. I think everyone is one way or another. What is really normal in this day and age?

The kid is a little clingy today, so it’s just a walk.

Day 61 Fri 15^th Apr – My monthly cycle had started. It makes me more sensitive than normal. It’s the end of the first week and my anxiety is back full force. I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

Alex tells me to smile when he leaves for work. I can barely turn my lips up in a semblance of one. I don’t smile here as much as I do in the UK. I don’t feel carefree.

I feel lonely again. There’s no one to talk to. Don’t get me wrong I have people to talk to on facebook messenger. There’s even Alex on skype chat.

No I mean someone physically here, someone to have a laugh with, chat with. Connect with.

I have gone from three weeks of busyness, noise, and people to me just talking to Miss Peanut.

I am so wound up I feel like I might be sick.

I take the kid to the park hoping some air and activity will help.

It does. We see some other kids. She’s happy playing with them and we enjoy the warmth on the sun. Closing my eyes i soak it up. We just need to keep busy. This will help i am sure. All i can hope it that i am right.

I feel better by the time we go home. We spend two hours in the park. We both enjoy it.

Alex takes us out to the beer garden for dinner. It’s like old times. We all have fun. It’s what we all need. I feel myself relax.

Day 62 Sat 16^th Apr – We are busy today getting things for Miss Peanut for nursery. We go shopping to get the non-slip socks she needs.

It’s a good morning. Me and Alex talk seriously about some issues. He knows I am still unhappy and on the verge of wanting to go back to the UK. Instead we talk about our fears and why things aren’t moving forward as they should.

We both thing nursery is going to help. I will have some much needed breathing space. It’s a start. We agree to take other things forwards from there. We shall see how it all goes.

The day is a good one. Alex is still more attentive than normal. He barely touches his online game. Miss Peanut adores it. She wants to play with him constantly or making him lay on the bed with her. She’s happy giggling and laughing. We feel more like a unit than individuals coping with a toddler.

just another walk today.

365 Days of Fitness – Week Eight

Day 50 Mon 4th Apr – Today Grandma and Grandad take us to the dinosaur park in Norwich.

Miss Peanut loves dinosaurs! I am so excited to see what she will do. As soon as she gets out of the car she’s running towards the entrance. The first statue she see’s and she’s running up to it shouting ‘roooarrr’.

As she’s under 3yrs old so she’s free to get in. Once inside we see an animated dino which roars and moves. It sounds quite frightening but she LOVES IT!!

The kid is practically bouncing off the walls running up to it and roaring back. The park has a huge play area and various buildings with inside play areas and cafe’s.

Peanut run’s to the play area for her age group and goes on the swing then the slide. I have a huge grin on my face. I am so happy she loves it here. So happy we have made her day. I feel care free.

We end up following the dinosaur trail. They have statues that make sounds. Peanut runs to every dinosaur she finds and hugs and kisses it. She’s screaming with happiness, smiling and laughing.

Her face when she found the biggest dino in the park was a picture. A mix of awe then excitment. She looked so tiny compared to it.

We found a petting place and farm animals. There was a car which took you out to the deer park and even a water garden. We ate cornish pasties, chips and ice cream in a little cafe.

The whole time my little girl is smiling from ear to ear. It’s days like these i love. When we go some where to have an adventure. Somewhere Peanut won’t readily forget.

Grandma and Grandad are already saying we can go again on our next visit.

Grandad buy’s her a ton of toys in the gift shop. She leaves with a huge armful of toys. Some i know i won’t have room to pack. But i know they will sit on the bed we use when we visit and wait for her return 🙂

This ended up being the best day ever i think for everyone!

Day 51 Tue 5th Apr – 2 mile run today with my Sister. Miss Peanut give me cuddles before i go. She is happy watching Peppa Pig with Grandma and doesn’t care that i am off out for a while without her.

I have started to comfort eat the last few days. I can’t seem to help it. The naughty stuff is just to tempting. It tastes to good as well.

I know subconsciously it’s probably because this is our last week until we go back. I am trying to make myself feel better by eating what i can’t have in Rome.

In the end i just go with it. A few days won’t hurt. Ok maybe it will add to my waist line but when i get back to Italy i will be very very good with my eating habits.

No more snacking. No more bad things or eating to make myself feel better.

At least all the walking and running here is kind of keeping it balanced.

Day 52 Wed 6th Apr – Another trip to Norwich. More treasures found. We meet up with my brother and his girlfriend today. She’s the friend who was reading my first story.

She tell’s me she loves it. That she thinks the flow of the story is fantastic and she asks if i have anymore. I have the second completed so tell her I will send it to her.

She’s extatic that she can read more. This makes me happy. If one person in billions likes my writing then there will be a few more!

The day goes quickly as it always does when out shopping all day. We meet up with my other sister to. So its all of us, me my two sisters and brother. Plus Grandma, the kid, the girlfriend, her dad, mum and brother who have also come shopping in Norwich.

So many people to chat to and laugh with. Miss Peanut is in heaven. Everyone buys her chocolate. Again she is spoilt rotten and she knows it!

Day 53 Thur 7th Apr – Thinking about going to Rome and starting to pack. I don’t want to go back. My heart is screaming no no no inside me. I feel torn.

I am trying to not let it depress me. Yet it’s really hard.

With Miss Peanut starting nursery things might be a little better. I have to try. I have to see. I am just scared it’s going to be another promise which won’t come true.

I hate getting my hopes up then things never happen. We shall see i guess. That’s all i can do for now. I think you can see the unhappiness is my eyes.

Day 54 Fri 8th Apr – Last run with my sister today. I am going to miss her annoying crazy pain in the butt.

 

Day 55 Sat 9th Apr – Traveling back to Italy today. I hate it. I want to stay with my family but i know i can’t. Alex is anxious to have us back. Miss Peanut doesn’t seem to comprehend we are going back.

When they taxi comes to get us, she runs to Grandad’s car thinking we are going in that.

Grandma is already crying as she doesn’t want us to go. It upsets me. I hate this. Hate it. I wish we lived closer or even in the same bloody country.

All the drive to the airport and when we get there, the kid keeps asking me where Grandma and Grandad are.

I keep repeating we are going to see Daddy/Pappa. We are going on the plane back to Rome.

On the plane i think it starts to dawn on her what’s going on. She gets grumpy but i cuddle her and keep her entertained. Eventually she falls asleep for an hour and half.

I try to sleep to but i can’t. I’m to keyed up. I’m trying not to think about what it will be like when we are back there.

Alex is waiting at the airport for us. Peanut is all shy when she first see’s him but soon runs over for a cuddle.

She keeps touching his face like she can’t quite believe it’s really him.

On the drive out, i feel the black cloud that had been mostly at bay for 3 weeks slowly start to settle over me again. I feel like i am going back to my cage. My solitary life. I hate it.

I go from the chatty happy person i have been for 3 weeks to a quiet subdued shadow.

Alex notices. Ask’s if i am ok. I have a little cry. I am tired and over emotional. He says things will be better. I hope he is right.

When we get home it’s skpying Grandparent’s, then pizza for dinner.

We are all exhausted and fall into bed at 9pm.

Day 56 Sun 10th Apr – Alex takes us to the Mall today. It’s Miss Peanut’s favorite place. She adores it. They have rides and a play area and burger king. She’s so excited she’s running around like a mad thing.

She keeps saying Papa Papa and is very happy we are all together again.

I enjoy the business. That cloud of depression is still looming though. Somewhere in the back of my head i worried everything will be the way it was before. I can’t do that. I can’t go backwards. Things need to go forwards to work.

Alex seems to understand that now. He is very attentive to me and Miss Peanut. He never once goes on his video game. He spends his time us as a family.

The kid notices this and responds more to him. She even starts saying words shes not said before like ‘Georgie’ (from Peppa pig). She get’s him to play with her to which is really sweet.

Alex is also trying to feed us up! Food in never ending and to much. Hopefully the Italian will calm down with the smothering us with food for love! lol

365 Days of Fitness – Week Seven

Day 43 Sun 27th Mar – Miss Peanut decides to try out the dog cage. Her other fun thing to do was put all her toys inside it.

She’s picking up so many more words. Yes there all in English but at this stage i am happy she’s speaking in one of the languages she hears.

She can now say “upstairs” “Bubbles” “All done.” “empty” “open” “pizza” and quite a few other things. I don’t feel like a useless mother anymore. All she seemed to need was a little more stimulation with more people around her.

She’s blooming and developing before my very eyes. The more we are here in the UK the more she is becoming a little girl rather than a baby.

The black cloud i was in Italy is right at the back of my mind. It doesn’t surface much here. I am far to busy and having fun. I am smiling a lot of the time. I am genuinely having fun here. I am the old me. Grandma loves having Miss Peanut visit. She is cramming the kid full of chocolate and ice creams and spoiling her rotten!

 

Day 44 Mon 28th Mar – Miss Peanut is a little clingy today again. I manage to get 1 mile walked only. Yes i realise now i did two day 44’s! oh well never mind.

Day 45 Tue 29^th Mar – The last four days I have kinda neglected typing about my day. I have been walking more now my back is much better. I intend to run again now.

I have also been very up and down emotionally. My family argue sometimes. It’s the normal family bickering. I have found though it brings me down lately.

I don’t want to listen to people ranting or shouting at each other. Instead of trying to calm things down like I used to do, I just sit quietly and switch off.

I have my own doubts and dark thoughts. I don’t need anyone else’s. Shutting down helps, I sit there thinking about other things. A few have noticed the chance. They know I get depressed now.

I sit through the ‘don’t be silly’ talks or ‘come on cheer up’.

My steampunk clothing is growing slowly. There’s still part of me asking why I am bothering.

Miss Peanut is having so much fun. She’s saying more words and so many cuddles with everyone. We go out every day for walks or shopping.

I can’t believe it’s been just over a week. It feels like we have been here a lot longer.

Whenever I think about Rome I feel sad and don’t want to go back. I like being busy. Even though my family can sometimes be annoying I love them. I love the noise and doing stuff.

I feel more alive here.

My second story is finished. I am still re-reading it to see if I have missed anything.

My third story has begun to. I am not writing tons but enough to keep my creative side satisfied.

Me and the dog enjoy a nice run together. He’s always happy to go out with me. I also enjoy running in the day with sunlight!

Day 46 Wed 30^th Mar – A friend here in the UK asked to read my first story. I have agreed and sent it to her. It’s nice to have someone give it a quick read. I have just asked her to let me know if the flow of the story sounds good.

Miss Peanut thought this feather would be an interesting buy at a charity shop.

Day 47 Thur 31^st Mar – Long run today with my Sister. I love these runs. We talk. We laugh. These are things i miss in Rome as i have no one to do this with. I honestly think if i had someone to run and talk to there even for an hour a day i would be less depressed.

Day 48 Fri 1^st Apr – 3 mile walk today

Day 49 Sat 2^nd Apr – I ask Alex if i am going to go back to the same as it was before. I have a week left and i don’t want to go back to the way it was in Rome. I like having company. I like doing things. I like having people to talk to.

Alex tells me we will do more. He also tell me we didn’t get into the state nursery for Miss Peanut. He does leap into action though and contacts a private one near us. We have an appointment to visit them the week we are back in Rome.

The head of the place even suggests Miss Peanut could go to them from morning til lunch until June. This makes me happy. She loves other kids. I really believe she will be happier going to play with other little ones.

My only down is september she will go from 9 am til 4pm! To me thats so long! All day and she will be only 3 years old. I mention my concern but Alex says thats what is done there.

Grandma is also worried about it. But talking to my American friend Jess she tells me they do that in America. Also googling it looks like they do it now in the UK.

I just feel its so long to be parted. I feel a little down. We haven’t been apart much for almost 3 years. Suddenly this feels like a huge step, one i know i wanted.

Alex says we have to cut the strings for mother and child. To me it sounds cruel but i guess other parents do it to. God knows what i will do with all the time i will have in september.

I can’t even remember what that much free time feel likes. I can’t even remember what the heck i used to do with it!

 

365 Days of Fitness – Week Six

Day 36 Sun 20^th Mar – Car boot sale in the morning was fun. Then food shopping. Miss Peanut loves going to the supermarket with everyone. She helps put things in the trolley and chooses her yoghurts and snacks.

I found some fun figures for her at the car boot and now she’s addicted to playing with them. She adores them. Farm, zoo and airport people with vehicles for her age group.

In the afternoon me and Grandma go through old boxes in the spare room. Some of its old stuff I left there over 8 years ago when I moved to Italy.

It’s of my life from London I wanted to keep. The Grandparents are having the house sorted out in May. Builders will be in to do things, so everything needs to be sorted through and stored away.

It’s funny seeing things from my old life, things that were once important to me. Things that still are. There are things I still want to keep and I can’t get back to Rome. Grandma’s is happy to keep them still. I get rid of a lot of stuff. No point keeping it.

It’s an hour of heavy lifting and moving things about. It’s therapeutic. We both enjoy it.

I have a two mile walk in the afternoon to.

It’s so busy here, I have no time to think or feel depressed. I actually like being this busy. It’s exhausting but fun.

Day 37 Mon 21^st Mar – Relaxing morning watching cartoons. Then in the afternoon Aunty Rachel takes us to Windham and Attleborough. Two lovely little towns to go shopping in. So much fun looking in charity shops with Grandma and Rachel.

Miss Peanut has fun and buys a few little toys. She has a little cold and a cough where her nose is running. We keep her wrapped up warm and have medicine of she needs it.

It’s relaxing.

Rachel, me and the dog decide to go running in the evening before dinner. She’s been mainly doing the gym and treadmill. Every time I come over she likes to run outside with me. It’s fun because we chat while we do it. The time goes quicker and we catch up. I always enjoy these times.

Miss Peanut is happy watching cartoons with Grandma.

2.50 miles run. It’s good to get out and stretch our legs.

Day 38 Tue 22^nd Mar – I have my haircut in the morning. Then me, Peanut and Grandma look in a few shops. We stop for a Cornish pasty at a nice little place with tea and coffee. The kid has a chocolate brownie.

It’s nice to be out and doing things. Nice to have places to go and feel important and free.

My back is starting to ache. I think the heavy lifting Sunday was not such a good idea. Also the kid keeps making me sleep on my side. I can’t stay in that position all night, it gets uncomfortable and I don’t think its helping.

By the time Aunty Rachel gets home and drives us to the town of Diss my back is hurting a lot and stiff. I can’t make sudden moves or I get lightening pain through my lower back.

Luckily everyone else helps with Miss Peanut. I just use the pushchair to walk with. When we get home I have a hot bath, this helps a little. I keep stiffening up when I sit down.

Pain killers help. I know I will have to take it easy for a few days. No running for a little while.

I managed to pick up some steam punk like clothes in the charity shops. This makes me happy.

3 miles walked in Diss so that was my exercise for today.

Day 39 Wed 23^rd Mar – My back feels much better today. Tiny bit stiff and I am walking slow, but a big improvement. Sleeping on my back and front helped a lot. I think sleeping on my side would have made it worse.

Alex notices Miss Peanut coughing over skype. He panics because she has a cold. I get annoyed about this. It’s a cold and a little cough she doesn’t need to go to the hospital. We have medicine that works just fine and is just as good as Italian medicine.

He brings my happy feelings down. I have looked after her for over 2 and half fucking years. I have coped with far worse. She has had coughs and colds here before. His lack of faith makes me want to punch him in the face.

I shut down emotionally after that. We end the skype call. Grandma notices the change in me.

Even she thinks Alex is being over dramatic. He messages me and apologizes. He’s just worried as we are away and things are out of his control. I can understand that bit, I really do. But he has to learn to let go, especially as she gets bigger and wants to go do things with friends etc.

I found a lovely little cameo necklace in a charity shop. My steampunk stuff is coming along so nicely. I have quite a few ideas for it which I can do while I am in the UK.

I treated Miss Peanut and Grandma to a pub lunch as its Grandma’s birthday tomorrow. We had fun. The food was fantastic. My heavy mood lifts and I am smiling again.

My exercises today is a 2 mile walk.

Day 40 Thur 24^th Mar – 3 miles walked today around Norwich. Plenty of shopping and seeing my other sister and my niece. I think the photo says its all 🙂 I am going to hang that in my room.

Day 41 Fri 25th Mar – 2.70 miles run today. Miss Peanut still has her cough and is a bit clingy. So it was a stay inside watching cartoons and playing.

Day 42 Sat 26th Mar – 3.50 miles walked.

I have skipped a few days blogging properly. To be honest i had so much to do i forgot. I was also having fun and feeling more like my old self. I kept up with the exercises though as you can see.

 

365 Days of Fitness – Week 5

Day 29 Sun 19^th Mar – Another family day. We get the suit case down for me to pack for the trip. Miss Peanut bursts into tears when she sees it. She sobs her little heart out.

I am guessing this means she knows where we are going. I have a feeling she’s feeling a little overwhelmed. The upset passes after ten minutes. Then she’s happy to play with the case.

I want to try a new place I found through a leaflet. It’s an all you can eat Chinese buffet place. It’s within walking distance.

Alex scrunches his nose up at the idea. He would rather go eat pizza or pasta. After eight years of Italian food I find pleasure in eating other things, especially as pizza and pasta is eaten by us 3 or 4 times a week. I am starting to loath it.

It’s a little battle but I get him to agree. The victory feels hollow. I don’t understand why he can’t just be happy to eat something different sometimes. I don’t ask all the time. I would do it without complaint if the roles were reversed.

It makes me feel a little down. I know he will find something to complain about. He always does when I suggest something non Italian.

We go have a nice walk and eat there. I admit it’s not the best Chinese I have ever had but it’s different and I don’t care. I happily munch my way through noodles, battered crab balls, dumplings.

Miss Peanut is happy with her bits to nibble on and then her bowl of ice cream.

Alex doesn’t like the coffee much and tells me he will let me know if he digests the food. If he does we can go there again. It’s always the same so I just keep quiet.

By the time we get home I am knackered. Both physically and mentally drained. All I can do is lie on the bed and read. I can’t sleep even though my eyes feel like their weighted by lead. Either Alex or Peanut will come in and not let me sleep. I feel frayed at the edges.

I know it’s the build up to the break away. I just need a good rest. Eventually everything comes crushing down on me. All the not sleeping properly and running around.

I just read for an hour. Alex seems to realise how tired I am and leaves me alone. I am even too tired to run. We walked today so I decide that’s enough.

All I want to do is go to bed early. That won’t happen I know this. The kid will be up at least until ten or more. She had a late nap.

We talk to Grandma and Grandad on skype. They are so excited. They have all the food she likes, shiny new toys and crayons with colouring books. There both bright eyed and eager.

Six days still feels like a life time away until we go to the UK. I’m so tired that I know I am letting depressing feelings roll over me. I am already thinking about when we have to come back. How I am not sure I will want to.

A cryptic post on Facebook and John and Ali message me worried.

Ali says go have a cry. I already have tears in my eyes. Alex notices and thinks its Peanut bothering me. I go have a bath and sob.

I have been so up lately and it just comes crashing down. I hate this. I hate feeling like a fucking yo-yo. I don’t think feeling so tired is helping. I honestly have barely any energy to move.

I still feel unhappy by the time I get out.

Day 30 Mon 14^th Mar –This morning I start to pack. Miss Peanut is helping me. She pulls out all her clothes and throws them across the bed.

I tell her we are going to see Grandma and Grandad. She runs to the computer and points at it. She thinks I mean on skype. I say no in real life.

She runs and gets the phone. I laugh. I don’t think she will understand until we go on the plane and then see them. It’s such a long stretch between seeing them it had to be confusing to her, bless her little heart.

I end up making a list. My head is such a tumbled mess there is no way I will remember everything without writing it all down.

The packing will have to be done in dribs and drabs. Something can’t be packed til last minute.

Me and Miss Peanut play. She likes to ride my back like a horse lately. I carry her from room to room. We watch the Peppa Pig episode they go on holiday on a plane. I tell her that will be us on Saturday. She just smiles.

I am a little up and down today. But I stay positive. My lovely little daughter keeps me busy trying to make her every possession.

I plan to do a 2 and half mile run today. It’s part of the 5km plan I am following. I do the first mile and know I am in trouble. My legs are stiff and aching. I didn’t stretch properly before starting.

I finish a mile and half before I stop. It’s better than nothing. Just getting outside and moving is good.

Day 31 Tue 15^th Mar – Day is a good day. Me and the kid play a lot. We have the t.v off much more. I usually leave it on as background noise so we don’t get lonely. This normally ends up with some kind of cartoon on. She will either go play, draw or sit on my lap and watch it.

I am a little up and down emotionally. I now find playing with the kid brings me up again. Seeing her grinning face just makes me smile so much. She is so funny sometimes to.

My writing is going well. I had a few scenes for my second story I decided to shorten and work much better. I need to start reading the conversations my characters have out loud as someone suggested. This helps with making sure they sound believable.

I have a headache pounding in my head by the end of the day. It sends pain through my left eye. I chugging water down hoping this will clear it. I want to try for the long run tonight which I couldn’t achieve last night.

The day seems to be going quite fast for a change which is nice.

Head gone by the time Alex gets back. I got run. I manage 1.12 miles with really bad stitch where I can barely breathe it hurts so much.

I know it’s from where the kid was sharing her crisps with me before I come out. Usually I don’t eat an hour or two before I go out.

I still feel so tired. World weary even. I really can’t wait for the holiday to begin Saturday.

I spend Peanut’s bed time showing her pics of everyone in the UK. She gets so excited and chats away. I can’t wait for her to see everyone.

Day 32 Wed 16^th Mar – Ali and John are coming to visit in the afternoon today. I am so happy. We love their visits.

I spend the morning doing more packing it keeps me distracted. Keeping busy means no time to think and get depressed.

Idle hands are the devils work as the saying goes. Not sure if that’s appropriate or not but I like that saying.

Whenever the kid wants my attention now I completely focus on her. It’s doing both of us good.

I still do have my dark moods sometimes, I still want to cry and not move but it’s not as bad at the moment.

We walk down in the afternoon to meet Ali and John at the metro. Peanut’s face lights up when she sees them. She is so excited. She keeps looking to check their coming with us.

Back home I make them tea. The kid is busy showing the toys. She says the words she knows proudly ‘boot’ ‘blue’ ‘yellow’. She shows how she knows what all the colours are.

She is so happy. The fact she also hasn’t had a nap today makes her a little crazier. Eventually she will crash.

It’s so nice to have people to talk to. We chat about everything and nothing again. We joke, we chat about serious stuff to. I make more tea.

I ask them if they want to stay for dinner. They say YES.

I am even happier now. It’s forever since we have been out to dinner with anyone or even just as a family.

Miss Peanut is practically bouncing off the walls now. I know she doesn’t want them to leave either. She loves sitting on Ali’s lap and showing her things. She’s even warmed up to John this time and hasn’t pushed him out the door.

They help me feed her. We take turns. It’s funny as the kid doesn’t seem bothered at all.

When Alex gets home we go to Osteria Sette. It’s supposed to have the 3^rd best carbonara in Rome. It’s good, really good.

We chat and joke.

Peanut is so tired now you can keep her eyes trying not to close. It’s hilarious.

When we get back Peanut crashes. It takes 2 minutes and she’s asleep.

My exercise for the day is the 1 mile walk to meet them. Exercise is exercise and it got me out of my Pj’s.

Day 33 Thur 17^th Mar – Today drags. I think after all the fun yesterday the absence of others is more glaring. I spend the time doing more packing. This is part of the reason I drag it out now. It gives me something to do.

I also didn’t sleep well. I had moments of being wide awake and staring at the ceiling. A nightmare didn’t help either. The type which scares you senseless and wakes you with heart pounding and fear pouring down your spine. It left me feeling unsettled the rest of the night.

The kid is still knackered after yesterday. She ends up having an early nap and playing quietly.

I decided to do a 30 minute weights workout while the kid naps. I haven’t done them for ages. It’s actually quite fun.

I managed to find time to do a little reading and a bit of writing.

My dark days seem to be long gone at the moment. I think as I have said before this is because of the trip. I dread when we have to come back.

Day 34 Fri 18^th Mar – So busy today! Alex has the day off to spend with us. In the morning we take Miss Peanut out to the park and then eat lunch out.

After that I am in a whirl wind of finishing the packing. Making sure things are all charged, findings snacks, toys and things for her to do on the flight tomorrow.

Then its bath time, her then me. She happy plays with Alex, while I run around like a headless chicken.

It’s stressful but a good kind because I know we leave tomorrow. I can’t wait!

I have time for a quick walk of a mile and half.

There will be plenty of running done in the UK with my sister when we get there!

A lovely person on Instagram asks if I am going to do the 5km run the day of the Rome Marathon. It’s the day after we arrive back.

I am really tempted. It would be nice to meet up with another runner and probably be something positive to return to. Luckily I can join up on the day, so I will probably do that.

So tired today so it’s early to bed.

Day 35 Sat 19^th Mar –

Today was a blur. Up at 5.30am to get dressed and ready for the airport. Miss Peanut was very good but got a little upset when she realised Daddy wasn’t coming to the UK with us. There were a few tears.

She slept on the plane after being a little grumpy about the seatbelt. The journey wasn’t too bad and actually the most relaxed it has ever been. No one was in passport control and we breezed through. The taxi driver I always chat to had only been waiting for 5 mins, so he was impressed.

Miss Peanut got excited when she saw the Grandparents house. She ran up to the door all happy when she saw Grandad open the door she burst into tears. Then she hugged the taxi driver’s legs. Then realising it wasn’t me run back to me. She was sobbing her heart out. I think she was a little overwhelmed with the whole day.

5 minutes later she was happily playing with everyone.

It was just a 3 mile walk for exercises today. I was knackered.

It’s good to be home. Good to see family again.

I am playing catch up with my blog now that i am  back in Roma.

365 Days of Fitness – Week Four

Day 22 Sun 6^th Mar – Tired this morning. I did a lot yesterday and am still recovering. We have a quiet morning. Lunch time we go for a walk and out to eat.

I am tired and strangely feeling down. I don’t know why. It’s just there hovering over me like a dark cloud. I have noticed that if I have a fantastic high day it always seems followed by a low the next day.

While we are out having lunch at a place we eat, I get lost in thought. I get sucked in to thinking about my writing.

I have two friends reading my first finished one. I want to know what they think. I have self-doubt. What if they think they are crap? What if they say I write badly? I have already warned them about my commas or lack of knowing where they go. I was dyslexic at school.

I struggled with spelling words for a long time. Through reading I managed to memorize what the words look like and how to spell them. I still have trouble sometimes when words don’t write how they sound. ‘Suggest’ was always a word I struggled with because it always sounded like it should have an ‘r’ in it somewhere.

Through my love of books and reading I managed to learn the correct way to spell it. I think this is why I struggle with learning to read Italian. I can’t sound the words.

I know my stories might not be for everyone. People like different type of books that’s natural. I know I will have to take criticism and I can and I will.

My fear is they won’t like my storyline.

I can feel my thoughts spiralling down. Alex notices and starts talking to me about my stories.

He knows all about them. He uses them as a way to get my talking and happy. I have talked to him about them none stop. He likes the ideas behind them.

Alex is the kind of man who tells you how it is. I know if they were crap he would tell me. He is insistent they are good.

We talk about publishing one. I want to. I really do, it’s a dream. The more I write about these characters the more they grow in substance. They are living and breathing in my imagination. They in a way are different aspects of me, I guess.

I want to bring their stories to others. I want to set them free in the world, into other people’s imaginations.

My emotions are up again. The rest of the day passes with me food shopping and unpacking and doing all the other Sunday’s bits and pieces.

At 6pm I go out and run 2.25 miles. It’s very slow. My legs still ache from the walking yesterday. I also still have back aching from doing the planks. It’s still a good run though.

Day 23 Mon 7^th Mar – It’s Monday. The beginning of the week always feels like its stretching out in front of me. It seems long and never ending.

Today Miss Peanut decides to be a model. She wants to put on different clothes every five minutes. It’s cute. She growing and I have been encouraging her to choose her own clothes and toys since she was born.

I am feeling positive again. I have been thinking a lot and writing down story ideas. It’s all good. The genre I am writing in is a popular one. There will be someone out there who likes my stories. If not then that’s fine. I am writing because I love to and that’s all that really matters in the end. My happiness to do so.

A friend online suggests a different type of plank that won’t hurt my back. I will give it ago when it finally stops hurting. At the moment I seem happy just to run.

The day seems to go quickly which is nice for once, usually they drag.

In the evening I go run 1.15 miles. It’s a good run I feel strong and I am happy. I even smile for my photo this time. I wish i didn’t have manic eyes in the photo lol

Day 24 Tue 8^th Mar – Alex’s friend who does my back comes over. He’s here to crack me into place and help my ache. He is a nice guy but seems shy.

I tend to have a habit of looking people exactly in the eyes when I talk to them. This seems to make some people shy. He is one of these people.

He cracks and twists me a few times. It strange both exhilarating and frightening. Feeling and hearing the cracking is strangely nice. It never hurts just sounds scary. I can feel the strength in his body. He’s a big guy.

I don’t mean fat, but muscular. It wouldn’t take much for him to snap me in half. It’s a funny little thrill for me placing myself in the hands of someone else with trust.

He’s always gentle with me even when the positions become a little uncomfortable.

He says he can feel I am running again. My muscles feel more fluid. This makes me happy. He says the running is the best thing for me.

I know this already. I am not going to stop. I enjoy it too much now.

Everyone leaves and it’s me and Peanut alone again. She’s obsessed with putting different Peppa pig dvd’s on every five minutes. It’s raining we aren’t going out.

Another face book friend messages me. She follows my blog and has been catching up. She says I was describing her feelings over a year ago. Like me she has suffered from depression since becoming a Mum.

She tells me she had read a lot of surveys and apparently peoples happiness decrease when they become parents. I can believe this is true.

Suddenly you aren’t free anymore. You’re responsible for a small person who can’t take care of themselves. It fills every waking hour and even when you sleep. You eat, breathe and sleep it.

It’s easy to lose your identity in being MUM.

Like me she doesn’t have family close. You feel trapped and without any help. It can be a struggle.

She tells me she made a list of how she was and how she wanted to be. It’s sent to me. I am curious and read it through.

A few points jarringly stick out. She mentions how depression affects those around us to.

It hits me then like a fucking lightning bolt to the head. My darkness, my depression is affecting Miss Peanut to.

It gets the cogs turning. Am I being a bad mother? Maybe I am. God knows I try to do stuff with her and sometimes it’s a struggle to get myself motivated.

This little person, my daughter is looking up at me as a role model. Am I failing her? I don’t know what to think. I know I do tend to over think things, more than ever now when being depressed.

I want to be happy and healthy for her. I want to be a fun Mum. Someone the kid wants to spend time with.

I run two miles. It’s a good run. I am getting faster slowly and feeling stronger.

The whole time I am thinking everything I have learned through. I need to do better. The kid needs me. I have to try harder to be what she needs.

No more wallowing in depression. I have to get over this pity party.

Day 25 Wed 9^th Mar – I endeavour to spend more time amusing Miss Peanut today. We break out the paints and paper. She hasn’t played with paint before. I have always stuck with crayons.

Yes I know it’s lazy. It’s just easier and I don’t have Alex freaking out that there’s paint everywhere. Even after 2 and half years he still struggles with the mess a child makes.

I am not sure he will ever be comfortable with it.

Miss Peanut loves it. I teach her how to wet the brush, put it in the colours then paint. She’s a fast learner. Soon she’s painting away like a pro.

It’s fun. We both enjoy it.

I am more attentive to her than usual. We play and sing songs. It leaves me feeling very positive. Maybe I don’t suck at being a mother after all.

By 3pm the day is dragging for both of us. It’s raining so we don’t go out. She brings me the phone and wants to phone Grandma.

We can’t get through because there something wrong with the line. She runs to the computer and gestures to skype. We can’t do that either. Grandma doesn’t know how to do it alone and Aunty Rachel is out.

Peanut cries. She sobs her little heart out. I feel awful. She is desperate for contact with others. I am obviously not enough. I can understand that to.

After some messaging, Aunty Rachel skypes us. She’s at her boyfriends. I haven’t met him but he seems like a lovely guy.

The kid is so happy and over excited! It makes her afternoon.

By the time Alex gets home at 7pm I just want to go run. It’s my time to breathe. Just me and outside with my music playing. I am really enjoying it and don’t want to stop.

By 7.28pm I finally get outside. I hate waiting for Alex to be ready to let me get out.

I have a lovely 1.50 mile run. I enjoy it so much.

I wanted to do more but Alex is going out to see friends tonight. I don’t have time. It’s already late and I have to cook dinner before he goes. I content myself with the short run. People in my building think i am a little crazy. Guess there not far out on that. I end up smirking as i take my photo as the woman who lives next door to us is talking to me.

Day 26 Thur 10^th Mar – Tired this morning. Peanut woke me up about a million times last night. I am quiet and subdued. Alex doesn’t seem to grasp this.

He is annoying. I don’t feel like doing much today. All I want to do is go back to bed or curl up and read quietly. Neither happens.

I play with Peanut. Eventually she leaves me to play alone. She tugs out all her toys. There strewn across the sitting room floor. I can barely see the ground beneath. I am too tired to put them away. She will just pull them back out again anyway. So it will be done just before Alex gets home.

I have writers block in the morning. By her nap time I have some ideas to write down.

Afternoon and I am feeling happier. I am designing a Steampunk costume. I want to wear it at the next festival here in Rome in sept. I have the dress, goggles, gloves and hat.

The other bits I need I will search for in the UK. Just 9 days now until our trip and I can’t wait. I am going home. This knowledge makes me happy.

We talk to Grandma and Aunty Rachel for a while on skype. This makes the kid happy. I can’t wait for her to see them. She gets sad every time we end the skype conversations.

I have decided to do more things to make myself happy and please myself. I don’t think this is being selfish. I am just meeting needs and wants I have.

Things like my exercises. I also want to get a new tattoo at some point. Do things that are important to me whenever I have spare time. If I find spare time.

My run tonight is 2.25 miles. It’s raining a little and there’s a biting cold. Not many people have ventured out. I am only one of four runners to brave the weather.

I have to go slow because the ground is slippery. Never the less I get my run done. I am happy with the results. My running is giving me an inner peace. I need the calm it brings now, the time to think.

I chat on Facebook to a mum expat friend. It makes me smile and I go to bed happy.

Day 27 Fri 11^th Mar – Today i spend more time playing with Peanut. More painting. She loves it a lot. We sing to her favorite sings. I talk to her as i always do chatting away. She talks back in baby chat. Somethings sound like words but there not clear. She watches me as i say the correct name to things but she likes to call everything ‘apple’ or ‘ Peppa’ her to favorite words.

1 mile and half tonight.

There are too many dog walkers. Don’t get me wrong I love dogs. It’s there owners I hate here.

They stand all spread out on the path chatting in a group. There dogs are either free to roam or on the leads as far as they can go. You can’t get past. They are everywhere and in the way.

It’s so rude and they don’t seem to care. I end up growling under my breath a million times at them. I hate their rudeness.

The run goes well and I am happy with it.

Day 28 Sat 12^th Mar – We are going to Miss Peanut’s favourite place today. The little Mall. It’s the last weekend before me and the Kid go to the UK for 3 weeks. I can’t wait! It’s my high point that’s keeping me focused at the moment.

Today I notice changes in my body. I have lost weight on my hips and tummy. My face looks a little thinner to. They aren’t chances other people would really see I don’t think. Not unless I was naked.

As I live in this body, under this skin, it’s easier for me to see them. I am happy my getting fit and stronger is working. I like the changes in my body. I want to get back down to a size 10.

I have only been that size once. It was when I got married and before Peanut was born. I felt comfortable that size and happy in myself. I want that again.

I am toying with 30 day progress pics, but we will see. I think seeing the difference and having them as a reminder will help if my motivation lags at any time.

We all have fun at the Mall. Peanut plays with other kids and runs around with the biggest smile on her face. I am glad it’s made her happy.

I’m getting more excited about our trip and can’t wait to start packing even though it’s still a week away.

My run today is just 1 mile. It’s a good run I do it fast and feel happy after.